Coping With Ghosting

5 Signs They're Serious About Commitment in Dating and Relationships with Jonathon Aslay

• Gretta • Episode 71

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What are the signs of a healthy romantic relationship? What should you look for when seeking a lasting commitment? On today's episode of CWG, Coach Gretta is joined by Jonathon Aslay, America's leading mid-life dating coach, to explore how to build a deep, trusting, and compatible relationship. Jonathon has helped people worldwide embrace self-love and create fulfilling relationships through his popular YouTube channel and Mid-Life Love Mastery mentorship program.

In a world dominated by dating apps and technology, how do we form meaningful connections amidst the noise? In this engaging conversation, Jonathon offers valuable insights on ghosting, navigating early-stage dating, and building a thriving partnership.

Don't let ghosting define your dating experience—tune in for empowering advice that encourages resilience and helps you stay on track in your search for love.

Connect With Jonathon Aslay:
YouTube
Jonathon's Website

Connect With Gretta:
Coaching Sessions
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com
Coping with Ghosting offers high-value 1:1 coaching with Vogue-featured expert Gretta Perlmutter, delivering evidence-based strategies that transform personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for change. Gretta’s platform empowers individuals from diverse backgrounds to heal, build renewed confidence, and experience breakthrough personal growth.

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

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Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta Perlmutter:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and today my guest, jonathan Asley. And understanding for anyone who's been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and today my guest. Jonathon Asley and I are going to dive into dating and discuss the five signs that are serious about commitment. Jonathon Asley is America's leading midlife dating coach and through his popular YouTube channel and midlife love mastery mentorship program, Jonathon inspires people worldwide to embrace self-love and build fulfilling relationships. I'm so happy you're here with me today.

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, I'm flattered to be here and I really am excited to talk about ghosting for a variety of different reasons, so let's dive in.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah for a variety of different reasons, so let's dive in. Yeah, so I know we wanted to talk about signs of a healthy relationship. I so often talk about these red flags, orange flags, but I just I really want to like focus on the green flags today and what a healthy relationship kind of looks like and feels like what that experience could be, because so often after we're ghosted, we're just used to kind of just unhealthy relationships and so you're explaining to our listeners what this looks like, what this feels like, I think will be really helpful.

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, I'm happy to help and you know it's interesting. I have a client that called me this morning morning and she's been in a relationship for three and a half months and she sent him a like, a very sweet good morning text, and it's been four hours and he hadn't responded. Conversation is she feels ignored, she feels discounted. All of these emotions, her neuroses, is coming up. She's making up all these stories and the reality is is because of our devices, you know, because of smartphones.

Jonathon Aslay:

We are in a, in an era that didn't exist 30 or 40 years ago, is this instant communication, and it can feel like an abandonment when someone doesn't respond to you right away, let alone decides to end an interaction without any explanation.

Jonathon Aslay:

And this can happen from the first text exchange you have with someone through a dating app. It could be, as in this particular. By the way, in this case he's just busy at work and she's just making up a gigantic story in her head, but the reality is is in this moment she's experiencing that fight or flight, you know, fear, and when someone ghosts you, it's because, most likely, not enough trust was built in this dynamic and I use the word dynamic in that what I really mean in relationship, not enough trust is built, and so because if you experience genuine friendship with someone in a relationship, even if they're ready to end it, they're going to do it face to face or at least a text message, because trust has been built. So we're going to. What I'm going to share is fundamental principles of a relationship that tend to build the deep roots of trust.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Perfect. Ok, let's start with number one.

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, you know, I think it's important and, by the way, there's more than five that I can cover but I think it's important to recognize that for two people to be on the same page as to what they want in a relationship, to be on the same page, and what that means is both knowing what it is you want and the motives behind what it is you want and the motives behind what it is you want.

Jonathon Aslay:

So let me give you an example. I'm a person that seeks a life partner. I want somebody that I could eventually move in together or get married. I'm very crystal clear on what I want and because of that, I am committed to commitment. I want to repeat that I'm committed to commitment when a person has uncertainty to what they want, if they have ambiguity to what they want or they just simply want something casual. When you want a casual relationship, there are no standards because it's casual, it's, you know, can come and go as one pleases, and so, knowing what it is you want and being and then being committed to what you want, and then having somebody else meet, that that's going to put you in alignment with each other from the perspective of a long term relationship.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Great points.

Jonathon Aslay:

Again, this is in no order when I cover these fives. I'd say number two this is critically important, more so now today than ever before is your past pains and fears have been healed? You know we have a significant percentage of the population that are in the dating marketplace who are rather unhealed. We have a significant percentage of the population that are in the dating marketplace who are rather unhealed from past relationships, past hurts, maybe a trauma from childhood. Maybe they have negative patterns or limiting beliefs in their life that makes it very difficult for them to even have the relationship skills to be in relationships. So to have worked on oneself is almost a prerequisite today for human pair bonding.

Jonathon Aslay:

Now I'm sad to say this it's a very small percentage of humans who actually do the necessary healing over past relationships. They just figure oh. What we oftentimes do is we point the problem at the other person and point the problem at the other person, not looking at how we contributed to it, and so there's no healing, there's no forgiveness for the other person. Oftentimes there's no forgiveness within oneself, but there's very little healing done. So they enter into a new relationship thinking, oh, that's going to solve all my problems. And what's the definition of insanity?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Doing the same thing over and over again. Yeah, and I hear you. I mean, I think that processing after a relationship, after a really hard relationship ends, or even after we're ghosted, taking the time to process that and to really sit with ourselves and to have some alone time and to be still and, to you know, maybe go to therapy or see a coach or do a holistic form of healing is really helpful, and I also think we too can also heal in relationship as well.

Jonathon Aslay:

Oh, there's no doubt about it. It's interesting because I have a new theory or I have a perspective. I'm going to call it a theory, but it's a perspective and I could be completely wrong about this. So there are basically two types of love attachment style. There's secure and insecure attachment style, and within insecure attachment style there's something known as avoidant, which also it can be called fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant, and then there's anxious.

Jonathon Aslay:

So within the insecure attachment style, and my theory is that avoidance heal while they're in a relationship, because avoidance tend to be less emotionally expressive, they tend to be more guarded, they tend to have more walls up, they tend to be not as emotionally generous, they don't tend to be verbally appreciative in relationships.

Jonathon Aslay:

So when they're in relationship with an anxious person which is oftentimes the polarity that happens within this dynamic the anxious person is so thirsty for love that they keep giving this person love, love, love, love, love, love, love, which is actually helping that person rewire Okay. So then that person reaches a point of overwhelm and they end the relationship. They avoid it, but they got all this healing while they're in relationship. Well, the anxious person does all their healing in the abandonment of the relationship, because that's time for that person to inject themselves with self-love and rewire their nervous system. Again, this is just a perspective I have, it's a theory on my part. I have no evidence, but it seems to me that this is the unusual dynamic where an avoidant actually heals while, and have some healing while in the relationship, and the anxious person has to suffer because it's usually painful for them to heal after a relationship ends.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, that makes sense to me. I mean I'm definitely relating to that as more. I mean more toward the anxious side. I know we all have a little bit of everything in us sometimes. I mean it can be a mix, but for me I'm definitely more anxious.

Jonathon Aslay:

I'm raising my hand. I am very clear that I have an anxious attachment style. I'd like to think I'm moving my hand. I have. I am very clear that I have an anxious attachment style. I'd like to think I'm moving closer to secure and when I meet somebody else who's closer to secure and then, as you said, in relationship we can do the like, we can do more nuanced healing in our lives, we can begin to operate from a different perspective where we can only get that. And, by the way, here's something I wasn't prepared to share Every couple has differences.

Jonathon Aslay:

Some have big differences with each other. Some have little differences with each other, whether it's personality, the way they do things. You know, I'm a forks down kind of person and I've been in relationship with a person who's a forks up I'm talking about the dishwasher, okay, and an example of a difference, right, and so for me, it's actually a really important thing for me, not that I'm not willing to acquiesce on that one, but let's just use that as a as kind of a base example, because that's the way we do something. There's a way we do things in life, and then there's the way we operate in life, and I'll talk about that as well in a second.

Jonathon Aslay:

First we have to. We might have to tolerate the difference. Okay, like we have to tolerate it, and it depends on if it's more important to one person or the other. How important is to you. But first we tolerate that difference. Next, we try to understand this difference. Okay, and I'll explain my reasoning why it should be this way, and I would invite someone else to use their reasoning why they want to do something a certain way. Eventually, where love begins to reside is when we can accept the differences. Ok, we can accept they like to do things this way, I like to do things this way. Can we accept that? Because if we don't reach a level of acceptance, we will have resentments towards that difference, and I'm using an innocuous one. There are a lot bigger differences out there.

Gretta Perlmutter:

For sure.

Jonathon Aslay:

But maybe we can eventually reach a place of appreciating the difference and then even reach a place of adoring the difference. And let me give you an example of this, and I'm going to use the. This is now a personality difference. I'm going to use the movie when Harry Met Sally to lead my example, and I don't know if you'd seen this Gretta or not.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I've seen it.

Jonathon Aslay:

So Billy Crystal plays Harry, meg Ryan plays Sally, and Sally has a very unusual way of ordering food. Okay, everything has to be on the side, and it was like a long drama. You know experience with the waiter or waitress whenever she ordered food. And at first Harry's like oh, this is repulsive, I mean, it's annoying the way she did that. So he had to reach a place of tolerance for the way she ordered food. Well, as he got to know her, he began understanding what was going on within her, like this is something important to her. So he reached a place of understanding and then he eventually reached a place of acceptance.

Jonathon Aslay:

What's interesting is at the end of the movie and this illustrates a huge component of genuine love in relationship is not only did he reach a place of acceptance, he began to appreciate it and he even says I love it that it takes you an hour and a half to order a ham sandwich. I love it that you think 71 degrees is cold. I love it the way your nose crinkles every time you get stressed out. I love it that you're the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning. You're the last person I think of when I go to bed. In other words, he didn't fall in love with her good qualities. He fell in love with those neuroses, those differences. And certainly what a lot of couples don't do is they rarely ever reach that place of acceptance and even adoration or appreciation.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Right. Yeah, that is so sweet. I just got chills. I love that. Right Like relationship goals man that one's beautiful.

Jonathon Aslay:

Genuine friendship, play and laughter. Genuine friendship, play and laughter. You know, sadly, our current dating environment is all predicated on romance, because today, when we meet total strangers and we know nothing about them and we don't know who they are, what they're about, we know very little backstory about a person about. We know very little backstory about a person. We have an accelerated dating process that hypers focuses on romance or chemistry as the driving force and what oftentimes isn't being built is genuine friendship through play and laughter. And this is just something I've observed, because we become rather an expectation based way of dating. I expect a man to plan and pay for dates and I expect her to dress like all these radical, egoic expectations, instead of truly connecting with someone at a heart centered level. A heart-centered level.

Jonathon Aslay:

And what I've observed is many people enter into the physical relationship well before friendship has been truly established. And the challenge with that is that it can be led to ghosting and I'm going to bring the ghosting conversation If the emotional connection doesn't. Person is the reason why we ghost. We human beings are afraid of emotional intimacy. Many people are afraid of emotional intimacy and, by the way, even I work with women and I witnessed this with women who are afraid of emotional intimacy because of past hurts and pains, and so we are dealing with a very wounded population of humans that have a hard time. They they, on some level, they're almost desperate for love, for validation, because they haven't worked on it within themselves yeah, wow, that's a lot, yeah.

Gretta Perlmutter:

So, uh, friendship, laughter, play, all of that can be a safe or fun, fun way to create emotional intimacy.

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, think about this for a second. Um, I always associate communication with friendship. In other words, I tell my clients, when you are communicating with a romantic partner, it should feel the same way as you communicate as with a friend. The reason being is a friend is somebody you feel safe enough to share, and let's just call it a best friend. Okay, the thing is you feel safe enough to communicate. That's what it should feel like.

Jonathon Aslay:

Now I've observed a lot of women who are afraid to speak to somebody because they're afraid if I say something that will disrupt this relationship, this person will end it. So they don't feel safe. We feel safe speaking to our friends. Why? Because we've built trust. How do we build trust? Oftentimes, social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends. This is how we build trust with another person is through the doing of things together. Sadly, we have a population that spends all day texting with one another, incessant cyber communication or telephone communication. We build trust through the doing of things with another person. Then you get to see the flavor of a person.

Gretta Perlmutter:

You don't get to see a flavor of the person over the telephone in two different zip codes had a little toy pigs at his house and they would oink and he would just go around oinking them at people. I'd be like what are you doing? That's so ridiculous. But I thought it was just kind of charming and he's like, well, I'm asserting my dominance over my neighbors and I'm like this is so silly. But it was just at the same time it was like fun. I felt like we were kids again. It was just like I don't know a new way for me to connect with somebody that was very different than what I had experienced in the past.

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah, you know, it saddens me. By the way, I'm so happy to hear this because it saddens me to witness so many people who've had a relationship end and when I asked them were you really good friends together? Did you guys play together? Did you laugh together? And I oftentimes hear no, you, you really good friends together? Did you guys play together? Did you laugh together? And I oftentimes hear no, they didn't feel that this is after a relationship ended. And when I look at the couples who I personally know in my life who seem to be the happiest, they play together. They play together, some play a sport together, they laugh and play together.

Jonathon Aslay:

I don't think enough attention is given to play and laughter because, sadly, we have a romance based way of connecting which is a false sense of intimacy. Um it, we, you know, we have this. Yeah, um it it, we, you know we have this romance. I believe romance isn't is it to reserve, should be reserved for couples in a relationship, not as an entry point into relationship. And yet every movie is based on this romantic gesture of connection. You know, whereas the Harry met Sally is a great illustration where friendship built the foundation and then the romance happened the minute. Well, it happened a little bit later in the story, but after physical intimacy. But you know, they built that solid friendship there.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Got it. I love it. Hi, it's Gretta. Did you know that I offer private coaching? Hi, it's Gretta. Did you know that I offer private coaching? I'm here if you've been ghosted in love, maybe by a family member, a friend or even someone you work with. My coaching sessions are solutions. Focused Together, we'll explore your goals and work through the thoughts holding you back from moving forward. I provide gentle, personalized guidance to help you rediscover your confidence and live a life you love. One of my clients shared this testimonial with me. He said the exercises Gretta gave me were impactful and I think the biggest impact was made just by talking to her. I would never confide these things to my friends. It's just not something I want to talk to them about. So it was great to talk to her, someone who has been through the ghosting, I seriously appreciate it. If you're ready to start, visit copingwithghostingcom or click the link in the show notes to book a session with me. I can't wait to work with you. Now back to the episode.

Jonathon Aslay:

So the fourth piece of this puzzle is people who have lifestyles that are blendable with one another. Lifestyles that are blendable with one another. You know, I say this because I deal with a demographic of over 40. I'm a midlife dating relationship coach. Roughly about 75% of singles in that dating marketplace are either divorced or they've lost. A significant 75% or more are divorced and or have lost a partner in their life. Okay, so with that, we have people who, the older we are, the more fully curated our lives are, and for a relationship to work, you need lifestyles that can blend with one another. This is why, when I witness so many long distance dating dynamics without any game plan of how to take their two lives to blend into one, without any awareness, without any plan and sadly, women subscribe to this fantasy I'm going to call women out on this. Men don't do this nearly the way women do and women subscribe to. Well, if we love each other, we'll magically work out, because magic fairy dust always works out. You know, love doesn't make a relationship work. Lifestyles that are compatible with one another, that can blend with one another, builds those deep roots of trust. So, and it's recognizing the many facets of one's lifestyle, because without lifestyle compatibility or blendability, you know you're going to find it problematic.

Jonathon Aslay:

Now, 20 year olds are different in this, this category, because 20 year old people, they, they have a different blueprint. 20 and 30 year olds, most 20 and 30 year olds life is still a blank sheet of paper, it's just starting to get formed. But you meet someone 60 years old, her life is grooved, and if it doesn't match your groove, then remember I talked about differences. This is where the differences start really weighing heavily and it's in those differences where ghosting shows up, because you're like, you're having second thoughts, you're having doubts, you're having insecurities, you're having this because you're trying, you can't, you don't know how to navigate this because there are differences and most couples don't know how to communicate their differences in a way to express it, to actually, you know, build closeness with one another. So having lifestyle blendability is critically important.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, that's really smart. I like that a lot.

Jonathon Aslay:

And, by the way, if something is radically important to you then I subscribe is know what your core needs or wants are in a relationship. So, interesting enough, I happen to be back in the dating marketplace. My significant relationship ended a little bit over a year ago. By the way, it wasn't my choice. I wanted to marry this person. They didn't feel that same way and I share this because I'm very crystal clear that what's radically important for me in the future is somebody who does personal development, self-help and spiritual work, because it's such a core facet to my life. And so these are questions I, literally, before I even you get too deep in the text messaging on a dating app, I'm like I put this up right up front because if it's not in your consciousness, then I can't be your teacher in that regard, or I don't think it behooves both of us that I become your teacher in that regard. So these are things that are really important to me because it's a big part of my life.

Jonathon Aslay:

My mission is to be of service. My mission is to encourage a level of a shift in consciousness, particularly using the dating conversation, and why I say this is I want someone who joins on my mission, like if they have a different mission in their life. That's an this is probably the this might be the fifth thing we could talk about is a shared mission, vision, purpose in your life. And having that shared mission, vision or purpose to some degree doesn't have to mean in all facets, but they're joining in with you in that capacity. And so if one of your, like somebody, I knew a woman, her passion was travel. If she had her druthers she would travel three weeks out of every month and she eventually found a partner who was also. That was his mission, that was her mission to see the world. Again, these were people in their 60s, but they shared in that and when you have a shared mission, vision, game plan, you have a greater chance for having harmony versus those that are in two different directions.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, these are excellent points.

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah, you know, here's my take on some things. Gretta Is um, most humans are, don't? They have very poor relationship skills. I'm going to be blunt. Most humans.

Jonathon Aslay:

And it's interesting because women oftentimes over-inflate their capacity to be connected with their emotions or feelings, and I know that sounds like a judgment. Just because you feel your feelings doesn't necessarily mean you actually know how to identify and articulate them. And I only say this because I witnessed so many women who are poor at that. And, by the way, men just stuff their emotions or feelings. That's their way of navigating life, is they stuff it way of navigating life as they stuff it? And often women oftentimes don't know how to identify it, because I think a significant percentage of the population has weak emotional IQ, weak emotional maturity, weak relationship skills. So the reason why ghosting coming back to your podcast title has happened because most people haven't developed the skill to articulate what's causing them to pull away, what's causing them to disappear, and then being able to say it in a way that lands on another person. Oftentimes not enough trust is built. We put more emphasis on sexual connection than we do really emotional connection and building emotional trust, and so no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Right, there's so many problems. Yeah, yeah, I know, I hear you and I agree, and I'm a ghost who's healed. Yeah, no, I hear you and I agree and I I'm a ghost who's healed. So I mean, it's not like I ghosted people right and left, but I think I ghosted like two people and I felt stress, anxiety, shame, guilt around it.

Gretta Perlmutter:

But at that, time I didn't realize, or I didn't understand, that I didn't have to give them a lengthy explanation. I could have just said I'm not in a position to continue this right now, but I thought, for whatever reason, that I had to like over-explain back then, and so I just I wasn't sure, I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to do it, and so part of my mission is also to help ghosts recover and to teach them how to, you know, up-level their communication skills. I think it's so important this stuff should be taught in schools.

Jonathon Aslay:

Oh gosh, Can I share with you a couple stories that I think your audience might appreciate?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Please go ahead.

Jonathon Aslay:

So I briefly dated a woman this is about five years ago and we happened to know each other socially. And then we met through a dating app. But we knew each other socially and so we started to date and we dated. We went out like we would go out for walks on the beach, we'd have a drink, you know, have lunch. We even had dinner a few times and I even invited her to a party, but for whatever reason, after I think it was 10 dates I just wasn't feeling it for her. I was like there was no emotion other than maybe physical attraction was what I was experiencing. So I remember we saw each other on a Saturday night. She stayed the night. No, she didn't stay the night. So I had a Saturday night. Then Sunday rolled around and I didn't message her. But I didn't feel like it was my responsibility to message because the door the door is, you know, is two way. So so then Monday rolled around and and I was just like I'm having second thoughts about this relationship and I'm just like, but I couldn't identify what was coming up for me. I was just processing my feelings and I was just like I'm having second thoughts about this relationship, but I couldn't identify what was coming up for me. I was just processing my feelings and I didn't know what to text her, so I just didn't do anything. And she didn't do anything.

Jonathon Aslay:

And then, sure enough, tuesday afternoon she texted me. She said I can feel you pulling away. And she was right. I was pulling away, I was having second thoughts, I was having doubts and we were having a text message exchange and I wasn't planning on this to happen. But I just eventually said you know what? I'm just not feeling, what I think I should be feeling at this point. I'm just not feeling what I think I should be feeling at this point. She said do you normally know what you feel? At this point I go yeah, usually when I'm excited, I'm like I'm constantly texting you and all that kind of stuff. I just wasn't feeling it. And then she said well, I guess there's nowhere to go from here. I said yes, and then it ended and we haven't spoken since.

Jonathon Aslay:

I didn't like it. That was a text, but in a way she sent, something was off. She checked in with me and when I checked in with myself, I'm like I'm just not feeling the way I should. I think this happens so often when we, when we're not feeling the way we think we should be feeling, we feel this sense of uncertainty, this doubt, these maybes, and it's like I was wrestling with why she looked good on paper. She had that like. I had all these, like it would be great to date her. She lived close by. By the way, living five minutes away like is automatically makes a person from a five to a 10.

Jonathon Aslay:

It looks and I'm just saying that tongue in cheek, because it's a pain in the ass to drive these days, so, but I just didn't know why I wasn't feeling it. And the thing is, this is the tricky part, this is why ghosting happens. Sometimes we don't know how to identify what we're feeling and then, a lot of times, we are not feeling what we think we should be feeling, and there's all this ambiguity, uncertainty, and when we're ambiguous, uncertain, we're in a space of doubt, and when we're doubt, it's like we're in a standstill, when we don't know what to say or do, because we don't know if we should do one thing or another. Am I making sense, by the way, Gretta?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Absolutely. I hear you loud and clear. I get it. I mean it's tough. You're just like oh, should I text them? I don't know what to say. Like I don't know how I'm feeling. It's a bunch of question marks in your head.

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah, and sadly we men and defend my male counterparts, we get blamed for not initiating text. I'm like you guys can initiate text too. You can initiate communication. It's not our responsibility to always be communicating. Now I think it's important for two people to be mindful that the environment we live in today, because of our devices, has created this incessant need for connection because, for a variety of different reasons, we're connecting with strangers. So we don't, we don't have enough trust with a person we haven't, oftentimes we don't live nearby where we can really interact on a regular basis. You know we're not going through a healthy learning curve. We go through this accelerated, unhealthy learning curve and no wonder it's dysfunctional because of that.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah. What about on dating apps, in terms of conversations before you've met someone? What do you think about that? You know?

Jonathon Aslay:

I was just. I was glad you asked this question because I I just got it. This was a few days ago. I had a woman who messaged me on a dating app. First Okay, and that was Bumble, where they initiate, and it wasn't like this overtly know interesting message, it was an okay. I'll give it an okay.

Jonathon Aslay:

I mostly get boring as hell messages which I get bored too, um, or I get bored from, but it was an okay enough and I responded back. And then, when she responded back, I'm like it was flat and I'm like I don't know what to say next, I really like I was indifferent. There wasn't any question. I need someone to ask about me, ask me. I asked her a question, she responded and no corresponding. Hey, what about? At least, if she'd given me what about you? I could have responded and then I would have thrown a question back. And because I believe when we ask questions it's like a, it's like a ping pong game. So so then I'm like I don't feel like responding.

Jonathon Aslay:

So then a day or two goes by and I'm like, well, I, I, I bet you she's saying I ghosted her, which I didn't you know, but that's, I was saying that. So you know what? I wrote a message. I go no-transcript, why I didn't feel like responding to her in the first place. What I'm about to share, I struggle with this because oftentimes, particularly with dating apps, most people you look at their profiles and you go maybe, like that's what you're doing, you're just going maybe. Oftentimes it's rarely like holy shit, I want to meet this person in the next five minutes. It's rarely ever. That it's usually a maybe, and when they're a maybe, then you have to factor in okay, how far away do they live?

Jonathon Aslay:

Got it Because if I can't meet them for coffee in 10 minutes, then I'm evaluating how much do I want to invest in this? And so you throw out a little trial balloon and you ask a question and then you see if they ask you a question back. And then you go through this volley and maybe through this volley of getting to know each other and this is critically important, Gretta the only way you can get to know another human being is asking questions. You can't rely on, you know, just banter, you have to ask questions. That's how you get to know a person. And asking the deeper questions early on behooves you because, remember, I said one of the first. What was the first thing? Sign you're on the same page.

Jonathon Aslay:

Do you want a significant, do you want a life partner or not? Because if you don't, well, I don't know, let's just take it slow. You know, blah, blah. No, you either want it or you don't. If you don't want it, you know, then the way you approach it is going to be very haphazardly. When you want something, you're like look, let's just see if we're on the same page with one another, then if we have chemistry, we've got something to build upon. I believe it's interesting. It'd be nice if you can build a friendship before you meet someone, so then it's safe when you meet them. But it becomes a gigantic buzzkill when you've spent a week or two developing a connection with someone and then there's no chemistry. Right, and some people believe let's meet first to see if it's chemistry, and then that's a double-edged sword, because you might not, they may be missed. This is the. This is the dilemma we're faced with.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, that's especially true for anybody who meets kind of long distance. It's like a cyber romance.

Jonathon Aslay:

So there's an interesting show called Love is Blind. Have you ever seen it?

Gretta Perlmutter:

I have never seen that show.

Jonathon Aslay:

So the Cliff Note version of it. It's 15 men, 15 women. They're in these pods where there's a wall in between the man and the woman, and first you spend a couple of days getting to know the different people in the different pods, talking to one another through this partition where you can't see them, and after about two or three days you start narrowing it down. Who did you connect with on an emotional level, on a communicative level? And then you plan dates with these people to get to know them deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. And then eventually it culminates to where, typically, the man asks the woman to marry them and they get engaged and then, when they've agreed to the marriage, then they finally get to see each other. He usually gets on one knee, he gives her a ring and says would you like to get engaged? Ok, and then and there's give me a minute to share this whole thing they then the, the couples that get picked, go off on a, uh, four or five day, um, honey, not a honeymoon, but a vacation where there's physical connection. If, if they're, if they're so inclined, and then they're required to spend three or four, then they've come back to reality. The, the, the show, rents them, uh, an apartment where they have to live together in the city that they live in for four weeks to see if they get along with each other, and then it culminates to whether or not they get married or not.

Jonathon Aslay:

Now, obviously most people wouldn't agree to do this, but there's some interesting facets of this experience that I think is worth acknowledging. So the idea is can you create an emotional connection with someone you haven't seen? I'm not. I think it's very rare that there is such a thing as love is blind or love at first sight. However, by building a little bit of familiarity with someone before you meet them, at least you build a little bit of that friendship we talked about. Okay, remember, I talked about friendship. If you build a little bit of friendship with someone before you meet them, it feels more comfortable when you do meet them. Okay, now let's just assume you've built this comfort and there's chemistry when you meet. Okay, great, they're going to explore the chemistry piece by getting engaged.

Jonathon Aslay:

And what I like about getting engaged, it's an agreement. We are agreeing to explore this, we're going to agree to explore this relationship and we've got basically four or five weeks to decide if this is worth pressing forward or not. Okay, they have sex. Okay, they go through that experience of the vacation and then they come back and for about three or four weeks they live together. Well, now you're, you're in the nitty gritty. It's the shit or get off the pot. Do we like each other? The pot? Do we like each other?

Jonathon Aslay:

And despite this accelerated learning curve, I think if we did this more often that, by the way, three out of four couples don't agree to marry each other at the end of this experiment I think we would save a lot of heartache, because people will spend months, if not years, in relationships that don't work because they're not accelerating the learning curve. Got it, wow. And again, think about it. They developed a little bit of friendship before they meet. Then they explore the chemistry, they agree to be engaged, which is effectively saying we agree to explore this from a serious perspective. They live together and now they got to deal with each other in this way to see if they're actually compatible with one another, and a lot of times you find all your differences and nuances and all that crap starts coming up. Wouldn't it be better to have a two-month learning curve versus the years most people spend? I don't know, it's such an interesting.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, it's such a fascinating experiment.

Jonathon Aslay:

I agree.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Or experience, I guess.

Jonathon Aslay:

Exactly exactly. I, you know. I believe that, while we shouldn't, I believe that while we shouldn't accelerate the learning curve from an artificial perspective, I think the real challenges were not. Many people treat the dating process very naively, ambivalently, ignorantly. They're not being honest with themselves, nor are they really being honest with the other person. Because we're in this state of, you know, fear, anxiety that we've settled in our past. We've, you know, made poor choices, we're all we're. We're in such a state of anxiety that we're not going in as grownups. Look, does it make sense for us to explore this? And if it does, then let's be intentional about it. That's what grownup dating is.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, I love it. Wow, thank you. This has been so insightful. I wonder is there anything else you'd like to share with our listeners about being ghosted, or ghosting in general?

Jonathon Aslay:

You know. First off, if you've ever I do want to share this If you've ever felt discounted, ignored, someone disappears. I just want to first give you a big, gigantic Jonathon bear hug, because on an emotional level that can be really tough and even when you communicate with someone you genuinely care for and they genuinely care for you, and you don't get a response in what feels like a timely manner, let's just give our nervous system a big, gigantic hug. I'm not here to absolve anyone of bad behavior, but there are legitimate reasons why people pull away. Ghosts disappear. It's because they're scared and they don't know how to articulate whatever it is that's coming up for them. They struggle with their own emotions, and this is true for men and women alike.

Jonathon Aslay:

I think when we can come from a place of understanding and compassion for someone's behavior I mean again, I'm not tolerating bad behavior, abusive behavior, that sort of thing but when we can understand that most people are just scared and we can have compassion for them and we have compassion for ourselves, we can. We can take that risk because, as a friend of mine says to me, love is a risk but it's still the best game in town. It still is. I want everyone to just still hold that that torch of of positive hope. Be a hopeful romantic, because, yes, it's a mess out there. But just like you know I just want you to know you can see the forest through the trees. If you come from a gigantic loving, compassionate heart for yourself and for others, you'll be able to see that needle in the haystack, so to speak.

Gretta Perlmutter:

That's beautiful, thank you. Thank you for that. How can listeners connect with you?

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, my name is listed here, Jonathon Asley. You can just type that into Google. I don't know if you put a link. You can go to my YouTube channel. I do four to five videos per week. I do live streams where you can jump on live talk to me. We have a very friendly discussion there about dating, mating and relating. I can be a brat sometimes too, so I can be very entertaining because I do use humor and expletives to get my point across. So go to my YouTube channel or go to my website.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I love your videos. Yeah, they're. They're fascinating and they're so. They're like edutainment Is that the word?

Jonathon Aslay:

they're like edutainment. Is that the word Edutainment? Oh, I like that Edutainment.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, yeah. Well thank you so much for joining me today.

Jonathon Aslay:

Thanks, Gretta, this has been fun.

Gretta Perlmutter:

And listeners, please rate this show, review this podcast, share it. Visit copingwithghostingcom for free guides, coping with ghosting 101, lots of other great resources to help you as you heal. And be sure to remember when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best. You're just a ghost to me.