Coping With Ghosting

Radical Acceptance: The Top Strategy for Post-Ghost Peace

• Gretta

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Radical acceptance is one of the best mindset strategies for healing after being ghosted. On this episode of "Coping with Ghosting," we welcome back the brilliant Dr. Terri Bacow, an expert in cognitive behavioral therapy. Dr. Bacow breaks down the concept of radical acceptance, emphasizing that it's not about approving hurtful actions but about adopting a self-compassionate strategy to ease your suffering. Host Gretta and Dr. Bacow's discussion reveals how resisting reality can be draining and why radically accepting the unchangeable can liberate you from emotional turmoil.

Connect with Dr. Terri Bacow:
Dr. Bacow's Website
Instagram
Goodbye, Anxiety: A Guided Journal for Overcoming Worry

Connect With Gretta:
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com


Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and this show's all about radical acceptance and how it can help you heal after you've been ghosted. Joining us today is returning guest Dr. Terri Bacow, a widely known expert in cognitive behavioral therapy and evidence-based therapy approach. A Brown and Boston University graduate, she has authored several peer-reviewed papers based on her research and sees clients in her private practice in New York City. She's a media contributor and has been featured in Oprah and Vogue magazine, as well as various blogs and podcasts. Dr. Bacow supervises trainees in psychology and psychiatry at NYU and the Mount Sinai School of Medicine. She's also the author of Goodbye Anxiety, a guided journal for overcoming worry. Welcome back.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Thank you so much for having me back.

Gretta:

It's my absolute pleasure, so let's just dive right in to radical acceptance. Could you share what that is with listeners?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Absolutely so. Radical acceptance is a strategy designed to reduce the immense frustration and pain that comes from trying to change a situation or circumstance that can't be changed. It's really it's abstract, but I'm going to break it down. It's making an empowered choice to peacefully accept rather than fight against a painful situation. Radical acceptance about accepting that something sucks and there's not much you can do about it, and that's okay. The reason that this is a powerful strategy is that when we reject reality, it doesn't change reality. And further, it's absolutely exhausting to try to run against a circumstance that can't be changed. It's a waste of time. It also takes up so much emotional energy and when we really mire ourselves in, this is so unfair it can make us miserable.

Gretta:

Yeah, yeah, I've definitely been miserable because I couldn't accept radically accept the fact that I was ghosted. So how can radical acceptance help people who have been ghosted?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

So, as I mentioned before our podcast, I really think radical acceptance is the strategy for ghosting. It's what I would recommend number one, and the reason for that is that ghosting is the ultimate circumstance that is out of one's control. When we are ghosted, the power is removed from us and there is nothing that we can do about it. Radical acceptance is explicitly designed for circumstances outside of our control, and when we're ghosted, it's so baffling we spend all this time wondering why, why did this happen? What did I do? There's so much anger, which takes up so much energy. So, in contrast, if you radically accept this happened, it sucks, nothing I can do. I mean, it's sort of a really kind version of it is what it is. Then you feel liberated, you know you're liberated from the prison of suffering that comes from rejecting reality, and once you reduce the noise that comes from how much you hate a given circumstance, you can really better focus your energy on getting through it.

Gretta:

Yes, yes, that makes a lot of sense. What are some misconceptions about radical acceptance?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

So I can think of three. The first is acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance does not mean we like it, you don't have to like what is happening. I'm going to repeat that: Acceptance does not mean approval. I think that's a misconception. It's really important. Second, radical acceptance does not involve giving up. It doesn't mean you're rolling over, playing dead. It doesn't mean you're a doormat. It's not a passive strategy, it's an active one. It's making an empowered choice, a self-compassionate, empowered choice to relinquish your own suffering and to relinquish your own suffering. And that leads me to the third kind of misconception, which is that I think some people think that radical acceptance would benefit the person who ghosted you or the circumstance that you're fighting against, when in reality, radical acceptance is a gift that we give to ourselves. It benefits us far more than it benefits the ghost or whomever is involved in the interaction.

Gretta:

Radical acceptance is indeed a gift. I've used it for so many things in my life and it's just liberating.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

It is truly liberating and empowering.

Gretta:

Yeah, so are there situations that radical acceptance don't apply to?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Surely. So radical acceptance is not a good strategy for a circumstance that is within your control, a circumstance that can be changed. If something can be changed, then we should use a different approach. We should use problem solving, we should think in a solution-focused, proactive way. So, for example, if you get a bad grade on your test, that's something that is kind of within your control. You can study harder next time. You can speak to the professor, you can do extra credit. If maybe a friend has murdered you, you can apologize. You can speak to the professor. You can do extra credit. If maybe a friend has murdered you, you can apologize. You can reach out to the friend and try to repair the situation. So I think it's important to kind of decide which strategy to think about. Is this circumstance within my control? Is this something that can be changed?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

and if it can be changed, try to change it.

Gretta:

yes, and two situations are coming to mind um, like abuse, if somebody is in an abusive relationship, um, radical acceptance is unhelpful, yes, yeah. And um one I'm very familiar with burnout. Burnout is another thing where, okay, I see the steps to getting out of this.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Correct. Those are great examples. Burnout in particular, I think people feel powerless, they feel helpless. Als o, i n the case of relationships, they feel the sense of loss of control when in fact the situation is controllable. It's just difficult. You know you need support. You need maybe professional help, a friendship or someone to help you. But there are steps to be taken to improve.

Gretta:

So let's talk about action. How can someone who's been ghosted put radical acceptance into practice?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

A person can put radical acceptance into practice by choosing to stop obsessing and ruminating and dwelling on the ghosting situation. You know, when we get ghosted we really go down the path of a rabbit hole of obsession. You know why did this happen, what did I do, what could I have done differently, when in fact there's nothing that we could have done differently and the ghosting is not our fault. So the way to apply radical acceptance is to decide you know, this happened, this ghosting, and I don't like it and I'm not going to waste my brain cells figuring out why it happened. So that's how we achieve liberation. We stop thinking about what we could have done differently. We stop, we relinquish anger when we use radical acceptance. We could say I am going to that let go by acceptiong that life is unfair and people do unkind things for no good reason.

Gretta:

Yes, yeah, it's painful, but it's true. And do you have any radical acceptance phrases or coping statements that could help with this?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Yes, I have five in particular that I really like that I'm going to share with you. The first one is the situation massively sucks, but focusing on how much I hate it is going to make me feel miserable. The second is rejecting reality does not change reality. The third is acceptance does not mean approval, yes. The next one is accepting being ghosted will free up my mental space for effective coping, okay. And the last one is radical acceptance is how I take my power back.

Gretta:

Perfect and I think these are excellent because people, when they're starting to feel that they are going down this rabbit hole, that their thoughts are spiraling, that they're ruminating and they're beginning to feel almost out of control, these statements which I encourage listeners to rewind, write them down and put them in the notes app of your phone, because these are statements that you can go back to and read when you have these spiraling thoughts.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Absolutely, and coping statements. I'm so glad you brought that up because that is a great way of managing anxiety. Having kind of a mantra or affirmation is soothing statement. It doesn't have to be overly positive, it has to be balanced and accurate and it can make us feel so much better.

Gretta:

It's so true.

Gretta:

And I have two of my own that I'd like to share as well. I cannot change the fact that I was ghosted, but I can choose how I'll respond, and I don't know why I was ghosted and I radically accept this. I will focus on what I know and what I can control.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Those are fantastic. They're so effective for so many reasons. In particular, I'd like to highlight the use of the word "and" that's really powerful. Sometimes we use but, of course. But is inevitable. We're going to use it in language when it comes to radical acceptance, and it's about our choice. It kind of showed that two things could be true at the same time. They might seem to contradict each other, yet they could coexist.

Gretta:

Exactly, yeah. One thing that we have in common is that we were both ghosted in high school by really good friends. If you could go back to high school and talk to yourself with your high school self what, what would you say about being ghosted?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Oh, my God, I wish I could. So first I would like to put out there I so wish that I could. So I think I would remind myself. I would say to myself that the situation is temporary; it won't last forever, that I don't deserve it. That the people who are winners in life are the ones who are going to treat me well, that I will have many, many friends in the future who will be kind and who will not ghost me. That there's hope that I will recover and not feel this way for the rest of my life.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

That these things happen. Things happen to everyone. It's really almost ugly, unavoidable, especially for women and girls. Right of passage, it happens to everyone. And then I would put my psychologist hat on and I would tell myself the reason that ghosting happens is because people are poor communicators with poor social skills, who have their own baggage and issues who often project onto us, usually that either have some narcissism or some deep insecurity. Ghosting is not about us. It is not our fault. I would say to myself this is not your fault. This is so much more about the other person than about you.

Gretta:

I got goosebumps, I got chills. That was really touching and powerful and I wish I could go back to my high school self and hear those words. You know, I mean I can't change the past and I'm so glad we know what we know so we can pass this information on. Hopefully there's people in high school who are listening and feel soothed from what we would say to our high school selves

Dr. Terri Bacow:

yes and this happens across the age spectrum.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

I'm sure

Gretta:

I know

Dr. Terri Bacow:

we speak to people who report that. You know elementary school, college, yeah, middle age, it happened across the spectrum. I just think in high school we're really vulnerable, you know, we don't know what we know now and that's why it's such a vulnerable moment.

Gretta:

Yes, yeah, I have people in my private Facebook group and people that I coach about being ghosted who are 70 plus, so it's really it's all ages. You're right. What resources can people turn to for more information about radical acceptance?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Yeah, so radical acceptance comes from a therapy approach that psychologists call dialectical behavior therapy or DBT. Dbt is great. It's a package of skills, a package of tools, a different module. Radical acceptance comes from the distress tolerance module, dbt, and DBT was founded by a psychologist called Marsha Linehan. She had a great TED Talk, so I always recommend Marsha Linehan's. She has a great TED Talk, so I always recommend Marsha Linehan's TED Talk. It's 10 minutes. You can get a lot out of it.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

If you're a reader, I recommend the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. If you are a reader, but maybe you have less of a attention span or time, I actually recommend my book. So I wrote this book called Goodbye Anxiety, A Guided Journal for Overcoming Worry that is written with young folks in mind. Now anyone can read it, really young adults and teenagers, and I have a page or two just devoted to this topic, as well as adjacent topics like self-esteem, comparison, perfectionism. So a lot of social matters come up in this book which are challenging for young folks. So I do recommend my book. But then, while I don't ever want to take away from your podcast which is amazing If you are a podcast listener there's a DBT-focused podcast called House on Fire and they have one or more episodes devoted entirely to radical acceptance.

Gretta:

Amazing. I'm going to check out those resources, and your book is excellent. Everybody should go get it. So we'll have a link directly to that, for sure. Thank you, I appreciate that. Do you have any final words about ghosting or being ghosted that you'd like to share?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Yes, so ghosting is an unbelievably painful experience. I would not wish it on anyone. It's also again, particularly if you're female this is my belief unavoidable. It's going to happen to you because it happens to everyone, and it has the most toxic combination in the sense of being both abrupt and traumatic.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

If you could think of something that's abrupt, where you're blindsided, you don't see it coming and deeply upsetting, there's that trauma piece. So I think that it's important to be kind to yourself, to not downplay it, to seek support, to seek either therapy or to talk to your friends about it, but to not feel shame. I think shame is so toxic, it's so unnecessary, since ghosting is entirely unrelated to us and anything we have done is so much more about the other person and their shortcomings. And in fact, I would say ghosting is, in psychology terms, the ultimate form of avoidance and it's an advanced cowardice, to be honest. To be honest and the fact that when we're anxious, we avoid. So what ghosting is is the other person avoiding having a tough conversation. They can't handle it, so they avoid, and that is understandable, but it's cowardly and we don't deserve that.

Gretta:

Yes, thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this. How can listeners connect with you?

Dr. Terri Bacow:

So listeners could, if they enjoy social media, find me on instagram at @drterribacow, so that's drterribacow with a D-R, and my website, similarly, is drterribacow. com. And then, if you would like to buy my book, you can find it on Amazon. You can find it Walmart Barnes, noble. Many independent booksellers sell it as well, and you could get the paper version or the Kindle version.

Gretta:

Perfect. Thank you, and thank you just so much for being here. Thank you for taking the time to chat with me today about radical acceptance. I love it.

Dr. Terri Bacow:

Me too. This is a great topic. Thank you for having me.

Gretta:

My pleasure and listeners. I invite you to follow at Coping with Ghosting on social media. Join the free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group and please leave a rating for this show. Your feedback helps spread a message of hope. And finally, remember when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.