Coping With Ghosting

Body Image, Eating Disorders, and Ghosting with Dr. Michele Jensen

• Gretta

Share episode

If you’re struggling with your body image or eating disorders after being ghosted, you’re not alone. In this episode, Dr. Michele Jensen, PsyD, LMFT, joins Gretta to discuss navigating difficulties, such as the belief that you were ghosted due to your physical appearance and what to do if your eating habits have been impacted by being ghosted. 

Discover  ways to boost your self-esteem,  challenge negative thinking patterns,  and feel better after being ghosted.

Connect with Dr. Michele Jensen:
Sol Counseling and Wellness
michele@solcounselingstudio.com

Resources Mentioned:
ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders)
International Suicide Hotlines
Cognitive Distortions Information

Connect With Gretta:
Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost
Coaching With Gretta
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

BetterHelp:
Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsored

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and today's topic is body image. My guest is Dr. Michele Jensen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical psychologist in San Diego, California. Dr Jensen has been in private practice for over 15 years and provides specialized treatment of eating disorders, addiction and trauma, and she works with individuals, couples and families. Dr. Jensen's a wife, mom of two-legged and four-legged beings, lover of all things psychological and passionate about partnering with people to help them have authentic and fulfilling lives. Thank you so much for being here today.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

You're welcome, Gretta. Thank you so much for inviting me and having me.

Gretta:

I'm thrilled to have you here because body image is such an important topic and I know that in the past when I've been ghosted I thought, oh, I wasn't pretty enough, Maybe that's why I was ghosted. And I've had many clients and people in my free and private Facebook group say that I just was ghosted because I'm not good looking enough. How would you address this statement from a therapeutic stance?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yeah, unfortunately this is so common and I've heard that also in the therapy room I can understand why so many men and or women want to associate these two things that I'm being ghosted because I'm not good, you know, not good looking enough. But, however, 90% of the time one doesn't have to do with the other really at all. There's about 10% of the population that is probably shallow and actually only invested in looks, so this may be a truth for them. But, however, ghosting has everything to do with the person doing the ghosting, not the ghosted. Individuals who ghost tend to have a lot of things in common, actually, and research says they really lack communication skills. They can lack empathy, they can lack emotional maturity, they can have fear of a commitment. Sometimes it's unresolved anger resulting in passive, aggressive nature of the ghosting behavior avoidant personalities and attachment styles, fear of confrontation and conflict. So none of those things, as you can hear, have anything to do with not being pretty enough.

Gretta:

Yes, thank you for saying that and for sharing all of those reasons why people may ghost. I'd love for you to share practical steps that listeners can take to enhance their self-esteem and foster a greater sense of confidence in their bodies.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Thank you for asking about that. I love actionable steps and items and self-esteem is it's just so important, right? It's the framework, I think, for how we are and how we present to the world, and so I'm taking some steps from good old cognitive behavioral therapy and anybody can look up more about that. You can Google it and find all kinds of great stuff. But I think the steps would be recognize situations that affect your self-esteem and list them out. Is it when people might be mad at you? Are there work situations? Is it ghosting? Are there life changes, failing of an exam, etc.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

And then become aware of those thoughts and feelings and beliefs about the situation, particularly when they are negative and also irrational, and then the next step would be asking yourself what percentage of them feels true and what percentage feels false. For example, if your self-esteem is heavily affected by people being mad at you, is it 10% true that your best friend is mad at you because she didn't call you back? Is it 100% true? It's really hard to get to that 100%, so even if it's 20% true, that still means 80% of that has nothing to do with you. She could be busy, she could be doing something else, and so what this does is it brings rational thoughts to the table and challenges the irrational ones.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

And once you identify some negative thinking patterns, you can see that they fit into some distorted categories. And at the end of the podcast I think, Gretta, you had indicated you're going to list out some resources and there'll be some resources there if you want to learn more about the different types of distorted thinking patterns. If you want to learn more about the different types of distorted thinking patterns, one is all or nothing thinking, or mental filtering, which is focusing only on the negative, let's say body parts, and filtering out everything else, jumping to negative conclusions. So there's several I think there's gosh 15 or 20 patterns of negative thinking that need to be challenged. And then you want to adjust your thoughts and beliefs to something more accurate. Use hopeful statements, forgiving yourself. Definitely one of the best things to do to adjust thoughts is avoiding should or must statements. So that's kind of in a nutshell and, if you want to read more about it, some specific steps one could take to build up their self-esteem.

Gretta:

Oh, wow, I love that, though, going back to avoiding should or must statements, I should have spent more time getting ready for the date. He didn't like me. He ghosted me because I didn't look perfect.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

How could somebody reframe that yes, I love that scenario, for instance, right. So that's going to trigger some self-esteem, some feelings of I guess I'm not good enough and that's why I'm in this situation. And so you want to pay attention to what kind of thoughts you're thinking and feelings you're having at that point. And is there any distorted thinking going on? Even just the fact that you focus on your body and it not being enough time, not taking enough time to get ready, that should statement puts you in a distorted thinking pattern, probably, I would say discounting the positives or jumping to negative conclusions. And so you want to really be forgiving and kind to yourself. You want to use hopeful statements, you want to comfort yourself and say you know what? I did spend some time getting ready and when I left the house I felt pretty good, I looked really nice, it was good enough. That's just one example.

Gretta:

Let's say yeah, exactly so saying it, having self-compassion and realizing that perhaps I'm making an assumption that is unhelpful to the situation. It's not making me feel any better when I say something like that to myself. I'm going to be intentional in the words I use when I'm speaking and thinking and treat myself like a friend would treat me or like I would treat one of my best friends.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, Turn that towards yourself.

Gretta:

Oh, another funny thing is to stop shitting all over yourself. Have you heard of that?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, stop shitting all over yourself. It you heard of that. Yes, stop shitting all over yourself. It should be a bumper sticker or something.

Gretta:

Yeah, yeah, should is never gonna help.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

I like the tactic replacing should with like I would have liked to have taken more time getting ready. I would have liked to have spent more time studying. It takes the shame out. It just says, oh gosh, it's a preference, not as something's wrong with you because you didn't do that.

Gretta:

Right? Yes, if you've been ghosted, it's important to focus on yourself and prioritize your self-care. And that's why I'm all about therapy, because, regardless of whether you have a clinical mental health issue like depression or anxiety, or if you're just navigating life's obstacles, therapy can give you tools to approach your life in a different way. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's sponsor, betterhelp. Betterhelp's mission is to make therapy more affordable and accessible, and this is important because finding a therapist can be tough, especially when you're limited to the options in your area. Betterhelp is a platform that makes finding a therapist easier because it's online, it's remote and, by filling out a few questions, better help can match you to a professional therapist in as little as a few days. It's easy to sign up and get matched with a therapist. There's a link in my show notes. It's betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting. Clicking that link supports my podcast, but it also gets you 10% off your first month of BetterHelp so you can connect with a therapist and see if it helps you. And because finding a therapist can be challenging, if you don't really fit with that therapist which is a common theme with therapy you can easily switch to a new therapist at no additional cost, without stressing about insurance or who's in your network.

Gretta:

After being ghosted, therapy helped me better understand that it had nothing to do with what I said or what I did in the relationship, or even what I looked like. Going to therapy taught me how to choose people who were choosing me. So if you're struggling, consider online therapy with Better Help. Click the link in the show notes or visit betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting. That's Better Help. H-e-l-pcom slash coping with ghosting. Thanks, betterhelp, for supporting my podcast. Some of my coaching clients have come to me and said the person who ghosted me is now dating somebody who is much more attractive than me. I know they ghosted me because I wasn't hot enough for them and I'm like well, I don't know. I don't know. I wonder what should somebody do if they feel that this statement is true for them?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

So I just feel a lot of compassion because I've experienced that myself, you know, back in my dating life, and I think it's something all of us have experienced. If you're out there dating at all, and one of the thoughts that comes to mind is it may feel real to you, but that doesn't necessarily make it true. So one of my thoughts are feelings are always real, but they're not always factual, and it's important to kind of keep that in mind. You can never really know for sure what another person is thinking or feeling. You want to focus on and redirect your thoughts to what you are feeling, reminding yourself of all the reasons why you are a great potential partner. Compare yourself to yourself, not another person. What goals have you met in your lifetime? What strides have you made to grow as a person? And something I always think about is remind yourself.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

I call it the ice cream scenario. Dating is really about preferences, and I think about it with ice cream. Just because I choose a scoop of chocolate ice cream doesn't mean it's better than vanilla or strawberry or peanut butter cup. It's just what I'm preferring in the moment. I also really like vanilla, I also really like peanut butter cup and there's nothing wrong with it just because I happen to pick chocolate. I feel like that is a great scenario to look at when someone is feeling rejected in that way and personalizing it.

Gretta:

Yeah, it's true. I mean, there's so many different things that you could replace with. The person I'm dating is now dating somebody who's younger than me, who's smarter than me, who's whatever it is. But I love what you said, because it really helps put this into perspective.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Right, it's about preferences, it isn't. It really has nothing to do. If I choose the red shirt, it doesn't mean I don't think the white one is good enough. I just didn't want to wear the white one because I wanted the you know to wear red today. Yeah, Will you please't want to wear the white one because I wanted to wear red today?

Gretta:

Yeah, will you please share your thoughts on the connection between being ghosted and body image?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yeah, this is such a great question. I'm so glad we're talking about this because I think it can be incredibly confusing, especially when you're in the midst of it. I see ghosting from my perspective as a form of emotional abandonment, and so many individuals who struggle with body image issues also have experienced abandonment in their past and therefore essentially feel consistently inadequate and are more likely then to project that inadequacy onto their body because it's something that can be controlled. Right, I can't change who I am, I'm inadequate as a person, but I can project that onto my body and maybe I can change it. So the connection is actually the trauma. Ghosting triggers the trauma and therefore brings forth negative body image issues.

Gretta:

If that makes sense, that does make sense and it hurts my heart. It's a really sad thing. I feel like being ghosted. It's just one of the worst things that can happen to us in our relationship. So painful and particularly again if you have any of that in your past doing the ghosting are ghosting in general because they're insecure about their body. Is that possible?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Absolutely, I feel like the reverse can be true, especially if it is someone who has some of those characteristics we were talking about before. They have poor communication skills. They lack empathy themselves. That means they are not turning any empathy towards themselves. They're using maybe some defense mechanisms like projection and transference to deal with their own feelings of shame and inadequacy. Ghosting helps them to avoid acknowledging their own issues and negative feelings about themselves by maybe making that about another person.

Gretta:

Absolutely, I can imagine a scenario where you're dating somebody and they ghost you before you get intimate with them because they're insecure about you seeing their body.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, right, and so, to avoid that altogether, the ghosting becomes the behavior that allows them to avoid their own shame and inadequacy. But it's gonna end up feeling like it's about you, or could end up feeling like it's about you.

Gretta:

Yeah, so I wanted to circle back to the connection between being ghosted and body image. Do you think that there's a connection between being ghosted and eating disorders?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, I'm so glad you're talking about this and kind of, how does that connection develop? And I think there's an indirect relationship, right. That being ghosted can trigger these painful feelings of abandonment and it triggers trauma, and so I think then that gets projected onto the body and I feel really dissatisfied with my body and then an eating disorder can be a very extreme way to cope with that right, to cope with those feelings, and it can be from disordered eating and extreme dieting all the way to full-blown anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. So I feel like it's a spectrum, but it is really a coping mechanism. And so if the ghost gene triggers the trauma the trauma is fear of abandonment and attachment wounds Then my body image comes up, my negative body image, thoughts come up, and then I began to use eating, disordered behaviors as a way to cope with those feelings. Yeah, it's a form of control. Yeah, form of control, you got it.

Gretta:

Well, if somebody is listening to this podcast and they know they have an eating disorder or they think they might have an eating disorder, what could they do about it? What should they do? What's the first step? How can they get help?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

I'm so glad for you know mediums like podcasts and how you know your podcast, Gretta, is just reaching individuals who may or may not have even known they have an eating disorder or, all of a sudden, being able to become more aware that, wow, I'm actually doing that. That's what's going on. Maybe that's why I feel so terrible. So I feel like some actionable steps. I think is step number one admitting to yourself, right, self-honesty. Wow, I think I have a problem.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

I think actually what I'm doing is not healthy, and it is one of the most powerful steps a person can take. I think, once that step is taken seeking treatment of any form, including reading self-help books, attending online meetings, listening to podcasts such as this, support groups, sharing with a close friend and I've sent over a few of online resources where, if therapy feels like too big of a step, or going in and maybe talking to a counselor seems like too big of a step, there are so many wonderful resources on the Internet where you can, in the comfort of your own home, get some support around this, because I feel like seeking support from safe people is the actionable step. I agree.

Gretta:

Somebody's not sure if they have an eating disorder. Is there a chart or a quiz they can take, or anything like that?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, if you go on, there's a couple of, let's say, one that I know has a lot of great resources the National Alliance for Eating Disorders.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

They have lots of wonderful resources there and instruments, that questionnaires that someone could take to just get an idea, and those questionnaires will show you are am I in the extreme or moderate? Or again, where am I at on this spectrum? Because I find that a lot of people when they come in, let's say, to my office, they don't have any idea where they lie on that spectrum and that tends to be the more scarier thing and it also tends to be the thing that might keep people from seeking help, because they don't actually know where am I at. Am I subclinical, am I clinical, am I extreme? So yes, the Alliance for Eating Disorders is a great place. Also, anad has a hotline, and ANAD is anorexia nervosa and associated disorders. They have a hotline there where you can just talk to someone and they can ask you. They have screening questions and they will be able to tell you like, hey, here's where you lie on this spectrum and what you might want to do about it.

Gretta:

Yeah, to be honest, I've met a lot of people, and when I say met, maybe not in person, but through coaching and through the private Facebook group where, after being ghosted, it's so upsetting, it's so shocking and so traumatic that people say I can't eat, I don't even want to drink, I can't do anything, and I take that literally seriously. If you can't hold down liquids at this point, please go to the hospital right.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, there's no such thing as an overreaction. In other words, if you're in crisis or you don't even know if you're in crisis and you reach out to a crisis hotline like, let's say, anads or even any kind of crisis hotline, a suicide crisis hotline no one will ever turn you away. They will just meet you where you're at and say okay, you're not suicidal, that's okay. It sounds like you're really struggling with eating. Here's what we're going to suggest that you do. These resources are. We're all trained to accept whatever is coming, and any crisis is a crisis. So there's no such thing as an overreaction.

Gretta:

There's no such thing as an overreaction. Listeners take that to heart.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, Thank you for clarifying that. It's a really really important message.

Gretta:

Is there anything else that you'd like to share with listeners about body image, eating disorder, healing after being ghosted? Any other thoughts you may have?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yeah, One of the thoughts that comes up I'm so glad you're doing this podcast is it feels, I think, to most people when it happens to them that it's so personal and it's so wonderful to be able to come to a community where somebody else said, oh, that happened to me tonight too, and it hurts, and we talk through it and we care about each other through it. It's so healing and we care about each other through it. It's so healing. And so, even if it's body image okay, I wasn't ghosted, but I'm still struggling I don't feel good enough. I think the healing comes in the form of community and so getting connected with community resources. I cannot express how important that step is and how healing that step is. Therapy is wonderful, clinical groups are great, but there are so many resources in our world that don't have anything to do with either one of those things that can be incredibly helpful.

Gretta:

I made a reel for my Instagram account. I think I pinned it because it's so important. It says you weren't ghosted because of what you said or how you look. You were ghosted because the person who did the ghosting was either unable or unwilling to maturely communicate the end of your relationship with them.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, it's beautiful. So true, yeah, that's it. 90% of the time that's it.

Gretta:

Listeners, you're all hot, you're all beautiful, you're all super attractive. I love you all. You're amazing. Say that to yourselves now. Yes, yes, please do daily several times a day, look in the mirror and just find the part of yourself that you love the most and focus on that and know that you're awesome.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yes, self-love, you are awesome, all of you out there. Thank you for listening and being interested and having the courage to reach out and share what's going on for you. Hope you can now relax yourselves for that.

Gretta:

Yeah, how can listeners connect with you?

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Yeah, thank you. Email is probably the best way. I co-own a group practice. It's Sol Counseling and Wellness Studio, so that's our website, www. sol counselingstudio. come and my email is michele@soulcounselingstudio. com. I can also be reached at 619-518-3415. If anybody has any questions or wants to learn more, please reach out.

Gretta:

Sol Counseling and Wellness is incredible. It's located in Solana Beach in San Diego, California, and I highly recommend it. Not only is there therapy, but they also have really wonderful other services as well. Like a nutritionist, they offer massage, I think, yoga classes. It's just a great all around place to go if you are in the Southern California area and looking for a day of healing, wonderful experiences and excellent therapists.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

Thank you, Gretta. We appreciate that. We appreciate that. Yes, come check us out. We have group therapy too. We have rotating classes and group therapy. It's pretty affordable. So we would love to hear from you.

Gretta:

Well, thank you so much for joining me today.

Dr. Michele Jensen:

You're welcome, Gretta. Thank you so much for having me. Good luck with everything.

Gretta:

Thank you and listeners be sure to remember when you are ghosted, you have more time to connect with your beautiful self and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.