Coping With Ghosting

Why Do I Keep Getting Ghosted? Understanding The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

• Gretta

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Have you ever wondered, "Why do I keep getting ghosted?" If so, you're not alone, and it’s not your fault. Join Coach Gretta and Conscious Dating & Relationship Coach and Attachment Expert Taryn Newton-Gill as they dive deep into attachment styles, relational dynamics, and the complexities of ghosting. 

In this insightful episode, you'll discover:

  • Why people with certain attachment styles are likely to ghost
  • How anxious attachment contributes to push-pull dynamics with avoidant partners
  • Three strategies to build more secure relationships

Whether you’re grappling with anxiety in relationships or trying to understand the behaviors of avoidant partners, this episode will illuminate your relational dynamics and help you break the cycle of getting ghosted.

Connect With Gretta:
Coping With Ghosting 101
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

Connect with Taryn:
Manifest Love on the Apps Challenge Registration
Attachment Flags Checklist | Why Avoidant People Ghost (And 4 Signs to Help You See it Coming) | Website | Instagram | Facebook Group


Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted. That provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and this show's all about being ghosted on repeat in love, dating and romance. And today I'm joined by Taryn Newton-Gill, a conscious dating and relationship coach and attachment expert, as well as the CEO and founder of Truer Love, where she helps people attract the love of their life using the psychological framework of attachment theory. Taryn also has a background as a professional matchmaker and life coach and is the host and producer of the Truer Love Stories podcast. Welcome to Coping with Ghosting.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Thank you Gretta; I'm so excited to be here.

Gretta:

I'm grateful that you are on this podcast today. I think this is our Halloween episode being ghosted on repeat. It is a really unfortunate, unsettling thing that happens to people a lot.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah, I had it happen a lot to me, so I definitely relate and it's such an important topic.

Gretta:

And I've been on the ghosting merry-go-round before, so I really feel everyone's pain. If you're listening to this and you're like, oh my gosh, it just keeps on happening, okay, well, we have some solutions for you, and I just want to let new listeners know that in this podcast we're using the Oxford dictionary's definition of ghosting. It's the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication, and this is different than if you're leaving an abusive relationship or disappearing after a boundary has been violated. Being ghosted isn't your fault. It's never your fault, because you are not responsible for somebody else's silence and how they chose to end the relationship. That's on them, okay. And when somebody goes there, they're basically showing you that they're either unable or unwilling to show up to a healthy and mature relationship at this time. And the fact that they ended the relationship by vanishing reveals nothing about you.

Gretta:

And people ghost for a million different reasons. They could be struggling with mental illness, they could have an overwhelming situation happening in their personal lives, they could be seeing another person Like it could be anything. So I always advise people never to assume that you know why you've been ghosted. I mean, basically the whole definition is. There was no explanation. So it's really unhelpful to like go down a rabbit hole of like why. But, that being said, it's also really helpful to reflect on all relationships that we've been in. We can always learn something.

Gretta:

I also want to say that during your relationship with a ghost, it is possible that you did say or do something that made the ghost realize okay, this isn't the right fit for me. Okay, and if a ghost realizes this isn't the right match, they vanish. And that says everything about where they're at in their maturity, in their communication. At this point in time, a healthy, mature adult with good communication skills is going to say oh, I realize this isn't the right match for me, so I'm going to break up with this person with words. I'm going to respectfully communicate my truth that I don't really see this relationship going. Dignity is completely 100% on them. So did I explain that? Well, taryn, did that make sense? Do you have anything to add?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah, no, I think you did a lovely job explaining that, Gretta, and I do.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

I do have a lot to add.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

I think that, first off, I love what you said about it being on them and that you are not responsible for how they show up, right, and that's such an important point to make, as often the people who are ghosted are the kinds of people who tend to internalize other people's actions as a reflection of their worth.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

People who tend to internalize other people's actions as a reflection of their worth and I think that's what you're saying is that just because someone ghosts you doesn't change your level of worth one way or another. So I think that was one really important point you made. And then also, I think that it's important to know that, like you said, there are a lot of different reasons someone could ghost, but that, at the end of the day, no matter what the reason is, if someone is a mature, secure adult, which we can go into, what that piece means, they will tell you. There is always, no matter the situation, a way to communicate what's going on, and so, no matter what, there is no reason why you don't deserve an explanation if you are in a relationship with someone, or even if you're just their friend. So yeah, I think you made some really important points there.

Gretta:

Thank you. So, with all that being said, why may somebody get ghosted on repeat?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

This is a great question, because the repeated piece is the part where it is really important to pay attention not just to the fact that someone's ghosted you, but I think that it's a really important moment to stop and self-reflect anytime we notice something happening repeatedly, because something happening repeatedly is indicative of a pattern, right and so like. For me in my own dating life, when I was constantly dating people who would ghost me or just not tell me when they started to drift off. Or a lot of my clients say there's a shift that happens, where they seem so into me and everything's going great, and then it just suddenly feels different and you aren't surprised if they ghost you a little while after that.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right, maybe you relate to what I'm saying, Gretta, with that shift, yeah, I get it, yeah, and that person's going through something that they can't express, they don't know how. Maybe they are having their own trigger or reaction to whatever may have just happened and don't have the tools or, like you said, are either unable meaning they don't have the tools, they don't have the language to communicate it, or they're unwilling and they just choose not to because it's difficult, inconvenient, not easy to have a confrontation, right? And so they ghost, right, right, and so they go straight. And so I think it's really important to notice when that's happening to you repeatedly, because that's when you stop and over. No matter what they look like, what their job, what their cultural background, the relationship generally ended the same way in either ghosting, or me wanting more from the relationship and them not wanting to give it. And so at that point I had to say I'm the common denominator here, right? And so why is that? And so it's really important at that moment to not approach yourself with judgment, right, but with curiosity why? Why is this happening, right? And so that's actually what led me down the path to being so interested in attachment, because I discovered attachment theory by asking myself that question, and what I learned is that I had an anxious attachment style, and I know you've talked about attachment styles a bit on your podcast before, so I'll just give a quick refresher to anyone listening who might not be familiar.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

But attachment theory is the study of how humans bond, especially in intimate relationships, and initially it was studied in the context of parent-child or caregiver and child, I'd say, of research that's been done on attachment is that how you learn to love and feel safe with a caregiver is then how you learn to love and feel safe in your adult relationships as well. And so a lot of times those behaviors you learn when you're a child because that's really what an attachment style is is a behavioral strategy to feel safe in that relationship. And so for me, my anxious attachment is a common one of those who get ghosted. Because when we have an anxious attachment we generally had a parent who was inconsistent emotionally, so sometimes they would feel safe, but then sometimes they wouldn't, and so because of that we knew what safety could feel like and we craved it. We craved the closeness, but then at the same time that parent would suddenly switch.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

And so as children we very much internalize our parents' actions as a reflection of us, because when we're really young, we don't have a context for oh, mommy's just in a bad mood today, or mommy has a mental health disorder and so she can't be her best self today. Right, as children we don't understand that and so we internalize it as a message about our lovability, right. And so when someone has an anxious attachment style, what's happening is that that parent, as soon as they feel emotionally abandoned by the parent and I really want to make that distinction that we can have abandonment wounds that are emotional even if our parent didn't physically abandon us right, and so if we have a parent who will emotionally abandon us when they are not emotionally available or present for us, then that child kind of becomes preoccupied with getting that parent's attention back right. Like, oh no, I messed up, mommy doesn't want to be nice to me right now, I did something wrong. How can I get her attention back right? How can I get her to love me again? And this is all a subconscious process, right. And so that's where the anxious type, the anxious style, becomes preoccupied with not being abandoned from that early wound. Right, I will do anything to keep you loving me, giving me attention, so that I can feel loved, I can feel validated right, and validation is a healthy thing to have in relationships. But what happens in anxious attachment is that we are denied it so that we need more of it. We need more validation, we need more reassurance right, and so that anxious child learns to people please. That's one behavioral strategy they learn. They learn to throw tantrums to get attention right and sometimes they even ignore for the purpose of getting attention. It's called protest behavior, and so that is one way Right. I learned I had this anxious attachment style.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right was attracting unavailable people, because what ends up happening is that the opposite, insecure style, which is avoidant, has an attraction to anxious types. Because the anxious type is so used to people-pleasing and being aware of other people's needs and the avoidant type generally grew up alone and had to be by themselves, and they actually are very bad at reading other people's needs or feeling safe in a relationship at all. But the anxious person who's so eager to please makes them feel safe and provides an emotional grounding, and so these two styles start to attract each other, but they have opposing needs. So whereas the anxious person needs extra reassurance, the avoidant person needs space. So whereas the anxious person needs extra reassurance, the avoidant person needs space, and so this is a very common dynamic, this anxious and avoidant pairing, and it has a name. It's called the anxious avoidant trap, and I like to call it the anxious avoidant dance sometimes because there's very specific steps that are taken that lead to it being a trap, and I actually have a whole flow chart on it that I teach.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

But essentially what it is is that the avoidant person who tends to be someone who, by the way, might love bomb, because avoidant types, that's the word I'm looking for avoidant types struggle to be vulnerable and intimate in the present moment because it feels too overwhelming to them, because they're used to being alone, they're used to self-soothing, they've learned not to trust others, and so when they are initially in a relationship, they're usually falling in love with the idea of someone first, and so that's why they can tend to get really excited in the beginning of a relationship, and for the person who's more anxious, that feels really validating, that feels like exactly what we wanted.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

You know maybe anyone listening if you've dated someone who shows up exactly how you wanted someone to show up and calls you this way, you want to be called and starts talking about the future, and you get super excited.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

And so what happens is that this avoidant person is setting your expectations really high, but as they start getting more intimate with you, they can't handle how intense it feels, and so they start to back away, which triggers the anxious person Right, and they're like, oh no, where are you going? And so they start to back away, which triggers the anxious person right, and they're like, oh no, where are you going? And so they go to seek more reassurance from the avoidant person, and the avoidant person gets even more afraid and backs away even more, because their level of intensity and wanting their attention is too much for them. And so this is the cycle that often leads to ghosting. And so when you ask I know this was a really long explanation for your question, Gretta, but I really wanted to give the context of it's this very cycle that often leads to ghosting on repeat, because we tend to, unless we've healed these wounds, continuously attract the same kind of people, which would enable this same cycle to continuously play out over and over and over again. Does that make sense?

Gretta:

Yes, that all made sense. That really resonated with me. I've definitely been in the anxious avoidant trap myself. I totally get it, and I know that there's different types of avoidance. Can you share about the different types?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

and how they may show up in relationships. Absolutely so. Avoidance and anxious attachment, right? Both of those things are malleable. So that's the very first thing to know that when we talk about an attachment style, it's fluid, it's not stagnant, right? So it's really helpful to think of attachment in general as a spectrum, right?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

So there are people who are going to be more full-blown avoidant, which is what we call dismissive avoidant. When they are really checking all the boxes of avoidance, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment right, Really not in touch necessarily with their emotions. They might not use emotional language. In the same way, they tend to be more people who get excited and want to talk about ideas and really put a high price on rationality. Right, the dismissive avoidant person is more disconnected from their nervous system as a protective mechanism. So when they feel really dysregulated in either way meaning whether they feel good or bad, right, which I don't generally even like the words good and bad, but in terms of like they could feel close to someone and happy and it still could dysregulate them because they really don't want to feel emotions at all. To a degree so they numb their nervous system, which is why sometimes they don't even know how they feel about something, right. So those are really the traits of someone who is really dismissive, avoidant, right. And all of us have little bits of avoidance and it really depends on the dynamic of a particular relationship. So someone who's anxious might feel more avoidant when they're in a relationship with someone else who is anxious, right. Which is why anxious types if you identify as an anxious type, if you are dating someone who really, really likes you and is honest about it, it might turn you off at first, right, Because you're not used to that. You're used to chasing people for love. You're used to being the one who's trying to prove your worth to someone, versus someone who just accepts your worth right off the bat, right. So that's one type of avoidance.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

The other avoidance style that is common, but not as common as the rest of the styles, is the disorganized style, which has avoidance in style as well. The paradigm that I learned when I learned about attachment styles. That term is fearful, avoidant. People also call it anxious avoidant. It has a lot of different terms that all mean the same thing, but essentially that style is a mix of anxious and avoidant, but in a much more 50-50 kind of way. So someone who is fearful, avoidant or disorganized. They oscillate between feeling anxious and feeling avoidant. They long for closeness the way that someone who's anxious might. They need a lot of reassurance sometimes the way someone who's anxious might. But when they feel vulnerable on a dime they could get overwhelmed the way someone avoidant does and just want to disappear and ghost. But it's just slightly different because the true dismissive avoidant, they don't actively long for closeness in the same way that someone who is fearful avoidant might, because they don't have that same anxious component that someone who's fearful avoidant might. Does that make sense?

Gretta:

Yeah, absolutely.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah, and so those are the two main styles that have avoidance as like a key cornerstone part of their style. But something I do want to touch on that I slightly mentioned before was protest behavior, because a lot of times, people who are anxious think that they're fearful, avoidant, or think that they have more avoidance in their style because they engage in protest behavior. So I really like to clarify this that protest behavior is when you feel a threat to the relationship and so you are protesting that threat by doing something such as demanding attention. Like that itself is protest behavior. Right. If someone is not responsive to you and it's triggering to you. It feels like you're being abandoned and it's triggering that initial abandonment wound, then one form of protest behavior for an anxious type is to get really, really mad or like that kind of you know typical cliche calling you 50 times, texting you 50 times, kind of when women are misogynistically called needy, right or crazy, it's usually when they are feeling triggered and it just has become this really bad stereotype. Right, that is protest behavior.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

But another form of protest behavior is ignoring is stonewalling. Ignoring is stonewalling. So, for instance, a classic example of this is when I used to date people and I would text them, and then I don't hear back from them for, you know, seven hours. And then they send me some hey text, barely answering my question, and I'm annoyed about it. Then I don't text them back. I'm like you didn't text me back for seven hours. Well, I'm not texting you back till tomorrow. You know what I mean?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

I don't know if you know what you mean I can say, if you've ever done that, Gretta, so that is protest behavior, right, and sometimes people think that's being avoidant. But the difference is that it's coming from a different place, right, because in that situation, when you're ignoring someone, you're doing it because you actually are mad at them, because you're hurt and want their attention, right, like, actually you want their attention and you think ignoring them is going to make them notice. You like, oh, why didn't they get back to me, right? Right, and of course that works with avoidant types, because when they have space they come back because they need space. And that's the difference is that people who are more dismissive, avoidant or even fearful avoidant actually need the space because they feel overwhelmed, need to process. Maybe they don't know how they feel. So it's coming from a different place than people who Engage in protest behavior, right. So I think that's really important to clarify. So, bringing it back to, though, the idea of this being a spectrum, right, someone may be a dismissive avoidant, but they might not show as many signs of avoidance as someone who's extremely dismissive, avoidant on the spectrum, right?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

So a good example of this is like one of my clients. She has an avoidant boyfriend. He is her boyfriend. They've been together for three years but every single you know step of the way is like one step forward, two steps back. One step forward, two steps back in terms of him calling her his girlfriend, in terms of them moving in together.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right, like he's very resistant but he's not as dismissive, avoidant as, for instance, her boyfriend before that, who never wanted to meet her kids, never wanted to go out with her anywhere. Right, like this man is part of her family, he's met her kids, he's included them in his life, but he still has avoidant traits when they fight and when it comes to commitment. But they are able to make their relationship work because they've learned how to effectively communicate, because my client has really worked on becoming secure and so that's helped them able be able to have a healthy relationship. Right, so it's OK for someone to have some avoidance in their style, and I think it's really easy for us to demonize people who are avoided a lot of the time because we're so hurt by them, right, but not all avoidant types are, and I would say none of them are really people we want to demonize, so much as understand why they act the way they do. Right.

Gretta:

Yes, are you ready to feel happier and more at peace after being ghosted? With Coping with Ghosting 101, you'll find the support and strategies you need to move forward confidently. This downloadable video workshop and workbook, created with my friend and fellow coach SDK, is everything I wish I had when I was first ghosted. Inside, you'll uncover the reasons behind ghosting and learn powerful strategies to reclaim your confidence and sense of self. Don't let ghosting hold you back any longer. If you're ready to take your power back and move forward, visit copingwithghostingcom for more information. Yeah, and a relationship can work in if you're anxious and the other person is avoidant. However, I would say that I would assume that your goal for your client is to move the client into a more secure attachment style.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yes, exactly that's how it works, because when and that's and that's exactly the work that I do with my clients is I help them move into a more secure attachment style. Because when they're more secure, one of two things happens Either they start attracting people who are more secure, which can include anxious types, because anxious types really benefit from being with someone secure. Anxious types are a little closer to being secure than avoidant types. So when my client becomes secure, then she could either inspire an anxious type to be more secure or she's going to attract a secure partner or she'll inspire the avoidant type to become a little bit more secure.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

But the key is again with that spectrum how far dismissive they are on that spectrum might determine how willing they are to show up to the relationship and also have a certain level of self-awareness. Right, because a relationship only works in general if both people are willing to do the work it takes for it to be a healthy relationship. Right, and you know, many relationships survive this dynamic of anxious and avoidant. But most of the time, if people are not aware or willing to self-reflect and do that work, what's happening in the relationships that last in this dynamic is that generally the anxious person is sacrificing their needs to keep that avoidant person around. You know which is unfortunate.

Gretta:

Right. So if somebody is listening and they identify as anxious and they're like, well, I want to be more secure, like how can they get to that place? Like how can they start changing their relational dynamics?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

This is a great question. I love that you asked it. So the best way I can explain this is that there are really three main what I like to call elements of attachment, and research has showed that you can change your attachment style and become more secure when you have these three elements. So the first one is significant relationships, right? So when we become friends, even with someone in life, or have a relationship with someone, their attachment style generally is going to influence our attachment style, right? So if they're more secure, we're going to feel more safe and secure. If we're more anxious and they're more avoidant, they're going to probably trigger us and make us feel more anxious, right? And so what's going on when that happens whether with someone secure or with someone avoidant is that the more you're around that person, the more they are influencing your nervous system. They're influencing how you feel about yourself.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

If they are someone avoidant, they might be reinforcing limiting beliefs you have about yourself, right? Or limiting beliefs you have about how other people are and the quality of people who are out there, right, how other people are and the quality of people who are out there, right? And so you're just kind of making that wound bigger when you continue to be around someone who's always triggering you, right Versus when you are with someone who is more secure, they're going to remind you that you are lovable. Right. They're going to remind you that you're strong and you're going to start, on a subconscious level, believing that worth more. And it's going to make you feel safer and safer and safer to speak up with them to ask for what you need, to set boundaries, because you know that their response is going to be loving and accepting, right Versus. If it's someone avoidant, you might not get that same loving response. Right Versus if it's someone avoidant, you might not get that same loving response.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right and again, remembering that, especially anxious types, we internalize how other people treat us a lot of the time. So if you're around someone avoidant, you're internalizing your worth in that way, but if you're around someone secure, you're going to internalize your worth in a positive way, right. So, significant relationships and really being really intentional and choosy with who you allow in your life. This is why it's so important, right, and this is why one of the things I always tell my clients is part of the work I'm doing with you is helping you to start making better choices in the people that you're choosing to give your time to. Right, because it really does have an effect on your sense of self-worth, on your joy, on your daily mood, right, all of those things are going to be affected by who you're surrounding yourself with, right? So that's one way that you can start start becoming secure. That's one element of attachment.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

The second one is what I mentioned as well, which is your nervous system, right. So, and and these things are all connected, right, they, they are synchronistic, I think is the word I'm looking for they affect each other, right. So, when we are around someone in a significant relationship, they affect our nervous system, right. So, for instance, again, if you're anxious and you're around someone who's avoidant and you feel triggered a lot, you're going to feel activated a lot. You're going to feel stressed out a lot. You're going to be in your fight or flight, which is usually fight for anxious types Most of the time. Sometimes we freeze, but a lot of the time anxious types want to fight. That's why they get upset, right, when you don't respond, that's the fight, primal, you know, survival mechanism of your nervous system, and so doing work around your nervous system is another way to help you start becoming more secure, which is why, with my clients, we really work on having what I call a presence practice, which is really making it a part of your every day to be with yourself, to regulate your nervous system, so that you have tools to calm yourself down and regulate yourself when you feel activated, when you feel dysregulated. And same for avoidant types, right, what I was saying before avoidant types numb their nervous system, and so they actually need tools to help them activate their nervous system a little bit more and to feel things a little bit more and to feel things a little bit more, so it works both ways. So that's another element of security.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

And then the third element is really open-mindedness, and what we were talking about before, that willingness to self-reflect, is a really big part of becoming more secure.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

And again, studies have shown that when people have more of a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset, then that means they're able to consider how am I contributing to this relationship, like we were discussing in the beginning, how am I the common denominator, what behavior am I bringing to this dynamic for it to be what it is right?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

And having an open mind and being able to then change the way you're showing up, right that open-mindedness and willingness to talk to yourself differently, right?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Because a big piece of it is that, especially anxious types, we're not always very nice to ourself. We tend to have lower self-worth because we've internalized the negative actions of others, right. So we don't know how to self-soothe. We go to other people to feel soothing, whereas both secure and avoided types do know how to self-soothe. So that's a big piece of it, for anxious types is learning to self-soothe, and so that's kind of part of what I kind of group in that self-reflection, open-mindedness piece. And then the final piece of all of this that ties to all of these three things together, all these elements, is effective communication, because when we know how to effectively communicate, that helps us in all of these regards we can regulate our nervous system better, we can communicate with someone in a relationship better, and we start to believe our worth a little bit more when we see that we are showing up differently in the way that we're talking to people, whether that's through setting boundaries or expressing our needs more. So I love it yeah.

Gretta:

I love everything you just said. Thank you for sharing all that.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Thanks, Gretta yeah.

Gretta:

Continue on, please.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

I was just gonna say it's a big question and it can feel like such a I don't know. I think anxious types tend to have a bit of a perfection complex, right? And so a lot of times anxious types ask me that question. But what they're asking me a lot is not just how can I become secure. They're saying how do I fix my attachment style? Right? And I always say you don't want to use the word fix because I don't want to pathologize this like it's a disease right? It's really more about learning to manage your attachment style, because in the process of managing your triggers, of noticing when you're feeling anxious, right, that process in and of itself is what is going to make you more secure.

Gretta:

Everything you've said has been so fascinating. Can you share with listeners what all of this has to do with emotional availability?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yes, I love that you asked that question, Gretta, because I hear that a lot like oh, this person's emotionally unavailable, and I think that, more often than not, when people say that they're referring to someone avoidant, even if they don't realize they're referring to someone avoidant, that's what they're talking about, right, this person is not present is really what that means to me. When someone's emotionally available, it means that they are emotionally present, and when someone is avoidant, they tend to withdraw emotionally, which is what makes them unavailable. And so, kind of going back to the example of when you're a kid and your parent is inconsistently emotionally available, well, what that means is that sometimes they're going to be responsive to your needs. They're going to acknowledge your need, they're going to validate you, they're going to empathize with you, right, they're going to give you an emotional response. They're going to give you warmth if you're feeling sad. Right, they are feeling your emotion with you and saying it's okay that you're feeling that emotion, right, and so that is the presence piece. They are present with you in feeling that emotion, which could be a very vulnerable thing. Right, when we are feeling vulnerable, we feel vulnerable in the present moment. Right, and it's the fear of vulnerability that avoidant people are trying to avoid because they don't have the practice in their life learning that being vulnerable can be safe, right, and so that is why they are emotionally unavailable. They are avoiding vulnerability. They are avoiding feeling those big feelings with you, and they resist even sometimes reassuring you or acknowledging your feelings, because it feels too hard for them to feel those things. It's too uncomfortable for them, right?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

But the thing that is really interesting is that it is not just avoidant types who can be emotionally unavailable. Anxious types can also be emotionally unavailable as well as fearful avoidant, because they fall into both these categories, and that, I think, is really confusing for anxious types a lot of the time, because anxious types tend to be such warm people, they tend to have good friendships, they tend to be very in tune with other people's needs. Like you know, I'm sure you, just like myself, Gretta, are a great friend, right? If your friend is going through something, I'm there for you, right? So it's really, I think, a bit of a disconnect sometimes to think that how am I emotionally unavailable, right? But the truth is that what?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

What we do when we are in a relationship, right, is we? We, we all have needs, right, our relationships are based on needs. Based on needs, all of attachment theory is based on getting our need for love and safety and security met. Right, that emotional need. It's actually a primal survival mechanism for us to feel safe in a relationship with someone else. Right, and what anxious types tend to do is in order to feel safe.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right, they deny their own needs. Right, they put the needs of that other person first so that that other person is not inclined to abandon them emotionally. Right, but what that's doing is it's prioritizing the other person's needs in the relationship and it's not allowing their own needs to get met in that relationship. And that ends up having a side effect a lot of the time in terms of resentment.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right, it's anxious types who tend to get resentful because their needs aren't getting met. They then hold in their feelings and then explode in anger a lot of the time because they can't handle their needs not being met. After a while they tend to be more passive, aggressive, because they don't know how to in a secure way, using effective communication and when I say effective communication, I mean communication that works, because you're taking the other person's attachment needs into consideration, and so they don't know how to do that, and they don't even sometimes even know what they need, because they're so used to denying their own needs. And so in this way, anxious types are also showing up unavailably, right, they are not completely being present with their feelings in the relationship, and so that is also causing this dynamic, right, this anxious, avoidant dynamic, and so, unfortunately, it's a kind of an uncomfortable truth. But if you are repeatedly attracting unavailable people, it is an indication that on some level, you are likely also emotionally unavailable.

Gretta:

You are likely also emotionally unavailable, got it.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Right.

Gretta:

Yeah. Yeah, I hear you and I was just relating to everything that you were just sharing. I've definitely been that person before, allowing other people's needs to be more important than mine, yep.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah, no-transcript. So men and women are equally divided between being anxious and avoidant, but we tend to think of men as more avoidant and women as more anxious, and my theory about this is that it's because men are socialized to be a little more avoidant to not say that there isn't some level of nature with that right. Women have higher levels of oxytocin, we are naturally a little bit more nurturing, but not to the extent that we are kind of socialized to be where we put everybody's needs before ours. That's a very common thing, right, and so it kind of, I think, compounds, if you have an anxious attachment style and you're a woman, right, a cis woman, or you're socialized to be a woman that you are doubly a people pleaser, that you are doubly putting other people's needs first, and so it makes it even harder, I think, sometimes to believe you're deserving of getting your needs met.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

So it's just it's so important to have awareness around these things, right, because if you're attracting unavailable people again going back to how are you the common denominator, how can you start showing up more securely? You know, by you getting your needs met, you're not being selfish, you're actually giving them a chance to meet your needs. You're not being selfish. You're actually giving them a chance to meet your needs right, and you're giving them permission to ask for their needs to be met. So I like to say what Brene Brown says a lot. She says clear is kind, right, and the clearer we can be about what we need, the kinder we are to the person who's in that relationship with us.

Gretta:

I love that.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah.

Gretta:

How can people identify an avoidant early on in dating? What does that behavior look like?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Well, Gretta, I would say that across the board avoidance aren't necessarily always going to show up the exact same way because of that spectrum, but someone who is on the more dismissive, avoidance side of things, there's some key things. So, first off, someone who's more avoidant, they're going to be a little more independent. They really really place a high value on independence and with that they might have a little bit more rigid boundaries, right? So what that looks like is maybe you know they want you to come to their house more often, right? They're not as willing to compromise with you and drive to your house, right? Or you know, if they're uncomfortable with something, immediately you tend to be the one who acquiesces, right. Which, again, if you're more anxious, you're used to doing that, so you might not think of it as a red flag. But someone who is not willing to compromise with you and just wants things on their terms all the time, that is generally a sign of someone who's going to be more avoidant. Along the same lines, if someone is very resistant to saying how they feel about you, if they're resistant to reassuring you, if they get mean or withdrawn when you share a feeling, those are all examples of people who are going to be more avoidant and then in the kind of more extreme cases, like I was mentioning before, it's kind of a counterintuitive thing and I think it really confuses people that avoidant types can love bomb, right. So you know, I know this is kind of a newer term, this idea of love bombing and how can you even tell if someone's love bombing and I have a whole podcast episode about this myself because it can be really confusing for people.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

But I always say like and this is why intuition is so important when you're dating, if it feels uncomfortable, like if they, it seems that they are way more excited about you than they should be for the amount that you know each other, right, if you're on the dating apps and they are already saying things like well, when we see each other, you know in three months from now, or they're just making comments that just seem like how are you feeling that way already when you don't know me? That's an example of you being loved bomb likely. Or like they're making grand plans for the future and they haven't even like set a first date with you yet Right, first date with you yet right. That's them kind of doing that whole love bomb thing where they get excited about the idea of you, because they do want a relationship in their mind. But it's easier to get excited when you're at a distance and then, as soon as you actually start connecting and they feel the emotional vulnerability that they're so afraid of, is when they start to freak out right.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

So, just being aware of if someone is just too excited or it just feels out of context, really listen to that, because I think it's easy to let the fantasy mindset I like to call it take over where we romanticize it and we think, oh, they've come to sweep me off my feet. The person I've been waiting for forever, right, and someone who's secure. They're not going to start planning your future with you before they take you out on a date. It's a lot more steady, paced, in the present moment. They're not going to be talking about the future that quickly with you. And you know I do have clients who are dating someone secure and three months down the line they're talking about their future. But that's because they've already built trust in the present moment. It's not like in a vacuum that they're like let's go on this vacation together, but I've only been out with you twice, you know.

Gretta:

Right, is that helpful? It is, yeah, and I'd like to add one more thing. They give you gifts, like really crazy gifts, like maybe an airplane ticket to go do something with you?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah, that's like part of the grand plan thing. Yeah, did you have that happen to you?

Gretta:

Um, not that exactly, but I have been love bomb before, so yeah, really special experience. It is a really special experience Not in a good way.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah, and actually, Gretta, I love that you brought that up. The gift thing, because something that's really interesting is that avoidant types, their love language tends to be gifts, because if you think about it, it doesn't require a lot of emotional vulnerability or presence to give a gift right, whereas something like words of affirmation, right, Quality time those things actually take a little bit more emotional commitment or emotional wherewithal to do versus. A gift is a much easier way to show you care about someone, isn't that interesting?

Gretta:

That is so fascinating to me. Wow, I'm so glad you said that.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Yeah.

Gretta:

So, to wrap things up, is there anything else that you'd like to share with listeners about ghosting or being ghosted on repeat?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

The thing I would love for listeners to take home is that you know ghosting, or being ghosted on repeat. The thing I would love for listeners to take home is that you know ghosting, specifically and especially when it's on repeat right, can feel so personal, right, especially in a dating or romantic context, and it can hurt so much, especially if you are a more anxious type who is internalizing someone else's behaviors as a reflection of your self-worth, right. And so the thing that I think is so powerful about understanding attachment, and the thing that made me fall in love with it, is actually being able to give yourself compassion, that it's not your fault that you are showing up this way, and it's really important to, I think, have the awareness as to why you're showing up that way, but then also be able to find the forgiveness for yourself that, hey, I was a little kid when my attachment style was created. I was a little kid when my attachment style was created. These behaviors I've learned the reassurance that I need is because of how I was raised, and it actually has nothing to do with my lovability or if I'm good at relationships or not, right, and I think that's such a freeing thought because it means we can change it Right, we can. We can start to change things when we understand them right, and it also, I think, is something that you can start to forgive yourself for, because you realize, when you understand the attachment piece of it all, that when someone is ghosting you, it's really not you personally, you as a human being, that they are likely rejecting, it's your behaviors that are reminding them of past triggers they have had, right, and I think it's so important to separate those things Right Again, because it feels so personal.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

When someone ghosts you, they likely are afraid that if they say something, it's going to disappoint you and that will be too much emotion for them because, avoidant types, they are constantly afraid of disappointing people that they love because they think they're defective and don't know how to love. And so it could not be less personal is what I'm trying to say. When someone ghosts you, it's really about them and I used to hear that and it would just like mean nothing to me, because I'm like, how is it not about me, right? Like they were in a relationship with me and they're not choosing me. In fact, they are ghosting me, they're leaving this relationship in the worst way possible.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

How can that not be personal, but again, it's because your behaviors were reminiscent of a past wound of theirs, and your behaviors do not define who you are as a human being, right, your behaviors are these coping strategies you learned when you were a kid and they can be unlearned, right, but it's not who you are as a person. So I find that to be a very comforting thought, and so I hope that it provides your listeners or, if you're listening to this podcast right now, it provides you with some comfort. You know, if you've been ghosted recently, that it really is more about them than you.

Gretta:

Thank you for that. How can listeners connect with you?

Taryn Newton-Gill:

The best way for listeners to connect with me is actually at my dating app challenge, manifest Love on the Apps. So that is where I spend five days with you and I teach you my strategy that all my clients use for finding and attracting more quality partners who are wanting and ready to commit, and so that they can find me at manifestloveontheappstruerlovecom slash register. You can also find the link on my Instagram, which is at underscore truer love underscore. And my next challenge is starting on Monday, november 11th, and it's a lot of fun.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

People leave just feeling so much more hopeful and excited about dating, and I dare say that when people use this strategy, I have been told they never get ghosted again. So it's a bold statement, but I take a lot of pride in that, and I would love to see people there if they want to meet me. That's a really good way, but I take a lot of pride in that and I would love to see people there if they want to meet me. That's a really good way to find me. And then, of course, you can also go to my website, truerlovecom.

Gretta:

Thank you for coming on here and sharing your perspective.

Taryn Newton-Gill:

Thank you, Greta. I'm such a fan of yours and I feel like the work you are doing is so necessary, so I'm really honored to be on this podcast with you. Thank you.

Gretta:

And listeners. Check out at Coping with Ghosting on social media. Join my free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group and share this podcast. I also have private coaching for people who've been ghosted. Available so you can get more information on that at CopingWithGhostingcom. Available so you can get more information on that at copingwithghostingcom. And finally, remember, when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best, thank you.