Ghost Notes: Healing With Music

Music can serve as a profound source of healing, especially in the aftermath of being ghosted. In this episode, Gretta has conversations with two remarkably talented musicians who transformed their experiences of being ghosted into incredible songs. Gustavo Zaiah and Marie Pratt, hailing from different countries, share insights about ghosting and the journey toward healing.

Connect with Gustavo Zaiah:
Instagram
Listen to "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Connect with Marie Pratt:
Instagram
YouTube "Talk to Me" Music Video
Listen to "Talk to Me"

Connect With Gretta:
Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost
Coaching With Gretta
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

BetterHelp:
Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsored

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Are you ready to move forward after being ghosted? Are you tired of worrying, stressing, and struggling to find answers? If you want to regain control of your thoughts and feel more at peace, there’s a solution for you. For less than the cost of one coaching session, you can download the new Take Your Power Back Workshop. In it, Gretta and Coach Estee K. will help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Transcript

Gretta: 0:18

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted in any walk of life. I'm your host, Gretta, and in this special episode, I'm interviewing musical artists who have written songs about being ghosted. My first guest is Gustavo Zaia, a Brazilian singer-songwriter currently based in Massachusetts, united States, massachusetts, united States, with a repertoire spanning pop and Brazilian pop music. Gustavo captivates audiences with his emotionally resonant music, offering a vulnerable glimpse into his own life experiences, which creates authentic connections with his listeners. You'll recognize Gustavo's work from the intro and outro of this podcast and I'll play the full version of the song Ghosted for you. Gustavo, welcome to the podcast. This is long overdue.

Gustavo Zaiah: 1:10

Yes thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me.

Gretta: 1:14

My pleasure. I would love to begin with the story of your being ghosted. What happened?

Gustavo Zaiah: 1:20

Yeah, absolutely so, just to give you a little bit of a background happened yeah, absolutely so, just to give you a little bit of a background. I come from a very conservative background, so I didn't start dating until I was 26. As a gay man, I was part of this non-inclusive evangelical church where I really wanted to change my sexuality. And so for 26 years old, for 26 years of my life, I didn't date at all and I was fresh out of the closet, trying to date, find people. And I was hit pretty hard at first because it was, I think, my first actual date, official date, and I was so excited. It was during the summer in Massachusetts, in Boston, massachusetts. We went to a park and I was like this is amazing, this guy seems so fun and attentive. We had, we had really a talk. It felt very light and fun. And then we went on another date together and it felt similarly. We were just having a good time. And then after that I texted him. I was like, hey, when are we meeting again? I loved our time together. I saw that he read my message but he never answered and I even texted again. I was like, hey, is everything okay? Did I say anything wrong.

Gustavo Zaiah: 2:55

I was 26 years old. I had this childlike wonder and, just like believing that everybody would be so nice to me, it was. I had that like kind of like that in innocence, and he never answered, and that crushed my world. So that was when I was writing songs and that's when I started therapy as well, because I felt that deep rejection and also I felt that something was wrong with me.

Gustavo Zaiah: 3:30

I felt like I said something wrong in one of our meetings, in one of our dates, and that was the reason that man that I thought was great didn't text me back. So I had some friends over, some co-writers, my friend Andrew Padilla and Julie Lee, and I told them that story. I was like guys, I think I've been ghosted. And then, as I said it, they were like me too, me too, and then we all shared our stories. It was this moment of like deep connection between us because it was kind of similar. And then the feeling, the underlying feelings amongst all of us, was that did we say something wrong? Why did you leave me on read, you know? And that was the process of writing the song.

Gretta: 4:29

Yeah, Wow, I got chills. I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you went through that, especially because it was your first two dates ever. Oh my gosh, that hurts my heart. When people disrespect you to that level, it can be extraordinarily painful, and yet you turned it around and you made art out of it, and that's what's so powerful and beautiful.

: 5:03

And let's play the song Ghosted it was a midsummer day, walking down at a park, when I opened my heart to you, I found myself in your eyes and I can't tell you why, but I felt really hard for you. I thought it was mutual, something beautiful. But I guess I played a fool, cause you ghosted me. I can't believe you're just a memory. Why did you have to leave me on read? Was it something I said I can't get you out of my head? You got me questioning why you ghosted me. You are perfect to me, something out of my dreams, but I woke up to see the truth.

: 6:19

Maybe fairy tales lie. I couldn't see your disguise. It was already too late for you. I was delusional but if truth be told, I set myself up to lose Cause you hosted me. I can't believe. You're just a memory. Why did you have to leave me on read? Was it something I said? I can't get you out of my head. You got me questioning why you ghosted me. I'm gonna get some peace of mind. I'm gonna move on with my life. I'm gonna love myself tonight. I'm gonna be alright. You're just a ghost to me. Get out and let me be. You're just a memory. I'm choosing to set me free. No regrets, no matter what I have said, I'm gonna get you out of my head. You're just a ghost to me. You're just a ghost to me.

Gustavo Zaiah: 8:32

I've had so many people compliment the song and say that it really resonated with them and that they had to listen to it over and over again because they just felt so connected to it and it was their anthem of strength. Yeah, yeah, and the song. I really hope people listen until the end, because the song starts off with our shared feelings. I think people that have been ghosted definitely felt that that was a good date. You felt good, we felt that this person, this other person, was a beautiful person and we we didn't think not, we didn't think anything was wrong with it. You know, the song in the beginning says I thought it was mutual, something beautiful. And but I guess I played the fool Writing the song with my friends. It was a very healing moment for us because we were, you know, sharing our experiences, how we felt the rejection, we felt the idea that something was wrong with us and not with them, and so we wanted to share that. So we did it. But I told them, guys, we need to bring resolution to this. We also need to bring healing and empowerment to this. So that's when I wrote the bridge that says I'm going to get some peace of mind, I'm going to move on with my life. I'm going to love myself tonight. I'm going to get some peace of mind. I'm going to move on with my life. I'm going to love myself tonight. I'm going to be all right.

Gustavo Zaiah: 9:49

And then the last chorus. People just stays for the last chorus. You're just a ghost to me. Get out and let me be. You're just a memory. I'm choosing to set me free. No regrets. I'm choosing to set me free. No regrets, no matter what I have said. I'm going to get you out of my head. You're just a ghost to me. You're just a ghost to me. No regrets, no matter what I have said. I think that's like the line that hits me the most, because I thought I said something wrong. That was the reason why he read the message and never responded. But actually I'm not going to be cruel to myself anymore. I'm going to love myself. Instead, I'm going to love myself into healing. So, yeah, so this is. The people need to stay until the end to fully feel the song and understand the song. That is a song of yeah, we're going to process all of that, the pain, the rejection, but also we will find empowerment in the midst of our troubles, of our rejection of everything, of our trauma, we can find empowerment towards healing.

Gretta: 11:09

That really hit the nail on the head. You just said it so well. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you're feeling down about being ghosted, it's important to share what's going on with somebody who can listen with an empathetic ear and provide compassionate support. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times where, after being ghosted, I'd go to a friend or a family member and I know they meant well, but they would say things like just move on or just get over it, or this happens to everyone, just accept it. And for me it was not that easy, because being ghosted was one of the most devastating things that happened to me. I was in a lot of pain in my mind and in my body. Going to therapy really changed all that around. My therapist helped me move toward a more secure attachment style. She helped me with my self-esteem and learn how to cope with all the anxiety that I was experiencing in relationships and even outside of relationships after being ghosted, because it really did hurt me. Being in therapy was like one of the most healing things that I did, and I seriously love therapy. So that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's sponsor, betterhelp.

Gretta: 12:28

Betterhelp connects you with a licensed therapist who is trained to listen and give you helpful, unbiased advice. First you go to their site. You can use my link, betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting. You answer a few questions and better help will match you to a professional who has years of experience helping people with struggles similar to yours. You can do it all from your phone or computer, via phone call, video chat or messaging however you feel the most comfortable, and really it's the easiest way possible to start talking to a therapist. You'll be matched to a therapist. You'll be matched to a therapist usually within 48 hours, so you can get started fast. Let BetterHelp connect you to a therapist who can support you all from the comfort of your own home.

Gretta: 13:16

Visit betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting. That's better H-E-L-P. Or choose coping with ghosting during signup and enjoy a discount on your first month. Thank you, betterhelp, for sponsoring my podcast. Your story brings up a really good point, which is that no matter how long you spent with your ghost whether you only went on one date or two dates or even three dates it can still be an incredibly painful experience to be ghosted, and I have been ghosted after one date and I thought that I had a great connection with this person, I thought, oh wow, this could be it, but apparently not, and I was wrong. And it's really confusing. They don't know how to communicate that this isn't what they want, and that's on them, that's not on us.

Gustavo Zaiah: 14:27

I started going on multiple dates with other other people and I remember having lots of first dates that felt really good and it felt mutual, like the song says.

Gustavo Zaiah: 14:36

It felt it feels mutual, this thing here.

Gustavo Zaiah: 14:39

But it had never followed up, but like in a very weird way, because I think people could be more, could be nicer, and just like, hey, I don't think it worked for me and can text me back and just say that, but in a very immature way, not responding and ghosting me, and I felt rejection feelings, like I don't have what it takes. Maybe the problem is with me, what's wrong with me. And then I had to bring that to therapy, you know, and it was a very interesting journey of self-love and discovering who I am and what I like and, like you said, bringing the power back to yourself. Bringing the power back to yourself and I think writing songs for me is that therapy also, where I can actually put in words, bring that outside of myself as a way of healing amusing and very important to me to write to journal as a way of loving myself out of that place yeah, I hear you taking the things that have really hurt us and transmuting them, changing them, taking our pain and turning it into a purpose, making art.

Gretta: 16:13

That's really .. Making a podcast. Yeah, exactly, it's a wonderful thing to do.

Gustavo Zaiah: 16:20

Yeah, yeah, it's so interesting because the guy that produced the song is also another writer of the song with me, Angel Padilla, and in the production of the song he wanted to do something more ghosty. If you hear the song, you know the first chorus, the first verse of the song. My voice is in this like old speaker, yes. I don't know speaker yes, say that, but the whole idea is to bring that feeling of you know, a ghost town, something that's old it's fuzzy in the beginning.

Gustavo Zaiah: 16:58

It's like, yeah, it's like static a little bit yes, it also has this nostalgic feel in the song. That was very intentional. I wanted to have this word ghost and ghosted and to have the song have that feel of like something there's nostalgic, something that happened in the past.

Gretta: 17:41

What is?

Gustavo Zaiah: 17:42

your message of hope for people who are healing after being ghosted in relationships romantic and in friendship is that it's an invitation of a journey to self, a journey like this inner journey where you can meet yourself and be that friend and be that lover for yourself first.

Gustavo Zaiah: 18:13

And I think it was also an invitation for for you to go to dive deeper, into deeper layers of who you are. I think we are this beautiful universe to be discovered, and I think situations where we feel rejection and where we feel that we don't have what it takes, where we feel like there's something wrong with us, is actually an invitation for you to dive deeper inside your traumas, dive deeper inside the struggle and then find the gold and find the treasure that lies deep within you. And I love this because I'm on this journey and I think this journey is a forever journey of knowing yourself and falling in love with yourself, and I'm passionate about that and I will in love with yourself and I'm passionate about that and I will die on that mountain where I will love myself. And I'm trying to read the song again because I'm going to love myself tonight I will be all right, you will be all right, and that's my message of self-love. It's an exciting journey. It's painful, but it is rewarding, yeah.

Gretta: 19:33

Your music is excellent and I encourage everyone to go listen to it. How can listeners hear you? See you live, get in touch with you.

Gustavo Zaiah: 19:46

Yeah, you can see me on Spotify. I'm on Spotify as Gustavo Zaiah. I have other songs there and I'm on Instagram as well as @Gustavo Zaiah. I'm going to be. I just moved from New York to Massachusetts. I'm here for a healing season. I'm excited for that journey here and I'm probably going to be doing some shows here and I will definitely post that on my Instagram accounts. You can follow me there. Loved to have you guys come to one of my events.

Gretta: 20:17

And I'll put links to all of that in the show notes. Thank you so much for coming on the show and for sharing your story and what's on your heart with our listeners.

Gustavo Zaiah: 20:29

Thank you for having me. It was definitely an amazing experience.

Gretta: 20:34

My pleasure. There are many songs about ghosting out there, and one of my favorites is called Talk to Me. I even had the pleasure of briefly appearing on the music video, and I have the recording artist with me here today. Please share a little bit about yourself with listeners.

Marie Pratt: 20:55

Sure, hi, Gretta, it's really nice for me to be here with you. Thank you very much for inviting me. Let me introduce myself a little bit. My name is Marie Pratt and I am a singer-songwriter from Barcelona, spain. My passion is the music, and that's the reason I write songs. Mostly of them are part of the learnings that I've got from experiences that I had in my life, so that's the reason I write songs, and I also sing them, and they are all in my Spotify and YouTube. You can you can listen to them and, of course, the music videos. As you said, you're appearing in one of them now, and so that's me.

Gretta: 21:45

It was so much fun to do that, and so that's me. It was so much fun to do that. Please share about your song. Talk to Me. I would love to hear the meaning of the song and the story of your being ghosted.

Marie Pratt: 22:03

The song's main intention is to fight against ghosting, to be a voice for all the survivors who have experienced ghosting in silence. I think it's a fact that society doesn't talk about it and by making a song about it, I would like to raise my voice to say hey, there's a reality here that is hurting people and it needs to be stopped. We've seen that silence won't stop it. Let's talk about it instead, don't you think? And the more I talk about it, the more I find people with similar experiences who haven't yet overcome it, and the more I realize that talking about it helps me also to move forward.

Gretta: 22:59

And finally, I think that it's important to break that cycle of silence and pain so that we can heal together. I agree with you what exactly happened.

Marie Pratt: 23:12

What is your ghost story that inspired the song Talk to Me? I was ghosted many, many, many years ago, back when it didn't even have a name. It was just disappearing. I call it. He disappeared from my life totally. We used to exchange messages for a couple of years and we both trained at the same gym and we were messaging for a couple of years, met up sometimes, but then suddenly one day we kissed and since then I haven't heard from him again to this day. So he stopped responding to me all the messages, calls and I never heard from him again. It was so shocking I didn't know what was happening.

Marie Pratt: 23:57

I started reviewing all our conversations to see what I might have said that could have upset him. Just trying to understand, half upset him, just trying to understand. And in fact there is a line in my song that I said I was rereading your messages, all of what we went through, and that's the meaning of this sentence of my song. For me, the hardest part was the not understanding and, on the other side, what helped me to overcome it was realizing that his disappearance had nothing to do with me but with him. Actually, you did a post today I read with so many that something like, like the ghosting is not personal, something like being ghosted is not personal.

Marie Pratt: 24:56

Exactly, and it was really the same meaning that I wanted to express here. I thought I finally understood that he couldn't express his feelings or emotions and that's why he left without a word. I thought I finally understood that he couldn't express his feelings or emotions and that's why he left without a word. That's why there is that repetitive chorus on my song of talk to me, talk, talk to me, because through talking I think that the other person understands and also both parties start from the same point, because otherwise there is a part that starts first who is the ghost, the healing, I mean and the other part that starts, for example, a month later, because you are just keeping on waiting there. And that's my story with ghosting or disappearing. Now we have a name to call it.

Gretta: 25:52

Thank you so much for sharing that story and for making an incredible song about what happened to you. I think a lot of people will love the song. It's so catchy and they will definitely relate to the experience.

Marie Pratt: 26:20

Let's listen to Talk To Me, just the ghost being so insecure, even in your thoughts, and I'm the voice of the woman Whose heart you lost. I guess you'd say that doing it this way Was even the best. Let me say it then, just by yourself I just feel in the rest of my chest there are many minds singing this song, this song. There are many ways to stay so long. What if we can't decide how we choose to talk? I am listening. You're not singing alone. Talk to me, talk, talk to me, talk to me, talk, talk to me, talk to me, talk, talk to me alone, say something. Somebody's gonna be loving me better, that's true, cause I've been missing something, but it's not you.

Marie Pratt: 27:37

I was rereading your messages, all of what we went through, and I realized that you've been the messiest man that I knew. There are many minds singing this song. There are many ways, so many ways, to say so long. But if we can decide how it is to talk, I am listening. You're not singing alone, alone. Talk to me, talk, talk to me, talk to me, talk, talk to me, talk to me, talk, talk to me, say something, talk to me, talk, talk to me, talk to me, talk, talk to me, talk to me, talk, talk to me, say something, say something, say something, say something. Talk to me, talk, talk to me. Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me. Talk to me, talk to me. Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, say something.

Gretta: 28:56

Why do you feel passionate about stopping ghosting?

Marie Pratt: 29:01

Since I was ghosted. It's something that hasn't stopped growing in society. It's present in couple relationships, increasingly so with dating apps like Tinder, but now it's even appearing in professional life, in labor, when the company doesn't answer you back. We've become used to thinking that silence means no, and that's not true or not in all the cases, and also because, as I say in my song, there are so many minds singing this song. There are so many minds singing this song, so I think there are enough survivors fighting for healing, and I think that by talking, by stopping ghosting, we can protect next people, next survivors, next generations too. So that's why I feel so passionate to stop about stopping ghost, because I think it's a really important matter.

Gretta: 30:12

How can people who ghost stop this behaviour?

Marie Pratt: 30:18

That's a really interesting question. I thought a lot about it. In my opinion, it's really simple. The best way is to think and find some examples of expressing your emotions and decide which one you want to use, because the problem, the main problem of ghosting, I think it's that the ghost doesn't know how to express their emotions. So maybe you can just make a list of different sentences that express what you are feeling on that moment, and I can give you one example that I use. That is I'm not feeling the way I should be feeling to continue dating with you, but it's been a pleasure to meet you and for me, that gives me closure, perfect.

Gretta: 31:13

Yeah, it's really simple Use your words. There's a lot of examples of how not to ghost on the internet, of how to end a relationship, of breakup scripts and ending friendship scripts and how to quit your job scripts, and all you need to do is find them and use the I statements and just deliver it gently, and it's infinitely better and kinder than ghosting. And I feel really strongly about this too, and I will be creating episodes for ghosts to teach them on how not to ghost in all walks of life, because I find it's important and I also empathize with the ghosts, because it is hard to have really challenging conversations. You never know how people are going to react and sometimes it can feel really scary. So I want to empower people with how to use your words in a way that is relatively kind when you're doing something that might not feel so nice to the other person.

Gretta: 32:19

Yeah totally agree. What is your message of hope for people who are healing after being ghosted?

Marie Pratt: 32:30

I really love this question, actually, and I will keep this answer, or my answer, really short and simple to remind it, because the most important thing here, I think it's to remind it and to say to you every day the fact that they ghosted you has nothing to do with you. It's just they don't know how to express their feelings, so it has to do with them. It's not about you, but about them.

Gretta: 33:03

It's not about you, but about them Exactly. Thank you. Is there anything else that you'd like to share about ghosting or being ghosted with the listeners?

Marie Pratt: 33:14

If you suspect that you are being ghosted, don't wait for several months or weeks to start healing.

Marie Pratt: 33:22

It's your life too, it's your time, and I think it's very unfair for them to steal part of your time by keeping you waiting. So just start being healing as soon as you can, because I've read a lot of cases that, oh, my ghost is coming back to me now, is talking to me saying I did it wrong. Can we just have another try? I would say that, if they come back, my advice personally is don't let them back into your life because they will do it again. And let me explain myself. The issue, as we have been told in this conversation, is they don't know exactly how to express their feelings, so until they learn how to do that, they will repeat it again, again and again. So if the ghost is coming back to your life but he didn't have the time to know how to express, they may repeat their behavior. And, as I say in my song, you don't choose by yourself what is feeling the best on my chest, so don't let them choosing for you.

Gretta: 34:51

Can you explain that?

Marie Pratt: 34:53

Yeah, choose by yourself the ending you would like to have to be fine with with yourself. Don't let them choosing this kind of ending of your relationship, keeping you there waiting, try to. It's super difficult. You that it's good for you, and so if you need to talk and your ghost disappeared so you cannot talk to him, but for you to heal you need to talk, put a chair in the middle of your bedroom or in the middle of your living room and just say whatever you need to say. That's what I wanted to say by don't let them choosing for you, but choose you, do what you need to do to keep going on with your life.

Gretta: 35:57

Brilliant. Imagining that your ghost is sitting in a chair in front of you and telling them off is an extremely healing tool. I absolutely love that. Have a conversation with them, get it all out, yell at the chair. That's very soothing.

Gretta: 36:18

Yeah, I did it on the therapy and so that's why I know it yeah, alternatively, if yelling at a chair is not your thing, you can also write a letter to your ghost in a notebook, journal, piece of paper. Say what you want to say there and then tear it up after. Don't give it to your ghost, but tear it up. Please burn it.

Marie Pratt: 36:50

Exactly, yeah. So your way, your way of closing, because you need it. I needed the closing and that's why we keep on going there, keep on waiting.

Gretta: 37:10

So you have to act.

Marie Pratt: 37:14

How can listeners find your music or get in touch with you? You can find me on Instagram @it is marieprattmusic. Also in Marie Pratt, with double double t. You can listen to all my songs. You can watch the music videos in my youtube channel, marie pratt. Also, you can see Gretta on my last music video, and also deezer, tidalidal, amazon Music, Apple Music. In all digital platforms you can listen to my music. Even if you Google Maria Pratt, you are going to find information about me because I've participated in some international music festivals, so you are going to be able to find information about me.

Gretta: 38:05

Thank you so much for being here.

Marie Pratt: 38:07

Thank you very much, Gretta, for inviting me. It's been a pleasure, it's been wonderful and listeners.

Gretta: 38:13

I encourage you to become part of my vibrant Coping with Ghosting community. Follow @Coping with Ghosting on social media. Join the free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group and share this podcast with anyone you know who's been ghosted. I'd also really appreciate it if you could please leave a rating and review for the show. Your feedback helps spread a message of hope. Finally, be sure to remember when you're ghosted. You have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.