Coping With Ghosting

Re-release: 9 Ways to Heal After Being Ghosted

• Gretta

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If you're struggling with the pain of being ghosted, this soothing and reassuring episode is for you! Mayra Rodriguez, LMFT shares important reminders as you heal from the shock, frustration and loss of your ghost.  Her wise insights will help you cope with ghosting and feel better and more optimistic about days ahead.

Connect with Mayra R., LMFT

@thelosangelestherapist on Instagram

@thelosangelestherapist on TikTok 


Connect With Gretta:
Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost
Coaching With Gretta
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

BetterHelp:
Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsored

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Hi friends, it's Greta. I have some great new episodes that will air soon, including one about long-term relationship ghosting and another about bread crumbing, but this week I'm on a digital detox for a writing retreat where I plan to write an essential survival guide for coping with ghosting. In the meantime, I'm replaying an episode I love Nine Gentle Reminders as you, he, heal from being ghosted. Take a listen. Why did you have to leave? Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the show that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted. I'm your host, greta, and today my guest is Mayra Rodriguez, LMFT, who specializes in providing mental health information, tools and resources. Myra is here to share important reminders as you heal from being ghosted. I found Mayra through her serene, pretty and inspirational Instagram feed, which I suggest you go check out. The handle is at the Los Angeles Therapist and, by the way, I just love that name at the Los Angeles therapist.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be here with you today and to talk about such an important topic, thank you.

Gretta:

So you recently shared a helpful list of nine gentle reminders as you heal on Instagram, and I'm curious to hear how each reminder applies to healing after being ghosted. I'll just take you through them. I've labeled them one through nine. Number one is what happened was not your fault.

Mayra R., LMFT:

I think, especially with ghosting, it can be very easy for us to somehow think that what happened was our fault, that somehow that person ghosting us was a reflection of our worth, it was a reflection of us. But really that's actually the complete opposite. Typically, when someone ghosts us, it has nothing to do with us and it has everything to do with where they're at in life, and that's something that we cannot control. That's something that's out of our control, and in the beginning it can be very difficult to accept that, and it's completely normal for us to feel at fault, and that is why we have to actively remind ourselves when our mind wants to tell us it was my fault, it was a reflection of me, it was because I wasn't good enough. That's when we need to remind ourselves hey, it wasn't your fault. The fact that this person is at a different place in their lives is not my fault.

Gretta:

Oh my gosh, that's so validating. It's so great to hear you say that. It's just so soothing when you say that. And yeah, you can never cause somebody not to tell you goodbye Exactly how you said. You cannot control somebody else's behavior.

Mayra R., LMFT:

That's right. We only have control of ourselves, yeah.

Gretta:

So number two is it's okay to have a bad day, week or month. Healing is not linear. Bad day, week or month.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Healing is not linear. I cannot stress this enough that healing is not linear. Healing has many ups and downs. It's a process and in that process you're going to have good days and you're going to have bad days, and it's okay if you have a bad day, a bad week or a bad month. It's part of the healing process. I think sometimes we expect our healing journey to look perfect, to look neat, but that's not how life works and that's not how healing works either, and so it's completely normal that there's going to be that fluctuation in your feelings, that there's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days. Please know that you're doing nothing wrong. Please know that that's part of the process. It's opening ourselves up to feeling everything and having good days and having bad days and, like I mentioned, it's not linear. So be gentle, be patient and kind with yourself. You're in the process and it's okay to not have it together all the time.

Gretta:

Yeah, I definitely relate to this. The pain, the shock, the anger and confusion. It all came in waves for me and still it comes at random times, so I could be in a work meeting or a yoga class and I can feel the pain of being ghosted because it's still within me.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Yeah, and I'm glad that you bring this up because I'm sure that a lot of our listeners can relate to that and that's actually very normal that we're going to have different feelings are going to come up for us and, like you mentioned, you could be at work, you could be with a friend, you could be at home, and sometimes those feelings are going to come up and it's okay because that's that's actually part of the healing process. So don't feel bad if that's happening to you. It's at, it's part of the journey.

Gretta:

I appreciate your sharing that, of course. Okay, so number three is you are allowed to ask for help.

Mayra R., LMFT:

This is so important. I think sometimes we feel like we have to do it all on our own. And I think sometimes we feel like we have to do it all on our own, and when it comes to healing, it's absolutely okay to ask for help, it's okay to reach out for support, and it's important to do so with people who are safe, people who will understand you, people who are willing to listen to you, because not everyone in our circle is necessarily going to be our go-to person, and that's okay. Right In that healing process, we're also going to gain wisdom as to who we should reach out to for support. But I want to let you know that it's okay.

Mayra R., LMFT:

It's okay to need that support, it's okay to need help, and it's also okay to even ask for professional help. That's actually a great step towards our healing journey. It's a great step towards our healing journey. It's a great step towards growth and development. And so sometimes I know there can be a sense of shame oh, no, I have to ask for help. That must mean I'm weak or I'm not strong enough or I can't do it on my own, and I'm here to tell you that no, it's absolutely normal. We were actually meant to connect with others, and so healing happens when we also connect with others, and so give yourself permission to ask for help and reach out for support.

Gretta:

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Being ghosted can be heartbreaking. It can bring up intense feelings and open past emotional wounds. And what can really help is talking about these issues with a therapist, because, regardless of whether you have a clinical mental health issue like depression or anxiety, or if you're just a human who lives in this world and is going through a hard time, therapy can give you the tools to approach your life in a very different way. After being ghosted, therapy helped me handle challenging emotions and cultivate self-compassion. It was a game changer, and that's why I'm happy to tell you about today's sponsor, betterhelp.

Gretta:

Betterhelp connects you with a licensed therapist trained to listen and provide helpful, unbiased advice. You can visit their site using my link, betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting, and all you need to do is answer a few questions and BetterHelp will match you to a professional who has years of experience helping people with struggles similar to yours. You can do this all from your phone or computer, via phone call, video chat or messaging, whatever's most comfortable for you. So visit betterhelp. com/coping with ghosting, or choose coping with ghosting during signup and enjoy a special discount on your first month. The direct link is also in my show notes. I love that. Yeah, it is really important that you find these safe people. So these are the people that are not judging you, they're not belittling you, they're not making you feel worse when you tell them your story and your truth. Right, yeah, okay. So number four is you deserve to be loved, respected and treated well.

Mayra R., LMFT:

I think, after we've been ghosted, there can be a lot of feelings of low self-esteem, of insecurity, thoughts of not being good enough, and that's where we have to work through those thoughts. We have to work through those feelings and remind ourselves that we do deserve to be loved, we deserve to be respected, we deserve to be treated well. That is our human right. And just because this person was not able to provide that for us does not mean that we're not worthy of it. It does not mean that we can't experience that in our next relationship or in the future. And so ghosting leaves a lot of negative, lingering feelings and thoughts, and so when those thoughts and those feelings come up, remind yourself I am worthy, I deserve respect, I deserve to be loved and I can be treated well. It might not have worked out with this person, but it doesn't mean that it won't work out with someone else. It doesn't mean that I won't be able to experience the fullness of what is a healthy relationship.

Gretta:

I love that. You said that it's our human right. That's so profound to hear and it's so accurate. This person, this ghost, their action isn't a representation of your lovability. It's a representation of their character, right yeah, I always end my podcast by saying be sure to remember when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and those who truly appreciate you. You deserve the best. That's absolutely right. Yeah, so number five, you are not a mistake.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Yes, and we go back to that right that we've already touched on it, where being ghosted can bring a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts that are uncomfortable, and a lot of thoughts and a lot of thoughts that are uncomfortable and a lot of thoughts and feelings that can be negative.

Mayra R., LMFT:

And, like I mentioned, sometimes we turn that pain inward and somehow we believe that maybe it is our fault, maybe there was something wrong with us. It's human of us to sometimes do that. But, as you heal, remind yourself that you are not a mistake, that you are not fundamentally flawed. That because this didn't work out, because this person did this to you, does not mean that you're not lovable. It does not mean that you're a mistake. And so sometimes we're going to have to take that extra effort to remind ourselves of that truth, because in the moment it might not feel like that. If we're being honest, in the moment it it can be easy, like I mentioned, to turn that inward and somehow think that it's a reflection of us. But, as you heal, make sure that you're you're reminding yourself of these things. Remind yourself I'm not a mistake, I am worthy, and just because this person did this to me does not mean that that was a reflection of who I am as a person.

Gretta:

Agree, and we all make mistakes. When we make a mistake, it doesn't define us. Mistakes are just a moment in time. You are not your past. Exactly Moving on to the next one. It's number six. You have a purpose.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Yes, this isn't your final destination. This, this thing that happened to you with this person, the ghosting this is not your final destination. You have a purpose and there is so much more ahead of you. And maybe this was a bump in the road, and what human being doesn't face bumps in the road? Right? That's part of life. We all go through our different struggles. Life is hard, and so are relationships, especially romantic relationships. So remind yourself that maybe this didn't work out and this ending was very painful and there wasn't any closure, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a purpose. This isn't where your life is. Purpose is going to end. You have so much more ahead of you. So keep striving, keep growing, keep working on yourself that better things are ahead.

Gretta:

Yeah, do things that give you meaning, that feed your soul, and whether that's painting or singing or teaching a child how to read, it's important that you express yourself and share your unique gifts with the world. That's exactly right. Moving on to number seven, your feelings are valid.

Mayra R., LMFT:

This is so important to validate ourselves. Like we've mentioned before, there's going to be a lot of feelings that come up. Maybe one day you feel content, but maybe there's another day where you might feel anger or frustration or sadness or confusion, and I want you to know that all of that is normal and it's valid. It's part of the healing process and it's okay to give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up for you, because in order for us to heal, we must allow ourselves to feel. And so, even if sometimes those feelings can be polar opposite almost right you might ask yourself well, why do I feel happy one day, but then the next I feel anger and sadness and loneliness? Please know that both of those feelings can coexist right the power of, and I can experience calmness, I can experience contentment and I can also feel sad, I can also feel frustrated, I can also feel angry. So just reminding yourself that whatever comes up for you is valid and it's okay to feel it.

Gretta:

That's such great advice and it's. You know, it's so normal to be upset after we didn't hear a good bye from somebody that we really cared about. I just remember one day I was so confused, I felt sad, but I couldn't put my finger on why, and I just was uncontrollably crying, crying, and so I just got my journal and I started writing and I just put everything on the page and that really helped me move through those feelings and understand myself a little better. And I'm relating to what you said about the, and I had multiple events going on that were triggering all types of things within my mind, and so I had tons of different thoughts at once, but that really helped me release them.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Right, I'm glad that you bring that up, because that's such a great way to process feelings is journaling. Sometimes we might not feel comfortable saying it out loud or sharing it with someone, but journaling can be a great way for us to process our feelings. So thank you so much for sharing that.

Gretta:

Yeah, so number eight is this too, shall pass.

Mayra R., LMFT:

I know that in this moment it might be difficult to believe this, because in the moment, maybe you find yourself in a moment of deep pain, of deep heartache, of sadness and loneliness, and maybe you're in a place where it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's completely normal that you might feel that way and again right. That's why these are the reminders we have to tell ourselves that this will pass. This heartache, this heaviness, this sadness that you feel right now is not going to be here with you forever. You will heal and this will pass. And in the meantime, it's okay to allow yourself, like I mentioned, the permission to feel whatever comes up, but also remind yourself in the process that you're not going to stay here, you're not going to stay stuck here forever, that this will pass and there will be a brighter days ahead.

Gretta:

Yeah, it takes time. I mean, gosh, it took me it felt like forever to get over one of the initial ghostings that happened to me, but it also took work. So doing a lot of self-improvement type work to change my mindset, to really just start viewing this as this is a person who didn't have the communication skills to be in a mature relationship with me and, honestly, that's not what I'm looking for in my life. I want to surround myself with people who can communicate really well, and so now I'm really intentional about who I have in my network and I make sure that they do have that level of maturity and communication skills. So it takes time, it takes work, but it will pass.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Yes, and I love how you made that point. It takes time and work, because sometimes there's this misconception, right, that time heals, but it's not really time that heals. It's what we do with that time, that's what gives it meaning, that's what makes the difference right. So I really, really like that you brought that up, that it's time, but also what we do in that time. That will bring us healing and relief. Thank you.

Gretta:

Yeah, nine, and you kind of hinted at this one. There are brighter days ahead.

Mayra R., LMFT:

I'm so glad we ended on this one, because that is our hope that there are brighter days ahead. And it's okay. Okay if right now it doesn't feel that way. It's okay if right now, maybe all you see is the heartache and the brokenness and the pain, but remind yourself in that pain that there will be brighter days ahead. That, like I mentioned before, just because this situation happened to you does not mean that you won't get to experience a healthy love in the future, right? So, in this process, remind yourself this isn't your final destination. This brokenness and heartache that you feel right now will pass and when you get to those brighter days, you'll look back and you'll feel so proud of yourself for having gone through that process of working in yourself and doing the work that it takes to heal.

Gretta:

Wow, Thank you for all of those. And I wonder is there anything else you want to let listeners know about ghosting in general?

Mayra R., LMFT:

Yeah, I think the most important takeaway is to remind yourselves that it's not a direct reflection of you. People ghost for many different reasons. Sometimes it can be because they're uncomfortable with conflict or they fear confrontation, they're avoidant, they're riddled with shame in their life, they like to play games. There could be so many different reasons why people ghost and it has nothing to do with you. So if there's something that I really want our listeners to remind themselves in the process, is that just because this person ghosted you and did not give you closure does not mean that there was something wrong with you.

Mayra R., LMFT:

You are worthy, you deserve love and you deserve to experience a healthy relationship, and there's no need to feel shame about it. You know, like I mentioned, relationships are hard, and especially romantic ones. So just remind yourself it's not your fault, it's not a reflection of you. It's where they're at in life and that's something that we cannot control, and so the only thing we can control is taking care of ourselves and making sure that we're okay and that we heal, so that we can move forward and continue with our life and our purpose.

Gretta:

You are a wealth of knowledge. I know that your messages of healing are going to help so many people. And again, can you just remind the listeners how to how to connect with?

Mayra R., LMFT:

you. My name is Mayra. I'm a psychotherapist and you can find me on Instagram or TikTok and my handle name is at the Los Angeles therapist. I post mental health information, tools and resources.

Gretta:

Great. Thank you so much for sharing all of this important information.

Mayra R., LMFT:

Of course you're welcome and thank you so much for having me. It was an honor and a pleasure.

Gretta:

And listeners, remember, when you are ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and those who truly appreciate you. You deserve the best, Thank you.