Coping With Ghosting

Protecting Your Heart in the Digital Dating World, with Haifa Barbari

• Gretta

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Discover how to protect your emotional well-being in the maze of modern dating with insights from Haifa Barbari, futurist and founder of the Be What Matters app. Learn how dating apps can hijack your brain's reward system, making ghosting feel like a gut punch, and explore essential strategies for using these platforms mindfully. In this episode, Haifa and host Gretta discuss how to stop obsessively checking up on ghosts and stop idealizing them. Haifa provides powerful techniques to reclaim your self-worth, find emotional balance, and cultivate healthier daily habits.

Connect with Haifa:
Be What Matters Website
Instagram

Connect With Gretta:
Take Your Power Back Workshop
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

BetterHelp:
Go to https://betterhelp.com/copingwithghosting for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help #sponsored

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and today, my guest, H Barbari and I are going to dive into numerous topics, including how dating apps affect our brains, the future of ghosting, how to take your ghost off a pedestal, and more. Haifa is the founder of the self-coaching app Be hat Matters, which is designed to transform relationships with others, yourself and your life. Haifa is a professionally qualified futurist with over 15 years of experience guiding companies to create solutions to navigate what's next, with a positive impact on society and business, and she also coaches individuals and is on a mission to reduce loneliness and unhappiness. Haifa, I love your mission and I'm so happy that you're here today.

Haifa Barbari:

So thrilled. Thank you for having me, Gretta, and hello to the listeners. I hope you get all that you need from me and Gretta today and I hope you enjoy yourself.

Gretta:

So let's just dive right in. How are dating apps affecting human brains?

Haifa Barbari:

Well, this is why I pivoted Gretta and took my futurist career and in health and applied it to this space, and why we're talking, because over the last 10 years, since dating apps have been introduced into the world and become adopted by the masses, it's doing something to our brains that most people seem to be surprised when I tell them this.

Haifa Barbari:

And and any form of rejection, even on an app when there's no one that messages you back or matches you back, it triggers the same part of the brain as processing physical pain, the somatosensory system. So when you're using an app without you knowing, it impacts how you feel and it's actually hurting you. So that's one of the core things. But there are so many other aspects with the app design, such as the dopamine hit when you do get a match, the way the lighting and the features are structured to make you feel like you want that. Another dopamine hit and it keeps you addicted and going back on the apps. So there's a couple of things going there. It's triggering dopamine and then also triggering the part of your brain that makes you feel pain in the way you use the apps. Those are the two key things that are really impacting us behind the scenes, even without us knowing it.

Gretta:

Wow, that's so intense. We've talked about that a little bit on my show in the past and I know that dating apps are a great way to find love and they can also be addictive and really challenging to deal with and sometimes it's self-care if you need to take a break from a dating app and just duck out of that and maybe try to go meet people in real life.

Haifa Barbari:

Exactly. It's so complex. So we have to be aware of what's going on with our dating apps so that we can use them to our advantage. So I love that you said that, Gretta, there's a pro when it comes to dating apps You'll meet people or you can meet people in real life. There's so many different ways that you can do it. But when you know the negative side even with you wanting to not use them and you don't want it to affect you and you know this you still have to stay vigilant. So I always recommend to people when they're using dating apps, when they know that this is going on, is to really use them with intention.

Haifa Barbari:

And what you said self-care. To me self-care tactically speaking, when using the dating app is actually limiting your time on them minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening, and put that phone away, because the things that are going on with your brain you really can't control, it's just happening in the background and over time, that incremental effect will make you feel depressed, lonely, start berating yourself, because it will trigger you. So if you can use them with intention and really focus your time, it can help you get back to that self-care mindset and maintain your confidence while using them.

Gretta:

Thank you for that. That's such good advice. What are the effects of being ghosted on somebody's brain and why, and what can we do about this?

Haifa Barbari:

Yeah, Well one. It also triggers the same part of the brain as processing physical pain, the same to sensory system. But when you have been ghosted, you're already more invested, aren't you, Gretta? You know this very well, so do your listeners. But because you're more invested, it triggers another part of the brain, that fight flight fear mode part of the brain, the reptilian part of the brain, that fight flight fear mode part of the, the brain, the reptilian part of our brain. Before our brain is evolved, we still have that part and it makes us. It triggers that anxiety where we want to feel safe again and accepted.

Haifa Barbari:

And ultimately, when you're invested in someone and they ghost you, I don't care if it's after one date or a few messages, or if it's five months later or after a year every single form of ghosting is ghosting and you're invested and you have progressed that relationship somewhere. And because you're invested and there's hope, it's doing two things. It's triggering the part of your brain that thinks that there's safety there, that's where you belong. You get excited, that's great. But if they leave without saying a word, one, that's really rubbish. We'll talk about that later in terms of the future of ghosting. But it is triggering the fight-flight mode and how you react as individual to you, whether you want a response from that person to feel safe again and and reassured that it's not you.

Haifa Barbari:

Because what it does it goes deeper. When someone ghosts, it triggers the part of us, both our brains, but also deep within our gut and our heart space. It triggers our fear as well that that we are not enough and reinforces that inner fear Again, the reptilian part of our brain, that we will be alone. It will just reinforce our fears about relationships In that moment. That's what it does on the human level, but it's all manageable. Does on the human level, but it's all manageable. But it also, because of that, it makes us want to get back to a place of safety and reassurance and I believe and know and have coached my clients, have done this myself, hence the so many reasons is that you know and examples is that we can get back to that place of safety ourselves and the more we learn how to do that and the faster we can do it, there'll be less of effect on our brains and how we feel. We recover fast. It's fast failure, I like to call it, but detaching from it being personal and I know that's harder to do when you've been together over a longer period of time. So it's about how you manage your mindset, how you reassure yourself and get back on track.

Haifa Barbari:

So the fight flight mode I want to come back to that a little bit, Gretta, before we really get to those practical tips, because the way we react is so individual to us, whether that be going back to that point of wanting to reach out to that person to find out what's going on it's not necessarily to be with them again, but it's to get some form of answer or we want to not get an answer and instead lash out and retaliate or kind of reject them back to feel safe again.

Haifa Barbari:

Every scenario is unique to you and I've done each scenario too. A younger version of me has and I can tell you, every time I've done anything in reaction to a ghost, it's always made me feel worse. So there's a better way to manage it for you and for that person. So there's a lot going on and and what I want folks to take away from this. I hope they listen to it and, you know, do some research on this yourselves. But the bottom line is it's so complex the, the fact that you think it's you right or or that they've done something wrong. It's more complex than that. There's so much more things going on there, and all that matters in that moment is how you take care of yourself and how you recover and how you move on.

Gretta:

That is number one. You are number one. Yeah, how can we reverse these terrible effects that are happening in our brain? What can we do to heal our brains?

Haifa Barbari:

Love that question and, first of all, it starts with acknowledging that it's going on and detaching personally from all of these dynamics that are happening. And, yes, part of it is whether your relationship was compatible or not. Part of it is whether they're emotionally mature to go to a next stage of a relationship or communicate with you. There are so many different factors about whether you spark with someone or not or whether your relationship is going to stand the test of time. But in the moment of ghosting and in the moment of managing all the highs and lows of dating, it does come back to how you build in, and what I recommend is building in daily, intentional self-care time with your brain and with your heart, and what I mean by that is speaking to your brain, right? So building in just to get really practical every morning, every evening, especially if you're single and you're dating or if you're recovering from a ghost you're in the mindset of the highs and lows of dating and you will be having good times. You will have not so great times. So, when you're active in this space or if you're recovering in this space, build in just like the dating app strategy that I gave you in terms of managing the time. Five minutes in the morning, five minutes in the evening. Increase that time, if you like. Myself and my clients have noticed, when they started to do this over time, the time that they spent checking in with themselves, with their brains and with their hearts increased over time because it felt good. So you do you. If you want to do 20 minutes, do 20 minutes. You want to do half an hour? Do half an hour, but start with five minutes, start small. Five minutes in the morning, five minutes in the evening.

Haifa Barbari:

First of all, highly recommend getting to a place of where you feel a little bit of inner peace, and that's hard to do, right? To slow down your mindset and to feel grounded in yourself when we're distracted so much that it's hard to get to that place. So I always recommend, first of all, taking some really deep breaths. I call this an inner self-check-in, okay. So first of all, taking some really deep breaths. I call this a inner self-check-in, okay. So first of all, take some deep breaths, breathe in five counts, hold and then breathe out five counts. Do that three times at least, up to five, and you'll start to feel just this sense of okay, calm, a slower effect on the inside.

Haifa Barbari:

And when you get to that feeling of being in a slower pace whether you call it inner peace or just at least slowing down your heart rate I want you to draw your attention to your mind and just acknowledge what it's saying to you about being ghosted the ex or the person or your dating life. Just acknowledge it and then start to do an inner self-talk to yourself and reassure yourself that it's more complex than what's going on. You are worthy. You have to meet yourself with a different narrative that you are worthy of love.

Haifa Barbari:

Ghosting is out of your control. You can only control your own reactions. And again, it really depends on the scenario. But you replace the narrative with a more objective, realistic narrative of what's going on, and I've just told you at least 10 things about that. It's triggering your brain, right? It could be that they just don't know how to communicate. It's not you. There are so many factors at play and then just replace that narrative with more of a reality and then reassure yourself that you are worthy and instead of, and then lastly, with what you want instead.

Haifa Barbari:

So the clarity piece, the replacement piece of the narrative, and then moving forward, what do you want instead in your relationship life, in your dating life, and I don't mean getting the ghost back, I mean, what are you worthy of? What do you believe you're worthy of? And get yourself back into believing that that is what you're worth, because when you're back in that space, you can move on from the ghost, you can move on from anything else and create the space to welcome someone right in for you. So that's the mindset stuff. And then back into the heart space.

Haifa Barbari:

The breathing was really the spoiler alert. Take some more deep breaths and get back to, and draw your attention to, your heart. Is it racing? Just take some more deep breaths and get back to a place of feeling slowly, feeling like it's slowed down, and then talk to your heart. Just say, hey, heart, like, whatever your narrative is going to be, just talk to the heart and just say I love you, you are worthy and your heart is going to be safe, always with me, and I'm going to let someone in who is more worthy of keeping that heart safe too. And then come back, open your eyes, shake it off, start again.

Gretta:

That's beautiful, Haifa. Thank you. I love it. Our listeners will get so much out of doing that every day and I just have to say you have such a good vibe, you are so positive and full of radiant energy, and I couldn't help but connect the two. That practice probably really contributes to the way you are.

Haifa Barbari:

Absolutely, Gretta, thank you so much, and I care so deeply about other people who were in my shoes 10 years ago and I know how it feels and I really do my best to try and help another person out, have an easier time, and so it happened to me and I remember times laying on my yoga mat, crying my eyes out because of a ghost and just not getting success in my relationships, and so I really do hope that this does come through and helps your listeners, and just not to promo. This really comes from a good place. But if you want help doing this every day, I have a seven-day challenge in the app to just help you check in with yourself. It's not necessarily related to ghosting there is a section there if you want it but in terms of just guiding you on a daily basis in the morning and the evening, just to practice and get in the habit. It's there and it's free.

Gretta:

That's wonderful. So when people are ghosted, I've noticed and I've done this myself just all I wanted to do in the past was sit by my phone and just constantly check it, Like did they email me, Did they text me, Did they post on social media? Where are they? What are they doing? How can we get our brains to stop obsessing over the ghost and just needing to check compulsively all the time?

Haifa Barbari:

Right, right, that is so normal, and isn't that a horrible place to be. You don't feel great. It's that anxiety again. Our reptilian part of our brain has been triggered, is scared and wants to feel safe again, and part of that is over fixating on the thing that we think is going to help us feel safe again and it's triggering our anxiety. And you know, there's no, there's no dancing around the topic. That's anxiety and that's dating anxiety and I've had it myself, you know. And so come back to even though you know you shouldn't be doing it, you're still doing it, right, it's just, it's that fear. But also I think it's not only fear, not think it's that fear, but also I think it's not only fear, not think. I know it's not only fear, it's the addictive habit of it. Right, it's triggering the dopamine piece of every time you check your phone and look at what they might be doing, it's triggering more dopamine in your brain and also with your phone. The light on the phone is also keeping you addicted to your phone. So the dynamics of the way our phone is designed and even then the aspect that's going on in our brains is not helping the fact that we want reassurance from the ghost, okay. So this is where you have to be vigilant and focus on breaking the habit.

Haifa Barbari:

I believe everything in life is a habit and our entire life is one big habit made up of tiny little habits, and we can make them and break them, and we do make them and break them, and we do make them and break them even when we don't realize it. So it takes as little as. I don't know if you've read the book and if not, I highly recommend it if you're interested in learning more about habits by Dr BJ Fogg. He's out of Harvard and it's a book called Tiny Habits, and one of the things I want to flag is that a habit can be formed in as little or broken in as little as seven days or 256 days. I know that's quite specific, but it depends on how ingrained that habit is in your behavior.

Haifa Barbari:

Everything we do in our behavior is a habit. So if you think that you can't stop doing this, yes, you absolutely can, and what I need you to do is focus every day, every day that you don't want to do that, be really intentional with it and put your phone away. You're not going to change overnight, but really practically put your phone in your bedroom or somewhere else, go for a walk. I've heard about these light phones that you can get, where it's just a phone call and a text and you don't have access to your smartphone features and the addictive lighting. Maybe get a light phone if you like and then replace sometimes what phone that you use and I'm still doing this now for different reasons. I use my phone way too much because of the addictive qualities on the phone and I have to put it away. When I want to focus, I have to. I have to put the phone away. I'll put on some ambient music and feel very chill and I get into my flow.

Gretta:

So there's addictive behaviors associated with it and you can break them and you've got to be intentional with them, and I used to hold the belief that time itself would heal all my wounds. But, as it turns out, time itself didn't magically improve my state of mind. I had to do deep inner work to feel better after being ghosted, and I did it in therapy. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's sponsor, BetterHelp. Betterhelp connects you with a licensed therapist who is trained to listen and give you helpful, unbiased advice. First you go to their site you can use my link, betterhelp. com/ coping with ghosting. You answer a few questions and BetterHelp will match you to a professional who has years of experience helping people with issues just like yours. You can do it all from your phone or computer phone call, video chat or messaging however you feel most comfortable.

Gretta:

It's the easiest way possible to start talking to a therapist. Let BetterHelp connect you to a therapist who can support you all from the comfort of your own home. Visit betterhelpcom slash coping with ghosting or choose coping with ghosting during signup and enjoy a special discount on your first month. Absolutely. It's funny that you mentioned habits, because today is the very first day that I'm using a habit tracker calendar. I'll show it to you Love it. So I'm really excited about this because I've put down things that are just like really basic, like washing my makeup brushes once a week.

Gretta:

Love that yeah, once a week to everything I always forget. Okay, that's really hard to remember to working out every day, and then I'm going to draw a little. I guess I'm going to fill in a bubble when I'm done and I know that's going to feel really good in my brain.

Haifa Barbari:

Yeah, so you're using it to your advantage. I love this, Gretta. So when we know there's also a positive side to the dopamine hits like if you know what's going on, you can do what you're doing. Having that tick box next to it to trigger the dopamine that recognition because you did something good, Love that. And funny that you say that right in front of me. I have my list of daily habits in front of me and it says morning run and and it says pre-record my podcast for this season. Wetter, you're going to be on one and so I can't wait for my listeners to get to know you too. And yeah, it's those little things and um, good luck I. It takes as little as seven days to form a habit, so it can happen yay, I'm excited about it.

Gretta:

All right. A long time ago, the man I was dating ghosted me and at the time I thought that he left me because I wasn't good enough for him. I mean, obviously that's not true, but that's what I thought.

Gretta:

And even after he vanished I still thought he was a great guy who was practically perfect, and because I thought it was my fault, I didn't even realize that what he had done was rotten. So of course, looking back, I know that ghosting is not personal. Being ghosted is not personal. So I'm curious to hear your thoughts about why people idealize their ghosts.

Haifa Barbari:

Right. Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that that happened and you felt that way in that moment. I really know how that feels and it's horrible, and I've also myself done that too, so I can really relate. It's so normal, it's human. I want to highlight that because, if anyone is going through that right now, there's no shame, okay, in idealizing them. There's no shame. You're not doing anything wrong. You're doing something that's human right. There's no shame. You're not doing anything wrong. You're doing something that's human right.

Haifa Barbari:

Like when, when somebody that we love has detached from us or someone that we're excited about has detached from us, we, first of all, part of our human behavior will always self-blame, and by self-blaming or removing it from them, we feel like that's something we can control, and we step into that state first, and then, because of us doing that, we then look at them and look back and think, oh, everything was perfect. Actually, because there's a fear going on, and, dare I say it, it's the fear that a lot of people who are single or looking for love have, and that's this fear of being alone. So it triggers that fear again. I come back to the brain, that reptilian part of the brain wanting to be safe again, and so the idealization comes back up to wanting to be safe again, and it's a different trigger this time. What's been triggered now is your fear of being alone and the fear of not finding anybody else. And because of that fear, we tend to stay in what we know, in our comfort zone, and we idealize them and what we had and think that actually that was, if it worked out, we wouldn't ever be alone again.

Haifa Barbari:

And instead of looking forward, we look back and perhaps fall into behaviors of trying to get them back or self-blaming that it was us that did something wrong and that there's a process to that and that is part of the healing journey. So it's part of the breakup recovery process, the five stages of breakup recovery, and that's denial. Frankly, you're in a state of denial and idealizing them and so let it be, let it happen. You know what You're going to do it, we all do it, it's human. But as soon as you possibly can and I hope you do this as fast as possible the next time it's start to accept the reality of the fact that they're not perfect. The relationship was not perfect. It's impossible to have perfect relationships and get back into a place of objectivity and look forward. And it's hard, it's not easy, like Gretta. This is why I have the app and you know it's. It's you know truly why I really believe in self-coaching and people learning about the intricacies of relationship development, relationship detachment and understanding what you need to grow.

Haifa Barbari:

I don't want to use the word move on, I want to use the word grow because, I think sometimes you always hold on to a past that has hurt you, and that's okay, but you can grow from it and you will let go, and there'll be times where it gets triggered again, but it's to learn and grow and then you can start to truly move on. And I know you coach a lot of people in this space too, Gretta, and I love that and I think that it's just normal. The bottom line is it's human, it's normal. You're in denial.

Gretta:

Get to that objective place as soon as you can Right. For me, getting to that objective place meant that I had to acknowledge that I didn't want to be with somebody whose actions didn't align with their words. I didn't want a partner who would abandon me and I didn't want somebody in my life who had severe communication problems and couldn't handle a breakup conversation. And it was to acknowledge and realize that I deserved so much more, and I really do a deep dive in this. In my take your power back workshop, which you can find at copingwithghostingcom, I show all the different reframes that I did for all the limited negative beliefs that I had about myself and about what I wanted from this relationship.

Haifa Barbari:

Amazing.

Gretta:

Amazing.

Haifa Barbari:

And you know, dare I say it as well, when actions don't align with words, that is a major, major indicator of a toxic relationship and narcissism. So you know, I think that there's more stuff going on and it's really important to get back to. I like to use all roads lead to you. When you truly are in a place of understanding who you are, what you bring to the table because, darlings, you're not perfect either. I'm not perfect you know what you've got to work on and authentically being confident and accepting of all the good stuff and the stuff that you're growing, then you know who you are in a relationship and the stuff that you're growing. Then you know who you are in a relationship. And when you know who you are in a relationship, you will not put up with people where their actions and their words do not match, and I can guarantee you that.

Gretta:

I agree, Haifa. I follow another futurist, dr Jane McGonigal, who wrote the book Imaginable. I love her too, and I think it's one of the coolest professions out there. Can you share a little bit about what being a futurist means and then share what you think the future of ghosting looks like?

Haifa Barbari:

Absolutely Well, I do too. I think it's the coolest job ever and I got into it over time actually. So I've always worked in health and with looking at how to improve health outcomes in the world with different businesses, and my job was in strategy and it was in changing behavior. Strategy is all about, instead of doing this, you do how do we sort of move from one place to the next, and it's aligned with psychology and behavior and there's a lot of data in it. So, essentially, being a futurist is about drawing on all different kinds of data points that are happening now, in the past and in the future, and drawing and hypothesizing different scenarios. And everyone can read data, but it's the scenario planning that not everybody necessarily can do. Also, you've really got to be analytical about it and you've got to really look at ways in which you pull connections from multiple different ways and you track it over time.

Haifa Barbari:

It's not an instant gratification kind of job, so I say that just in case anybody wants to become a futurist themselves.

Haifa Barbari:

But in terms of that, it's all about looking at data points, predicting the future and then, ideally, what to do about it, not just for businesses but for society, and that's what I've been doing for the last 15 years, and one of the areas and the reason why I pivoted is what kept coming up and this is probably no surprise to anyone but the more technology advances, the more our wellbeing deteriorates and we have to do something about it.

Haifa Barbari:

So, as a futurist, I work with companies to innovate their business while taking care of society. So there are two things I do there specifically, specifically and I do it less now because of my own business but, um, I ideate product solutions that will will work in future, and then also programs to look after society, such as sustainability programs such as um community groups, such as taking care of the environment in different ways, and so I won't geek out too much on that. But my job is to make sure both are considered, because for too long, when we're advancing, the social side isn't necessarily considered when it comes to business. So I'm on a mission to make sure our well-being is taken care of in society as we continue to move into the future, and technology is impacting our well-being, which is what we just talked about, Gretta, and how phones are designed and how apps are triggering our brains and impacting how we feel. So that's what I do in terms of being a futurist. It's what's next for business and society wow, that's so cool.

Gretta:

Thank you for telling me about that, and I wonder what you think the future of ghosting is going to look like.

Haifa Barbari:

But just not even for dating, but for friends, family, work relationships I love that question and I'm going to reframe it slightly just in the context of the future, if you don't mind. Gretta, I think think the question that I've had on my mind for the last five years and is on my mind for the future is what is the future of relational dynamics? What are the future of relationships? And I will zoom in on ghosting, but there's a number of things going on that has impacted relationship dynamics now and is shifting the future of relationship dynamics. So the future of relationship dynamics is we're in this point of change right now. So we look at the past, we look at the present and we look ahead.

Haifa Barbari:

So in the past, what happened was people got excited about all of this access to multiple different people, and people are just outside of dating, started to spend less time with each other in reality because they're on their phones. We started in the past to detach from each other and spend less time with each other, therefore not seeing each other as human beings and considering the human aspect of our interactions. And so what then happened is and particularly over the last five years this disposable behavior of and cancel culture. Right? So I don't really I value more time on my phone alone than actually being with other people, or I, in the context of dating if it doesn't work out, I'm going to get another date lined up easily. Dating If it doesn't work out, I'm going to get another date lined up easily, it's not a problem. And so we moved into this space of disposable culture, cancel culture, canceling on you last minute or actually some people not even showing up, you know so. So we moved into. We were so close to each other. We're spending so much time with each other. We then started to detach because of technology and impacting the way we communicate with each other or not communicate with each other or spend time with each other.

Haifa Barbari:

And then now people have really like, because of your podcast and so many different resources out there are becoming more aware of these negative behaviors when it comes to being close with other people, with being vulnerable, having difficult conversations, with intimacy. Intimacy has been impacted, honest communication has been impacted, and we are both the problem and the solution in my, in my view, because we talk about what we don't want, but we also perpetuate the problem and do exactly the same thing at times. Right, and we have to. Then, once, when people are aware, more people now are aware of these dynamics and want the opposite to happen and the solution is us. So more people right now are aware of the issue that dating apps have on relationships, issues of ghosting, and are showing up in different energy, not ghosting themselves, for example. People are aware that they are giving up too soon and want to give people actually more chances before they move on. People are aware they're spending too much time on their phone and not with their family and not even present. When they're with their friends, they're looking at their phone. Their awareness is now there.

Haifa Barbari:

So the next five, 10 years is actually change. We are going to shift. We're going to shift out and we're going to solve the problem, and it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to shift out and we're going to solve the problem, and it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to be an incremental effect. So, with what you're doing, what I'm doing, with what your listeners are doing individually making slight shifts to solve the issues, by being in the energy that they want themselves, by taking the actions that they want themselves back, by doing that, by putting that out into the world, we're going to start to change the culture again. We're going to start changing relationship dynamics. Let's get really specific here Now to really geek out with the data. So more women are listening to podcasts and going down different self-growth paths and more women go to therapy. It's just a fact that there's so much data about this. First, more open, more receptive to communicate and um and and take action when there's a problem.

Haifa Barbari:

When it comes to the relationship space, men are slightly different because there there's a different social issue around masculinity right now and so so. But they're catching up. So this year, this past year, more men started downloading my app than women. For the first time in the last five years, there are now so many podcasts out there around modern masculinity.

Haifa Barbari:

I love the book of man particularly.

Haifa Barbari:

You should absolutely, if you're a guy listening to this, listen to it. I love the book of man, particularly. You should absolutely, if you're a guy listening to this, listen to it. So women are a lot further ahead when it comes to taking responsibility, on being in building healthier, connected relationships and overcoming the challenges that we face, like healthy communication, being vulnerable, not ghosting, spending time with friends and family, putting your phone away, like being like, more aware and present, and learning the skills that you need to change the dynamics and men are starting to catch up too, and what we see and what I predict in the next five to 10 years is that we're going to come back to connection. We're going to come back to being present. We're going to come, we're actually and we're going to grow in more of how we communicate with each other. There's going to be more relationship check-ins where men and women or whoever, irrespective of gender and sexual orientation, irrespective of gender and sexual orientation will be conscious and intentional with how they set up that relationship, will be conscious and intentional on whether to go out again with each other or not, conscious and intentional with how you continue the relationship or not, and there'll be different conversations and we're seeing this. I love social media, on the other hand, because we're seeing more couples also showing up and showing how they're doing that with each other. It's only going to increase. So it's a long-winded way of saying that the future of ghosting is actually a shift in cultural dynamics. With relationships, we're going to come back to being more connected and we're going to evolve and grow into more conscious and intentional connection and owning our own challenges and being self-responsible. It's not going to be an idealistic, utopian future. We're going to have other challenges, but people will value human connection and actually increase and value relationships more than they do right now is my prediction, because of all of the different factors impacting it and the factors that are happening now, raising awareness about this topic and how people are. More people over the years are learning about the topic too about this topic and how people are.

Gretta:

more people over the years are learning about the topic too. I cannot wait for that future to happen. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have it happen today, because that sounds great. Wow, lucky us, thank goodness right.

Haifa Barbari:

Yeah, absolutely, and we are the solution. With every intentional moment and I love, Gretta, that you were saying it could be with your friends or your family or at work, or not just relationships the more we can be present and intentional, you know, and put our phones away and we're going to come back to, we're going to create a different world because we're feeling it. Last data point I promised Over the last two years, the statistics of loneliness, particularly in millennials and Gen Zs, went from 50% to 70%. That's only in two years. So it's going to get worse.

Haifa Barbari:

And there is a theme that happens when you hit rock bottom, you make a change. So the more people that feel so lonely and the impacts of being lonely and the same thing with unhappiness, the more individual people feel the effects of it. It will, it will nudge them to make a change. So it's got to get bad before it gets better. So if it gets bad for you, see it as an opportunity to make it better for you. With every action you take, you are shifting the way you show up and how other people can react to you. You give them an opportunity to react to you in a different way.

Gretta:

I love everything you're saying, Haifa, and I actually do have a podcast episode called how to Build a Support Network After being Ghosted, so if you are feeling lonely, that's a great place to start Love that. Is there anything else that you'd like to share with listeners about ghosting or being ghosted?

Haifa Barbari:

Oh, I could talk about this forever, forever, but what I would like to leave the listeners with is just doubling down on the point that you are not alone. It can happen at any time. It can happen by anyone, whether it's someone you're dating, happens with recruiters and there are many reasons for it and there's so much complexity happening in the background of how you're feeling and reacting to it. But if you can get back to a place of reassuring yourself that it's their immaturity, they're further behind you in the relationship growth curve and learning the skills of communication, whatever the relationship it is, and look after yourself, look after you. That's all that matters right now. You deserve better yeah, I agree.

Gretta:

How can listeners connect with you and discover your app?

Haifa Barbari:

Thank you all. If you're interested, like I said, there's lots of free stuff there for you. You can find it in the App Store and Google Play by searching Be what Matters or go to my website. And if you like listening to my futurist rambles, feel free to follow me on Instagram at thehyphob, and I'd love to see you and Gretta. I'm so excited to have you on my show soon and get to know you and your story a lot more.

Gretta:

Thank you, and thank you so much for joining me today.

Haifa Barbari:

I really appreciate you having me on. Thank you so much, Gretta.

Gretta:

And listeners, please remember to rate and review this podcast, share it and visit copingwithghostingcom for free guides, my take your power back workshop and other resources that will help you move forward as you heal. And be sure to remember when you are ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.