Coping With Ghosting

What To Do If You're Being Breadcrumbed, with Vasavi Kumar

• Gretta

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Have you ever felt strung along in a relationship without any clear commitment? Today, we uncover the truth behind breadcrumbing with the insightful Vasavi Kumar, therapist, coach, and author of "Say it Out Loud." Host Gretta and Vasavi break down this topic and help you:
- Recognize the signs of being breadcrumbed
- Learn what to say to somebody who's stringing you along
- Find ways to maintain self-respect while being breadcrumbed
- Discover strategies to manage anxiety
- Define needs and boundaries in relationships
This episode outlines how to move forward confidently, whether you're navigating a confusing romantic dynamic or seeking to understand past experiences.

Connect with Vasavi:
Vasavi's Website
Instagram

Connect With Gretta:
Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

BetterHelp:
Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsored

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and this show's all about breadcrumbing in dating. Today's guest is Vasavi Kumar. Therapist and coach, electric emcee, vibrant speaker and voiceover actor, V vasavi is the author of the life-changing book Say it Out Loud using the power of your voice to listen to your deepest thoughts and courageously pursue your dreams. She's also the host of the podcast Say it Out Loud with Vasavi Kumar. Welcome to the show.

Gretta:

Welcome, Gretta. Thank you for having me.

Gretta:

I'm thrilled, I'm really thrilled. Before we dive into all the things I want to discuss today, I just want to define the word breadcrumbing and kind of share a little bit about what it is, because I don't know if everybody knows what this is and I don't want to assume.

Gretta:

Okay.

Gretta:

So breadcrumbing typically refers to romantic relationships and dating, but it can happen in friendships, it can happen in family, business relationships, and I'll read a quote from Psychology Today Breadcrumbing is a term for stringing someone along with small nuggets of communication, but never fully committing to a relationship. Today, those crumbs of communication tend to occur online. The person may respond to an Instagram story, like a Facebook photo, or text a funny meme. They may text back and forth PR periodically, but never seem to agree to plans in person. This connection stalls, unable to evolve into a fulfilling relationship. End quote.

Gretta:

So this is clearly really confusing, extremely frustrating for anyone who's going through this. So, because people have hope that they're in a relationship and that it's gonna go somewhere, that they're in a relationship and that it's going to go somewhere, but they're unclear because they're not exactly sure what's happening. And breadcrumbing can lead to ghosting, because somebody just trails off slowly until one day they just stop responding and they cut off all communication. And I have been there. It is painful, yeah. So, basavi, I've read your book, I love it, and I want to tell you thank you because it really helped inspire me to say something out loud that I never really wanted to ever admit on this podcast. I have to admit that I did ghost a former friend and listeners. You can hear about that on my episode called Navigating Ghosting and Trauma Insights on Healing with Dr. Frank Anderson and I'll link that in the show notes. It was really hard for me to share that, but it did. It was a relief.

Vasavi Kumar:

And it's a release. Also, it's a relief and it's a release. You're allowing yourself to release something that you've held on to for so long and haven't said out loud for fear of shame, guilt. Well, you know, you know what will other people think. So I'm really proud of you for doing that, thank you, and for saying that. I'm proud of you for saying it, you know, because I know the impact that it has when we actually say the thing that we've been swallowing for so long.

Gretta:

Exactly, yeah, and I mean I I've heard so many people just say oh, I just can't stand ghosts. I don't like people who go say just don't care. Well, I can tell listeners that I really did care and that in that episode that I did with Dr Frank, we do discuss how to see the humanity in the person who ghosted you.

Vasavi Kumar:

So yeah, that's beautiful. Because even that person who goes, they're going. I mean, it may not be the best way to handle things, but it's what they know, it is what they are capable of in that moment. So they too are going through and dealing with their own devils, you know? Yeah, exactly.

Gretta:

Yeah. So can you briefly share what saying it out loud means and why it has the power to change lives and romantic relationships?

Vasavi Kumar:

When I say say it out loud.

Vasavi Kumar:

And romantic relationships.

Vasavi Kumar:

When I say say it out loud, it's not about saying everything out loud, it's about saying the most intentional thing that you can say regarding that situation, and I think it has such an impact on relationships, but specifically romantic relationships, because think about how much we harbor in our relationships that we're not saying it out loud, that we're not saying it out loud and that resentment builds and it builds and it builds. And if you look at so many divorces and separations and people breaking up with one another, you can often find that there's just a lot of built up resentment. There's just a lot of things that people aren't having haven't said to one another. So saying it out loud is really about being the most authentic, honest and intentional version of yourself and the things that you want to say, not in a way to hurt somebody else, but in a way to free yourself, honor your dignity, but also honor the dignity of the other person, and I think it allows us to really create a space for more honest dialogue. And who doesn't want that in their romantic relationships?

Gretta:

Yeah, that's brilliant and I agree completely. Yeah, and I want to take your Say it Out Loud philosophy and strategies to help people navigate being breadcrumbed in dating, no matter what type of dating relationship it is really. I mean, whatever gender the listeners are. I just want this to be applicable to all dating relationships. So let's start with the chase. So in the past, I chased emotionally unavailable people who were distant, inconsistent and breadcrumbing me and yeah, right it's so relatable.

Gretta:

I think a lot of people who are listening are going to be like yep, me too, these breadcrumber people. They're hard to get. It made me want them more. And I've seen a lot of dating coaches say like, match the energy of the person who's breadcrumbing you, or just retreat and step away from the breadcrumber. So I'm just curious to hear what your advice is for anyone who's being breadcrumbed, right?

Vasavi Kumar:

now. I actually love that advice. I think that if you are in a situation where you're being breadcrumbed and you're doing more and doing more and doing more, you are expending more energy and you've now entered into a very one-sided relationship with the breadcrumber, and that's usually how it turns out. So I love that advice and I think if you are being met with inconsistent, distant, sporadic communication, that is not a green light for you to do more and to say more and to chase and to run after that person. It is really. It's a red flag and it's also an opportunity for you to just be like hold on, I'm not being met in the same way that I am meeting this person. I need to now conserve my energy so I am not going to keep putting myself in this situation where I keep giving and giving and giving, speaking and speaking and speaking and I'm not getting that back. So I love that advice that I would say definitely match the energy of that person and slowly fade away, because what you're going to find is usually with the breadcrumber, and this is not in all situations.

Vasavi Kumar:

The minute you start to do that, they start to come back around. But you don't want someone that's just going to come back around the minute you back up. You want someone who's consistently there and who is stable, not someone who's like, oh, she's running, or he or she or they are, you know, are moving away from me, now I want to go chase after them. This is not a game. You know are moving away from me, now I want to go chase after them. This is not a game. We are not on the playground right. This is not. This is not fun and games here. This is people. These are people's lives, these are people's hearts that we're talking about here. So I think, if you really want to preserve your sanity, you would go ahead and match the energy of the person who is breadcrumbing you.

Gretta:

Those are powerful words. It's not a game. That's exactly what I was thinking too. And, you know, in a situation where somebody is like, well, but I really like them, and I just I want to try, and I want to send this amazing text to them to get them back, like I would ask that person. You know why. Why are you accepting crumbs when you deserve the whole loaf of bread?

Vasavi Kumar:

And I would want to ask are you getting that in return? Are you sending these long poetic texts, chapters of how you feel? And you're constantly thinking about this person and sending them stuff so that you can get attention from them, and they're just not giving you the attention. You should know when to walk away, and for me, I really had to garner some self-respect. I did not respect myself enough in those relationships and in those situationships that I was in where I would be chasing after somebody who was noncommittal, distant and breadcrumbing me. I had to really look at myself in the mirror and ask myself do I respect my own behavior? And I didn't. I didn't like who I was, and if you don't like who you're becoming, that is a clear sign for you to step away.

Gretta:

Yeah, exactly Like. Are you truly going to be happy if you actually do date this person and they give you very minimal attention? Yeah, like that's not sustainable. Great question, yeah, so how can somebody use their voice when they're being breadcrumbed?

Vasavi Kumar:

Well, you don't necessarily have to say something to that person unless you want to, right, it's going to just trigger you more. If you respond and you don't get a response back, it's not going to make you feel good about yourself, right? So what I would say is use your voice, talk to your friends, talk to your therapist, talk to somebody who is, who has your back, but, most importantly, have a real honest conversation with yourself and really start to ask yourself is this a type of interaction that I want to have? Why am I putting up with this? Like, start to ask yourself those hard questions because, although those questions are hard and no one really wants to get down to the truth of it, because something may need to change, you may need to be the one to change, to walk away, to put down this need to constantly get this attention from this person and chasing after this person. We can use our voice to bring us back home to ourselves.

Gretta:

We can bring our voice to knock some sense into ourselves by asking yeah, yeah, I hear you, and and so what if somebody is getting all these breadcrumb texts and they need to, they want to use their voice and say something to the breadcrumber, like you know, something along the lines of we have different communication styles and this isn't working for me, you know. I wish you the best. Is that? Is that enough for a breadcrumber?

Vasavi Kumar:

I think that's more than enough, because that's probably what you're probably going to get in return is an okay. Or they may be scared that you're like leaving and then they're going to come chasing after you, and you don't want someone like that either. You don't want someone who only wants you when they're fearful of losing you. So I love what you just said. You can easily say something like hey, I appreciate what we've gone through so far, but the way that we're communicating isn't working for me anymore. I wish you all the best. I think we have very different communication styles and, listen, you can be with someone who has a different communication style, but they need to be willing to meet you in the middle. It can't be you doing everything, yeah. So I love that short, sweet text that you can just send somebody and don't be surprised if you don't get anything back. You may just get a little thumbs up on that. You may, or you may or you may have them now, all of a sudden, be wildly interested in you. Well, like I said, you don't necessarily want to be with someone who wants you only when you don't want them. That, once again, this is not a game. It's not I and I understand, with masculine and feminine, there is a dance, there's polarity. We want to have that polarity in relationships.

Vasavi Kumar:

But this just feels very toxic. It feels like somebody who, like you, know when kids get bored of toys, kids will play with the toy. Then they get bored of that toy. That's what it feels like it's like, or they'll want that toy back if they see somebody else playing with that toy. It's like I don't want to have this toy, but I don't want anyone else to have it either. Right, you don't want to be treated like some toy. So this is really where that self-respect piece comes in, and this is where you can really send a very short, succinct message as to why this is not working for you anymore. You don't even have to give a reason why you can clearly say this is not working for me anymore and I wish you all the best. Things don't need to end in a very tragic, dramatic way. You get to be mature in the relationship and say exactly how you feel, and you get to keep it moving.

Gretta:

I love that. Yeah, I've definitely been in a situation where I felt like I was picked up like a toy, used and then put down like a discarded toy, and it kind of just reminds me of one of the episodes I recorded about narcissism on this podcast. We talked about that specifically.

Vasavi Kumar:

Yeah, that's something very common with narcissists. They will just use you and discard you and you will feel it is the worst feeling in the world. You feel like, honestly I'm just going to say this you feel like a piece of trash. You feel like you're trash that's just been put out on the curb, and I know that feeling all too well in my two relationships ago. I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I didn't even know what narcissism was. I didn't even realize that's what was happening. I didn't know what gaslighting was. I had to learn it the hard way by actually having it be done to me so I can spot that a mile away. I'm sorry that you went through that. Oh, it's okay. I'm better on the other side because of it, because I think there are so many lessons that can be learned when we're in relationships like that, and the number one lesson that I learned was that I had to love myself more and I had to have more respect for myself and not to chase after people.

Vasavi Kumar:

Number one not to chase after people, exactly all right, so let's find my next question.

Gretta:

Okay, so I'm totally guilty of this. In the past, when I was breadcrumbed, I would have this fantasy that this person's going to change. So how can people begin to accept the reality of what's happening and basically stop the fantasy that they can change somebody and make them a consistent and available partner?

Vasavi Kumar:

So this is something that I really relate to. Fantasy thinking is something that I've definitely been caught up in, hoping that the person will change, wishing that they would change. And it came with time and experience, Gretta, because back in the day everyone would tell me you can't change him. You can't change him, but I was so sure I could change him. I was positive. I'm a licensed therapist. You don't understand. I'm really good at what I do. I'm really good at helping people. I can help him change. But I realized for me I didn't want to play that role anymore. So it takes time and it takes experience. And it just takes you getting sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And that's what happened. It came with time with me. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of constantly giving myself to this person that was not meeting me halfway or at all. For that, you know, I was just getting breadcrumbs Right, yeah, yeah.

Gretta:

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Being ghosted can be heartbreaking. It can bring up intense feelings and open past emotional wounds. And what can really help is talking about these issues with a therapist, because, regardless of whether you have a clinical mental health issue like depression or anxiety, or if you're just a human who lives in this world and is going through a hard time, therapy can give you the tools to approach your life in a very different way. After being ghosted, therapy helped me handle challenging emotions and cultivate self-compassion. It was a game changer, and that's why I'm happy to tell you about today's sponsor, betterhelp.

Gretta:

Betterhelp connects you with a licensed therapist trained to listen and provide helpful, unbiased advice. You can visit their site using my link, betterhelpcom slash copingwithghosting, and all you need to do is answer a few questions and BetterHelp will match you to a professional who has years of experience helping people with struggles similar to yours. You can do this all from your phone or computer, via phone call, video chat or messaging whatever's most comfortable for you. So visit betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting, or choose coping with ghosting during signup and enjoy a special discount on your first month. The direct link is also in my show notes. What's your favorite way to drop into your body, honor the feelings and calm your nervous system, especially for like. This is really just a question that's geared towards somebody who's feeling extraordinarily anxious because they feel that this person that they care about, that they're potentially dating or in a situation with, or whatever the relationship is, they're pulling away. So what can we say to ourselves? How can we round down, how can we navigate this intense anxiety that comes with being breadcrumbed?

Vasavi Kumar:

I mean, the anxiety is so intense it is and you can, and it takes over. It takes over completely. You can't think, you can't eat, you can't sleep. My favorite way to get back into my nervous system is twofold I talk to myself out loud and I will tell myself things such as Vasavi, you are safe, you are okay, I love you, I see you, I'm here for you. What do you need from me? What? What do you need from me, like, what can I give? And this is really the process of me coming coming back home to myself and me giving myself, my inner child, myself at at at whatever age you're at, you know and tending to yourself.

Vasavi Kumar:

The other thing that I love doing and I'm giving very simple suggestions, and that's what works for me is being out in nature. So if I just step outside of my house and just go for a few walks around the block, I'm fine. And when I talk to myself, listen to some music and just go for a walk, I get myself moving, so that anxious energy doesn't just stay all up in my head. I actually just allow it to move through my body as I'm taking a walk. And the other thing that I do is I have community in my life. I have friends that I'm very close to. I have trusted a very few trusted people in my life that I go to when things hit the fan and when it when it feels like I absolutely have no control over my nervous system. I'm not emotionally regulated. I have friends that I can turn to.

Vasavi Kumar:

But let's just say everyone's busy, right, because everyone has their own thing. And let's say you're having a really anxious moment, you can talk to yourself, you can go out for a walk, you can pet your dog or your cat If you have one, I have a golden retriever, so she's wonderful for me. You know you can talk to a friend. Distract yourself, distract yourself and just try to immerse yourself in something else. For me, creative projects have always helped me putting immersing myself into my work, which I love. I love what I do for a living, so it doesn't ever feel like work for me. But finding something outside of this person, like not making this person the center of my world, de-centering this person is what I like to say. You got to put yourself in the center of your world, yeah.

Gretta:

So good, so so good. De-centering this person, making yourself the center of your world.

Vasavi Kumar:

Yeah, in fact, there's always something we can learn from the narcissist. You know what I mean. They're so good at making themselves the number one priority in their life, like they are the only ones that matter. Maybe you could learn something from them. Maybe you should try start doing that. You'll never end up being like the narcissist. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you don't have to turn out to be like them. But I remember with my last, last ex, the two exes ago, I learned something from him. I learned how little I loved myself, how little I respected myself, and I also learned that it was time for me to put myself. First and foremost, he taught me a lot. The way he treated me, although it was brutal and heartbreaking cheated on me, betrayed, lied, gaslit me I mean all those things he taught me a lot about myself. That relationship broke me, but it also showed me and gave me this and taught me how to build myself back up.

Gretta:

So it's a double edged sword it is. I feel the same way about being ghosted on repeat and relationships and just you know I have to come back to me. They helped me, come back to me, so I'm relating to your powerful words Awesome, yeah. So breadcrumbers they're obviously not available for like a whole hearted, full effort, all in relationship at this time, and the way that breadcrumbers treat people is about really where they're at, what they're available for. Do you have any suggestions for how people can stop taking breadcrumbing personally and not make it about them or their worth?

Vasavi Kumar:

It's hard. I don't want to even say like it's easy to do that it's so hard to take it personally. But once again, when you decenter that person and just look at them and take them off the pedestal, that's my number one suggestion Take that person off the pedestal. That's my number one suggestion. Take that person off the pedestal. For some reason, you are making this person somehow be the end all be all to your existence and we need to stop idolizing people, stop putting people on a pedestal and just look at them for who they really are, look at their behavior. It's hard to separate the behavior from the person sometimes, but you got to do that in this case because your heartstrings will pull at you. So I would say, you know, try. That's why I said this is hard, but you got to try to objectively look at this person and their behavior and ask yourself what kind of person does this? What type of person? Breadcrumbs? What type of does this? What type of person breadcrumbs? What type of person ghosts? What type of person leaves someone just hanging on red for days?

Vasavi Kumar:

Now here's the other thing, and I think it's hard sometimes, when you're on the other end of breadcrumbing, to admit this. It's not about you. You have no idea what's going on in the other person's mind, right? Unless you ask them. And unless they tell you, right, most likely they're not telling you because they're not communicating with you. But we can never assume we know what's going on.

Vasavi Kumar:

This could be a pattern of theirs. It probably is. This is a habit of theirs, probably is. This is what they do with people. You just happen to be caught in the crossfire and you get to decide if you want to keep putting up with that. You're not the first one and you're definitely not the last one, so try as hard as possible to not take it personally, because you really do never know. Just like in your other episode that you did about ghosters and trying to see the humanity in them, this person could have a very difficult time expressing themselves. Maybe they're shy, maybe they just feel overwhelmed. There are so many reasons other than you why this person could be breadcrumbing you. Yeah, yeah, that's what. That's what I would say to give myself some sense of peace and I just let it. It's easier for me to let it go when, when I, when I look at it that way and I just it's easier for me to let it go.

Gretta:

When I look at it that way, right, right, yeah. And in the past I would think like, oh my gosh, it must've been something I said, it must've been something I did. Maybe it was how I looked, maybe they I don't know like, maybe they're dating like three other people, like all this stuff. I would get so stuck in this story. But I love what you said, like, just don't make an assumption about like their story. Just just know that you're the most important thing. How do you want to be treated? Make this about you, take them off that pedestal. And another thing is that being ghosted, being breadcrumbed, it's. You are still whole and worthy and complete and important, whether you're with that breadcrumber, whether you're with that ghost or not, right, so your worth has nothing to do with this type of situation at all.

Vasavi Kumar:

I wish I would have heard those words years ago, Gretta. I mean, it's taken me I'm going to be 42 in a few days. I'm going to be 42 in a few days it's taken me, let's say, 40 years for me to realize that the way someone treats me has nothing to do with my inherent worth and value at all. The way that I choose to respond says a lot about how I value myself.

Gretta:

Yes, I'm like literally seeing the Instagram reel of that right now.

Vasavi Kumar:

It's so powerful, I just got chills Like so good, so good, yeah, okay.

Gretta:

So how can people who are being breadcrumbed choose themselves?

Vasavi Kumar:

start by waking up in the morning and asking yourself what am I doing for fun today? Right, I don't think you expected me to say that question.

Gretta:

I did not, but I love it.

Vasavi Kumar:

And I'll tell you why I asked this specific question. When you're being breadcrumbed or when you're being ghosted, it is not fun. It is like the opposite of fun, and you're probably not having fun. You're probably maybe not eating or maybe you're're overeating or you're indulging a little bit too. You're doing whatever so you can deal with the pain of being breadcrumbed or being ghosted. I know on the podcast you talk about ghosting a lot, but I know we're specifically talking about breadcrumbing but all of it. You know what I mean. You're probably not having fun. You're probably not out there socializing with your friends and if you are, you're talking about this guy or this girl who's breadcrumbing you.

Vasavi Kumar:

So you got to take back charge of your life and when you wake up in the morning, ask yourself what am I doing to shake things up today? What am I doing to have fun? What am I doing to get my spunk back, my spark back? You're waiting for this person who doesn't even know how to use technology, or they're choosing not to, or they're leaving you on read, or they're giving you bread crumbs and noncommittal uh, you know languaging that just it's not fun and I just I, when I look at people like that, I'm like you're not fun, I don't want to be around you anyway. Like it's so easy for me now, Gretta being on the other side of it If I ever come across someone who is bread crumbing me, and it's, it's very rare, it's extremely rare, cause the minute I notice it, I'm like I'm over it.

Vasavi Kumar:

I'm just like, ah, I'm not into it. You know what I mean, but the, the, the fun can just be sucked out of our lives when we're dealing with someone like this. So my number one suggestion as hard as it is and you might feel like you just got to act as if is to have more fun in your life. Go on and enjoy your life, because this person is certainly not texting you. They're not waiting around to find out where you are, who you are, what you're doing. They're living their life. So you got to go live yours and you might as well have a really great time. Yeah, yeah.

Vasavi Kumar:

I want to go do a bunch of fun things right now. Yes, me too. I have a whole list of things, absolutely.

Gretta:

Okay, just tell me what's on your list. Just a few things.

Vasavi Kumar:

So I definitely want to take pottery class again. I used to do pottery classes all the time. I want to do that for my birthday. There's a new Italian restaurant that I really want to try. I want to get dressed up and I want to go and take myself out to dinner. That's one thing that I want to do. Another thing that I want to do again is skydiving. I want to go, yeah. I think I'm ready to go skydiving again.

Vasavi Kumar:

Last time I went, I had a little bit of an awkward experience with the guy that I was flying off the plane with. He was a little weird. I need to get into that. That was okay. But I want to have another experience like that and I've been really loving working out of my house lately and this may feel like it's not fun, but it's a lot of fun for me, for me to get really dressed up and go find a like a swanky hotel lobby and cowork out of a hotel lobby.

Gretta:

That's so cool.

Vasavi Kumar:

I love people watching and I love watching people come in and out. Yeah, it's my jam.

Gretta:

Oh, I love hotels. That's so cool. I love these answers. That makes me so happy. Okay, well, in your book you have a lot of exercises, and one is to acknowledge what you don't want and what you do want in life. Could you walk listeners through an exercise like this for romantic relationships, so that they can identify what they're truly searching for?

Vasavi Kumar:

Yeah, it's a really simple exercise, so you would write on your list I don't want to be ghosted, I don't want to be breadcrumbed, I don't want to be left on read yeah, right, for days. Let's just say right, I think I think we can all agree that that's yeah, some version of it. So then, what do you want? Right? I want someone who is consistent. I want someone who communicates clearly. I want someone that lets me know where I stand with them, not wondering and waiting.

Vasavi Kumar:

You know when you're, when you're in a relationship or a situationship with someone who breadcrumbs you, you never know where you're where you stand with them, breadcrumbs you. You never know where you're where you stand with them. You don't know what your role is. You're like wait, are we doing this? Are we not doing this? So get really clear on what you don't want and then just do the opposite of that. That's what you do want. Oh, I don't want someone who breadcrumbs me. Oh, so what do I want?

Vasavi Kumar:

I want someone who consistently communicates. What does consistently communicate looks like? I want them to communicate with me every day. Great, and don't negate yourself and don't invalidate yourself and don't gaslight yourself for wanting the things that you want. That's huge, because so often we're very clear on what we don't want and then, when we get to what we do want, we start to question ourselves and we'll be like, oh, that's too much, I'm asking for too much. No, you're not, you're just asking the wrong person. So that is a very simple exercise that you can do. In my book, the don't want want list, yeah.

Gretta:

And then also when somebody begins dating again or maybe their breadcrumber comes back and it's like okay, it looks like this breadcrumber is really going to really truly date me now. How can they uphold kind of those boundaries?

Vasavi Kumar:

Keep those boundaries you have. If you've had certain boundaries, and keep them, don't get all mushy in the knees and in the heart because they've decided to come back and have all your boundaries go out the window. What's going to make you more attractive is by having those boundaries. It makes you more attractive when you have those boundaries and if someone, if the breadcrumber, doesn't like your boundaries, they're not the right person for you. Exactly, they're not the right person for you. If you withholding or, sorry, if you upholding your boundaries for yourself is best for your mental health. Whatever your boundaries are, I don't even need to know what they are, but I trust that if you have certain boundaries, that is what's best for you. And if I have a problem with that, that's on me, right? That's like me, not me not wanting you to have boundaries. Why? So I can take advantage of you, so I can control you, so I can manipulate you. You don't want someone like that in your life, right? No, Right.

Gretta:

So stick to what you wrote down in that exercise. So do the extra. Any listener who is, you know, I know a lot of people are listening to this when they're driving or maybe they're going to sleep at night. I really think this exercise is so valuable to write it down, to say out loud what you want, right, and then to make sure that if you do start dating again, or if you continue to date this breadcrumber, that you look at what you wrote down and you note that, okay, this is what I wrote. They're unable to meet me at what I need, what I want in a relationship, what I value. It looks like our communication styles are not aligned. Maybe it's values, maybe it's other things, and then that's where you need to really reconsider if you want to truly stay and I love that you said something along the lines of don't be weak in the knees, honor what you want and stick firm to those desires.

Vasavi Kumar:

Listen, I want to say it's like you're human. If you get weak in the knees right, If you have fallen for someone and you and you, you get weak. When you think about them, you get all emotional. It's hard to uphold those boundaries, but this is where the work comes in. No one said it was going to be easy. It's very simple actually, but it's not easy to do this because our emotions get in the way.

Gretta:

Yeah, but this is why it's so important to say it out loud.

Vasavi Kumar:

It's why it's so important to write it down to have community outside of this person Like this person should not be your support group.

Gretta:

Oh yeah, oh yeah I say that about ghosts all the time the person I think they're I can't remember who said this exactly, but the person who ghosted you is not going to be the person that they're not your healer.

Vasavi Kumar:

No, no. The person who broke you is not going to be the person who's going to heal you. You let that person yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Gretta:

So what are some affirmations that people can say out loud when they've been breadcrumbed?

Vasavi Kumar:

This is a good one. I like this question. I am worth the effort, I am worth the effort, I am worth the consistency. I am worth the commitment. I value consistency, I value commitment.

Vasavi Kumar:

Get really clear on your values. You got to remind yourself that you are worth that consistency and you are worth that commitment. You deserve that. You do deserve that. But if you don't believe that yourself, no one's going to give that to you and you're definitely going to keep going back to emotionally unavailable people If you yourself do not believe that, if you do not fundamentally believe that about yourself. Listen, I know we have our days. We have our days where we question our worth. We have our days where we question our value. The goal is to never question that ever again. That for me at least, like I don't ever want to question my worth and value ever again. I did that for pretty much the majority of my thirties. I'm not about doing that anymore. But I would definitely say get very clear on your worth and your value and say that to yourself so you can remind yourself. It's every like, it's everything that everyone else is probably telling you, but you need to say it to yourself.

Gretta:

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is there anything else you'd like to share about being breadcrumbed or being ghosted, any final thoughts or a personal story?

Vasavi Kumar:

Well, the personal story that I would like to share is you know, I remember when I first got into this relationship that I've been talking about on this podcast, this was maybe eight years ago, nine years ago, eight years ago and the first time I got ghosted by this person. I had, in my life, never experienced ghosting in my life. I didn't know what that was and I will never forget how it made me feel. I could not go to sleep, I could not eat. This person was all I was thinking about. I would keep messaging him, I would call his house, like I was doing all sorts of things, and when I think about that version of myself, I feel so bad for her. I feel I have so much empathy for her and so much compassion for her. Like girl, you didn't realize that this person was ghosting you and after they came back around, you took him back. I took him back because he gave me a really good sob story. Yeah, and I've done that. Yeah, and I fell for it.

Vasavi Kumar:

So I think what I really want your listeners to hear and to remember is to forgive themselves. Forgive you for not knowing better, forgive you for being such a good person that you don't even know what ghosting is, because you would never do that to somebody else. Just remember that, like, remember who you are, remember where you've come from, remember what you've been through and just know your heart. Know your heart so well, like the way you're able to, like, see the, the goodness and other people see that goodness in yourself and protect that vehemently. Do not let anyone mess with your heart ever. That doesn't mean to close yourself down. I don't want you to walk around with a closed off heart, but have some boundaries and have some self respect. And that's what I wish I would have told myself and what I wish I would have known years ago. And I now know that now and I want to share that with your listeners.

Gretta:

Thank you so much for sharing that. You're welcome. How can listeners read your book and connect with you?

Vasavi Kumar:

You can find my book everywhere Amazon, Barnes, Noble. You can go to my website, vasavikumar. com. You can also find me on Instagram. My @myname is Vasavi. Feel free to leave me a voice note. Let me know that you love this episode with me and Gretta.

Gretta:

Yay, well, thank you. Thank you for coming on and sharing your insightful thoughts about this topic.

Vasavi Kumar:

Thank you so much for having me, Gretta. I appreciate you.

Gretta:

And listeners. I encourage you to follow Coping with Ghosting on social media. Join the free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group and please share this podcast with anyone you know who's been ghosted. I'd also be so grateful if you could leave a rating, a review, for the show, because your feedback helps spread a message of hope and finally, remember when you're ghosted. You have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best. You're just a ghost to me.