Coping With Ghosting

How to Take Your Power Back After Being Ghosted

• Coach Estee K. • Season 1 • Episode 42

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Is your ghost living rent free in your mind? Are you having trouble feeling like yourself after being ghosted? If so, this episode is for you. In it, Estee K. and Gretta discuss friendship ghosting, dating ghosts, and what taking your power back looks like.

Take Your Power Back Workshop

Connect With Estee:

Coaching With Estee

Email: esteek.co@gmail.com

Facebook  I Instagram

Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

Pogo Stick (not sponsored)

Connect with Gretta:

Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost

Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Speaker 2:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted. I'm Greta and today I'm joined by my friend and fellow coach, sdk. You may remember her from a show we did a while back called Moving Forward After being Ghosted Positive Self-Talk with SDK. Thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, Greta, for having me. I'm so excited for today's episode and what we're going to share together.

Speaker 2:

And so am I, because, since that show aired, esty and I have been working together to put out the Take your Power Back workshop, which, for those of you who are not aware, is a downloadable and interactive video for anyone who's been ghosted. It can really help you understand why ghosting isn't personal, how to focus on yourself, upgrade your mindset and build stability in your life after being ghosted. And this is such a great workshop. I'm so happy about it because it's under an hour, so it's super digestible. You can pause, you can rewind, reflect and come back to any portion whenever you need it. And if you go to copingwithghostingcom or just click the direct link in the show notes, you can get it at such a good price. It's literally a fraction of the cost of any coaching session that I've ever seen.

Speaker 2:

So you know, esty and I we together have been working hard because our goal is simply this we want you to feel amazing in who you are and, with or without your ghost, know that you're whole and worthy and complete. You're not missing anything. So today we're going to discuss taking your power back, and you can think of this podcast as a supplement to our online workshop. So we're going to get into it. But first, esty, if you could please share a bit about your history of being ghosted.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for sharing this, greta. I'm so excited about our workshop together. So I've had my first encounter of being ghosted about five years ago, but the most recent experience I had was about two and a half years ago, where I had studied abroad with someone in 2018. And she and I became fast friends and for any of you who've ever traveled, when you travel and live with someone, you get to know them very quickly. You become very close friends. You know a lot of their ins and outs. It's a, it's a marriage of sorts, and she and I had been together for four months, living together and growing our friendship and studying as well. And after we got back to the States, we still maintained our friendship. We saw each other weekly, talked on the phone all the time, and just about two years ago a year and a half I think now I went to go see her to say goodbye because I was leaving out of the country for a bit and she had canceled the plans and that was fine and we were going to reschedule and I said to her oh okay, I'm leaving the country. Maybe we can reschedule before I go so I can see you again, because she again was one of my best friends. I hadn't heard from her after that. After that I left abroad About a month later still nothing.

Speaker 1:

Nothing. I messaged her. I thought maybe something had happened, like she was going through something I knew personally, and then I gave it a couple of months. It was around the holiday time, our favorite season together messaged her, nothing, and I'm very persistent as a friend, so I will message you just in case things are going on.

Speaker 1:

You lost your phone I give people a lot of benefit of the doubt and I got to a point where, eight months later, around her birthday, I messaged her and she still hadn't responded. And I'm talking about I messaged her on all platforms Facebook. I even found like an old number. I went to her WhatsApp that we used all the time and I was so confused and I wasn't blocked anywhere per se, but nothing. And it's now been, I think, almost two years I haven't heard back from her.

Speaker 1:

No, nothing, and I don't know why. And it was so out of the blue and it was just a very bizarre experience for me because I had been ghosted before, but this one hit very close to home because, like a lot of people I know who've experienced being ghosted, there wasn't necessarily anything wrong or triggering. It was simply something that she chose to do and it's such a hard it's, it was a hard and it's still. Sometimes it's a little bit hard to process it, and I hadn't heard from her and I still haven't have no idea what happened On birthdays or holidays nothing, and I don't believe I'm blocked, but I know that someone very close to me decided that they didn't no longer wanted to be friends. No longer wanted to be friends. So that's one of my more recent stories and the one that I think has been one of the most challenging ones to go through.

Speaker 2:

There really are no words. I'm so sorry that you experienced that and I know how painful it can be, and thank you for sharing that with this audience. I've talked about it on this show. I've been ghosted in friendship too. It's a different type of pain than when we're ghosted in love or in families or in business. It's a really distinct type of experience.

Speaker 1:

And I also feel that in friendships in particular, there's a different level of trust that you give them because they're not a spouse but there's someone who we call like our ride or die right. Those people that we are going, that we would battle, go to the ends of the earth for in a different capacity. It's very like sisterly, familial in that way, and it's so strange when that somehow gets broken or or the rug gets pulled out from under you and you really have no idea why.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly so, sd. I would love to hear what taking your power back after being ghosted means to you, and if you could share how you did this, to how you took your power back after that experience. That'd be great.

Speaker 1:

I love this question because our whole workshop really is about taking your power back, and I definitely struggled a bit with how to do so after that, because you almost feel helpless, right, or someone's taken something from you and you don't know how to move from there. So I actually have three ways that I've done this in the past and it still helps me to this day. I take time off to do fun things with friends. That would be the first thing. I would say. I'm privileged to have multiple friends, and after this one friend had ghosted me, I remember I decided to throw in a lot of my energy into my friendships, and so one of my ways that I've built my confidence is to take time off of doing work to have fun with friends. Do fun silly things, you know, have a paint night, disconnect from social media and emails and work and simply connect with people you love. You know your best friends could even be your family, and I really took a lot of time and created a lot of space for me to do those things with the people that I loved.

Speaker 1:

One of the second things I did was taking up a new hobby, so there was a lot of things that I realized that I could have put my focus and energy to, and I chose to do that. You know you can buy a pogo stick painting, sewing, knitting. You know, learn how to be a calligrapher, whatever it is, and I actually kept a progress journal. That was very helpful. So take up a new hobby and keep up a progress journal. It'll really help you see how far you've come from day one to, let's say, day 30. And it also helps you see how strong you are as a person, that you've developed a new skill, that you're acknowledging your progress, your talents and capabilities as an individual, and helps you recognize that you don't need someone else, that you are perfectly able to stand on your own two feet very confidently and proudly, that you are perfectly able to stand on your own two feet very confidently and proudly. And progress journals are very helpful in this area.

Speaker 1:

And finally, the third thing I did was I created what I called a confidence outfit. So this is an outfit where it's a power outfit. When you put on, let's say, a red lipstick, or you're putting on a great suit or whatever it is that you simply feel confident in and it feels so good to you, it feels good against your skin. It feels like you're a whole new person. You're taking on this new persona that you could take on the world in it. I really recommend and encourage everyone to have that power outfit for themselves, to give themselves something to boost who they are on the inside and then to physically have that as something that they're able to show both for themselves and the world, because you can rock whatever you choose to rock.

Speaker 2:

I love all the things that you did when I was ghosted by my friend of 15 years. You can imagine there was a lot of free space and time in my life after that because I had spent a lot of time with her and her daughter and it just there was a noticeable void. And so I love how you said to take up all these hobbies. I love that you said buy a pogo stick. That is hilarious. I totally want to buy one now because why not? That's so silly. It's so when something falls away, when a door closes, another door opens and there's richness behind it. Absolutely, I want to share what taking my power back meant for me after I was ghosted. It looked a little different, but of course it had a lot of these same elements. Now that I think about it had a lot of these same elements. Now that I think about it, I realize that if my life is a car and I'm driving it, it's all about grabbing the steering wheel and taking charge of where I'm going Not only my body but my mind, because I'm not responsible for the fact that I was ghosted. I didn't cause it, but I now was in a position where I could choose how to respond to it and bounce back and having the inner strength to acknowledge the emotions that I was having, even if they were really hard, and dive into them and honor them, even if it was extremely painful, and knowing that, yes, I felt shattered, but I'm going to hold the space for myself and give myself the time to grieve, because it is a 15 year friendship, right Like I knew at that time that I wasn't just going to get over it right away and that it was important to carve out time to really pry and write in my journal. I didn't keep a progress journal, like you, but I wrote a letter to my ghost and then I didn't send it to her, but I got everything out onto paper to acknowledge how I was feeling, and that was really cathartic. I'm really just all about feeling my feelings and allowing them to flow and then putting my hands on my heart and giving myself a hug and learning how to self-soothe is really important. So focusing on myself was a big part of my taking my power back and not trying to manifest her back and not looking at her social media.

Speaker 2:

I really firmly believe that if you were in a place where you're able to and ready to. Then blocking your ghost on social media is a healthy thing to do, at the minimum unfollowing them so they don't keep on popping back into your feed and triggering you. So I did reach out a couple of times. I actually used my own guide. Coincidentally it's on my website. It is free. What to say to your ghost? It's a free copy and paste guide that I wrote with the wonderful Aaron from Atlantic Mediation and I'll put that in the show notes and you can get your free copy. But I actually did use some of the texts from there and I still never heard back from this person.

Speaker 2:

So I knew that I had to write the last chapter of my relationship story for myself. I had to close the book and not let being ghosted take over my life. I knew that I wasn't going to be defined by that experience. I knew that I could heal, I can get through a lot because I want to live a happy life Again. Going back to what Esty and I want for you I want to continue to feel amazing. So, having that experience it did not stop me from continuing and trying to make new friends. I knew that I could cultivate new healthy, strong and loving relationships despite what happened, because not everyone is a ghost, so I didn't let the ghost hold me back on any level.

Speaker 1:

It's incredible what you've done and what you've chosen for yourself, even after being ghosted.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Estee. Can you share about self-care and what you've done for self-care after being ghosted?

Speaker 1:

I love this point because one of the things I was going to say earlier was the focal point of all of the ways that I was starting to build my self-confidence was focusing on myself. You had mentioned this a few minutes ago, that you were creating a space for you to heal, and I think it's so important often gets overlooked. Self-care can look very differently for every person. These are simply some of the things that I've done. So self-care and what I did was created a routine for myself that I could stick to, because, as you said, greta, there's a lot of the times that when we are ghosted, there's a lot of space. There's a huge void, all this free time and mental space that you suddenly have and you want. You're wondering, like how can I fill it? So I started cultivating different habits within self-care.

Speaker 1:

Right, I started having like spa nights for myself, doing my nails frequently, let's say, if you're a lover of food, maybe starting to have a cooking night for yourself. It's really about ways of treating yourself to the things that you enjoy and the things that you love. Self-care is about looking at yourself, looking yourself in the mirror if you decide to do that, and saying, hey, I'm here to take care of you too, because often the person that gets neglected the most is you, and you matter more than anyone else. So the best way to help heal is to focus on the different things that you actually need. Some of the things I needed was a lot of good food. I threw myself into a lot of baking. I started perfecting a chocolate chip cookie recipe.

Speaker 2:

Whoa wait. Can you please just tell me what recipe is the best?

Speaker 1:

So I actually used a recipe, but I added my own spin to it, so I use a lot of oat flour. Coconut sugar is a very huge tool. You always add a little bit of cinnamon in there, because it's a surprise, surprise spice you never know. And have fun with a vanilla extract and some chunky chocolate chips and you got yourself a really great cookie.

Speaker 2:

That sounds really good, I like it.

Speaker 1:

I will share the recipe with everyone as well. I can add it to the show notes with Greta, do it.

Speaker 1:

I really want to make this. I love to make my own spin on things, and I think one of the things that I did was really threw myself into baking because I loved feeding myself, but having something be homemade, as opposed to going out and buying it, felt so different. I even upped my wardrobe right. We did a revamping of my closet, cleaning your room, reading new books.

Speaker 1:

Self-care is really cultivating ways that you need to be with yourself, so that looks very differently for every person. If you need help figuring out ways to do so, please reach out to us. It's simply creating a list and holding a space for yourself of things that you enjoy doing and things that are going to make you feel better, and whatever that is for you, follow it, because it's so important and it's going to help you and your heart heal. And tell yourself and teach yourself that hey, I'm here for you too. Just because someone did something to you or left you or made you feel a certain way, doesn't mean that you are going to do the same thing for yourself, and so cultivating self-care is such a beautiful way of saying to yourself hey, I'm there for you through all of this and we're going to do it together.

Speaker 2:

Well said. Another thing I'd like to add that I did to take my power back was I went to therapy and I just want to mention here that Esty and I are not licensed mental health professionals, but we've both been ghosted enough and we've both been through some very challenging times with it, to the point where it's a mission for us to help others heal with practical common sense, very easy to implement in your life, steps that everybody can do. The type of therapy that I did that I really think is magical is called EMDR and that stands for eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing therapy, and basically what I did was I tapped my knees and I closed my eyes and I went back to experiencing and feeling in my body what it felt like to be ghosted, and then after a couple of minutes, or even less than a minute 30 seconds, I would share about how I was feeling with a therapist, and so if you have access to therapy, specifically EMDR, highly recommend it. Also, esty and I, if you did want some extra handholding through this, we do offer one-on-one coaching sessions, in that we hold a safe space for you where you can talk to somebody who has been ghosted and completely understands the level of pain and we are compassionate people who will help you move forward.

Speaker 2:

And again, our Take your Power Back workshop is a great supplement to therapy and coaching. I did just receive a testimonial for it, esty, and I wanted to share it. Somebody wrote to me saying this was such an amazing presentation on the healing process and I began writing in the workbook. I am only on page two of the workbook and it did something powerful in helping me align my thinking. I highly recommend the Take your Power Back workshop to anyone who has been ghosted, regardless of the ghosting timeline. I was excited to get that.

Speaker 1:

That's amazing. I love hearing that. And it's especially important that they said regardless of the ghosting timeline, because, as you know, Greta, and as I know, and I'm sure some of our listeners, ghosting timeline is not necessarily linear. It can take a long time. However long that is is very subjective to each individual. So having this tool is so helpful at whatever stage you are in the healing process.

Speaker 2:

If it's been years, decades since you've been ghosted and it still is painful. Please don't judge yourself for that. Please know that others feel the same and are going through this too. This is one of the hardest things in life that you could possibly go through in terms of relationships because, unlike a death, there is no burial and there's no ceremony or ritual. Unlike a divorce, there's no divorce papers or proceedings, there's no conclusion. Unlike a breakup, where you have a conversation at the end of your relationship to end it with somebody and there's words exchanged. With ghosting, it's just a sudden end and it's completely confusing to our brains. It's really just hard for us to process, and this is whether it's in love, business and friendship and family. It could be any walk of life, any relationship. Our brains like closed loops and this just leaves a hole and it's not like we can Google the answer. It's completely. Oh, it's such a sucky feeling really.

Speaker 1:

It's like a shot to the brain and the heart because it doesn't know what to do with this sudden end. There's no logical conclusion that it can make, and your brains don't like that. Our brains like to have neat, tight bows that make sense to it and that it can make, and your brains don't like that. Our brains like to have neat, tight bows that make sense to it and that you can logically think your way out of. And in this case it's the worst type, because there is nothing that tells you oh, by the way, this is the end. This is why it's a completely open-ended question mark, essentially.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's an open tab in the brain and we cannot stand that. Plus taking your power back, it's really about not letting your ghost live rent free in the precious real estate in your mind.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I love that. It's so true. Often we get stuck with having our ghosts taking up that space, when really, if you, when you choose actually to take your power back, you can say to yourself they don't no longer have that ability to take up that space and you can fill it in with chocolate chip cookies.

Speaker 2:

Right and take the time that you would have spent in nurturing that relationship and just bring it right back to you. I remember being so sad when I was dating somebody who ghosted me because I had just imagined a bright future with him and I had to mourn the loss of him, the loss of this future vision in addition to him. That was really challenging too.

Speaker 1:

I'm sure it was. That's so hard, especially because there's also so many conversations that get exchanged between two people of, oh next day we'll do this Right, oh my gosh, I can't wait. Or that subtle hint of, oh you know, when we have kids one day, kind of a comment, let's say. People drop these kinds of comments all the time without realizing the implications it has on your subconscious mind, and then you take it up and when you are ghosted, that happens and you feel that loss, I think even more so because there's also that whole future, as you said, to mourn, and those promises and the other dates that you know were spoken about or whatever trips.

Speaker 2:

Holidays. Yeah, exactly Holidays.

Speaker 1:

Having a person on Valentine's Day, which is hard for so many people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, so our hope is really that the Take your Power Back workshop will help turn this all around for you. If you're in the weeds, if your ghost is taking up this real estate in your mind to help you just get back on track and start living again for yourself, just one day at a time. Estee, is there anything else you'd like to share before we end?

Speaker 1:

You mentioned this earlier and I think it's really important to reiterate Whatever your ghosting timeline is, please be gentle with yourselves. It's not you right. It's nothing you did. It's really important that you give yourself so much leeway and love and support and we're here for you. We really are. Greta has an amazing community she's built and so many resources and tools, and please feel free to reach out to us, because it's not an easy process and you're not in need of doing it alone. And remember that. And remember to be really kind to yourselves and gentle like you would a baby. You know, nurturing them through a sickness.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, take a sick day if you need to. Absolutely, and that community you mentioned. Not only am I on Instagram and a little bit of TikTok, but there's also the coping with ghosting Facebook group, which is free and private. You can post your ghost story anonymously, comment on other people's shares. Estia and I are in it. We're always active reading the posts, so that's a great outlet for anybody who wants some additional support as well.

Speaker 1:

It's a great space for everyone to be in. If you really need some more love and support and community and people who come from all different walks of life sharing different types of stories that really help you feel connected with other people too.

Speaker 2:

Esty. How can listeners connect with you?

Speaker 1:

So you can always find me on my Instagram, at lifewithestk, or I'm more active on Facebook, esty Kessler, which Greta will put in the show notes today. And if you ever feel old school and would simply like to send me an email, you're more than welcome to at sdkco at gmailcom.

Speaker 2:

That is wonderful and again, grab the take your power back workshop. We'll put a link to it in the show notes and thank you so much, SD. It's been so wonderful to have you here.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for having me. I have had such a fun time talking about our stories and sharing with listeners different ways that they can feel happier and heal in their hearts.

Speaker 2:

And as this show has helped you, esty, and I would really appreciate it if you could please leave a five-star rating wherever you're listening, because doing so will help more people who have been ghosted discover this and learn more healthy ways to heal. Finally, be sure to remember when you are ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.