Coping With Ghosting

How To Get Over the Person Who Ghosted You

• Gretta • Episode 72

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How do you move on after being ghosted by a friend, family member, coworker, lover, or somebody you just had a date with? How do you know if you're truly over the ghost?  This show has all the answers and so much more. Coach Gretta is joined by Dr. Lilli Niester, a naturopathic doctor and relationship expert with over 10 years of experience studying emotional health and the science of relationships. After earning a B.S. in Neuroscience and Psychology and graduating as valedictorian with a Doctorate in Naturopathic Medicine, she helps people heal from breakups and overcome unhealthy relationship patterns.

Dr. Lilli and Gretta discuss the following:
• What it means to get over someone who ghosted you
• The difference between missing someone and being over them
• Why ghosting can sometimes be harder than other types of loss
• Rituals and practices that can help in emotional healing
• Self-soothing techniques to handle triggers
• Understanding that ghosting is not a reflection of your worth
• Reclaiming confidence after being ghosted

Connect With Dr. Lilli Niester:
Instagram | TikTok | Facebook | Youtube

Connect With Gretta:
Coaching Sessions
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | YouTube | copingwithghosting.com

Coping with Ghosting offers high-value 1:1 coaching with Vogue-featured expert Gretta Perlmutter, delivering evidence-based strategies that transform personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for change. Gretta’s platform empowers individuals from diverse backgrounds to heal, build renewed confidence, and experience breakthrough personal growth.

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Support the show

Ghosted? We've got you covered. Download Coping With Ghosting 101. This workshop's designed to help you better understand why ghosting happens, ways to feel better now, and actionable steps to take your power back. Your purchase will help support this podcast, so it’s a win-win!

Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages).
When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta Perlmutter:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted. I'm your host, Gretta, and this show is all about how to get over the person who ghosted you. My guest is Dr Lily Neister, and Dr Lilli is a naturopathic doctor and relationship expert with over 10 years of experience studying emotional health and the science of relationships. After earning a BS in neuroscience and psychology and graduating as Bella Victorian with a doctorate in naturopathic medicine, she now helps people heal from breakups and overcome unhealthy relationship patterns. Drawing from her own journey of overcoming codependency and self-doubt, her mission is to empower others to cultivate self-love, confidence and emotional healing so that they can create healthy and meaningful relationships and live life with authentic confidence. Thank you for being here.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Dr Lilli, Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be on.

Gretta Perlmutter:

This is great that you're here. I discovered you on Instagram when you did a ghost post and it was like so powerful, I was like immediately invited you to this podcast, basically, so, so happy you're here today and the topic is really important. It's one of the most frequently asked questions and it's all about getting over the ghost. So, in your words, what does it mean to get over somebody who ghosted you?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, I think some people feel like getting over the ghost means that they no longer ever think about them, like all of their memories of them are wiped or something like that. But I think that what it really means to get over somebody that's ghosted you is that the emotional negative charges toward that person have been like neutralized, so you don't have those strong feelings of hate or anger or sadness or shame or even like guilt around whatever happened within that situation, and so everything is just neutral and you can appreciate the relationship that you did have. You're no longer frustrated or, like I mentioned, the other emotions about how the relationship ended and you can just appreciate what it was in the past without feeling emotional about it.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Okay. So sometimes there's moments when I miss my friend who ghosted me and I miss her daughter. It's really hard for me. I feel like I am kind of I've grown around my grief. Hard for me, I feel like I am kind of I've grown around my grief, but I wonder if the moments of missing this person almost to the point of tears. Do you think that a person's over somebody who ghosted, if they experienced that?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

I guess to me being over somebody that's ghosted or the actual act of what happened, the ghosting is different from missing the relationship. So I think it's totally normal to miss the person that you had a relationship with, whether it was a friend, a romantic partner or even like a business partner. I think it's totally normal to miss those good times because there was a reason why you cared so much about them, because you had so many fond memories, because you really got along as friends in whatever capacity that your relationship was. So I think it's totally normal to feel sad still about the things that you kind of lost and the, the life that you imagine that you would have with that person that's no longer there.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah. So I feel like I'm quote over the ghost, my friend who ghosted me, and then I just have moments of missing her, which is normal, and so if somebody is experiencing that, they could feel like, okay, well, I've done the work, kind of the healing work, and I've moved forward in my life and yet this is okay, right, like it's. It's kind of just not something to be concerned by, right.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Right, it's not. As long as you're not getting stuck in the past, you're not dwelling on it, it's not happening, you know super frequently, and it's not interrupting your daily life and your current happiness, then I think that still means that you've healed and you've moved on. It's kind of just like any other relationship that you may have lost. Even if it wasn't a ghosting situation, you may still think back and miss those fun times. And that doesn't mean that you're not. You're still in the thick of like healing from it.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Okay, perfect. I'm glad we really clarified that, because I think some people might be a little confused by this whole concept of getting over someone. And you know, in romance many people say that being ghosted is actually even harder to get over than a regular breakup or a divorce. And why do you think that?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

is yeah. So another thing that I was going to mention just for the last question was, like you mentioned, it is a grieving process and so, just like losing a loved one to death, you'll still have to, you know, adjust your life to that missing person and it's, it is a healing process and you, like you said, you learn to kind of grow. Grow around the grief, and so that's kind of like how it is going back to this question with the ghosting, compared to if it was a divorce or a formal breakup, is that it is almost like they died because they're suddenly gone. You don't get your questions answered, you don't even get a chance to try to convince them or persuade them or figure out what it was that maybe you did wrong and I'm not saying that you did anything wrong and I think that's a big part of why it hurts so much is because you get no explanation.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

So a lot of times we'll take it on ourselves, we'll take it personally. I think that we, it must be something wrong with us and it triggers those abandonment wounds, and so that's why it's also a little bit different from losing a loved one to death, because death in general, as long as we didn't kill them. We know it's not our fault. We know it's just a part of the process of life and we don't take it personally because we're not attached to it in that way. But with ghosting we think it must be a direct reflection of ourselves or something that we did.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, and with divorce and death, you're going to, you're going to get this like kind of normal ceremony around things. Like there's a ritual. People are having divorce cruises, they're having divorce parties. There's in the Jewish tradition, they sit Shiva. There's so many rituals around death. People get burials and services and memorials and with ghosting there's really no formal ritual. Yeah, you're so right. And also like with divorce.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

That's really no formal ritual yeah, you're so right. And also, like with divorce, that's a very long process. I haven't gone through it myself, but from my understanding is like usually there's a long lead up to one person initiating, or both people initiating, the divorce, and then there's the whole process, the legal process of going through all of that. So there's a lot of time to be able to process the emotions and the feelings around it and you get the opportunity in the divorce and if it's a regular breakup, to discuss the ending of the relationship or to get the closure that you're looking for, or a lot of times people will try to persuade the other person to stay. So you get. You feel like you have a little bit more control in that situation, exactly.

Gretta Perlmutter:

And a lot of people feel like they can't get over the person who ghosted them because they don't know why this happened. They never received an apology. What are your thoughts on this?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, I think a really important question to ask is what is it that you're hoping to get from the apology or get from the explanation? So, for example, if they tell you that it had nothing to do with you, that maybe they had a family member die or they lost their phone, they lost all their contacts and I don't know, it was some crazy situation in which they could not contact you. So suddenly there's a reason and it's showing you that it's not you. You feel so much better, right. But in the other context is what if they do tell you it was something wrong with you? What if they tell you that you did something wrong or they don't like something about you? What is that going to change? Are you going to change yourself for them?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

I think it's one thing if maybe you made a mistake or you hurt their feelings, but even if you hurt their feelings, a healthy person should be able to communicate that back to you and you can work on that and move forward together without just completely ghosting and saying, okay, I'm done, I'm going to walk away now.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

No explanation given. So you have to ask yourself is that the kind of person? Are they of the maturity that I want to have a long-term partnership with whatever context that is. The other thing is, if they tell you it is something about yourself that they don't like? One, you're not going to be a match for everyone. And two, are you going to change that thing about yourself? Are you going to go from showing up as the authentic version of you to just trying to be something that somebody else likes? And I think it is so much healthier and better for you to show up as you truly are rather than to mold yourself into trying to fit into whatever the person is that this other person wants you to be, because you're going to end up unhappy in the long term.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, and the person who hurt you isn't going to be the person that's going to heal you either.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, and there's like this story or I don't know what. It is like a little story or riddle or something like that, where it's like the two people that are walking around with, like, the giant masks on, or it's like an image that I'm thinking of. Or there's another one where it's like people with blue skin. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, I don't. Okay, well, so there's an image of like a person. There's two people and they have giant masks and they just walk right past each other because they're both pretending they're hiding behind a mask.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And I think the other story is like you have two people with blue skin, but they always hide themselves. They hide who they really are, so they never find each other. And so I think that's the same thing that goes with this. If you're going to mold yourself to be the person that this ghost or wanted you to be, then you're never actually going to find the right person that matches and compliments you the best. So it's, in a way, it's kind of blocking your own blessing. It's blocking the real happiness that you're looking for.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I hear you, my high school ghost started writing a list of things that she didn't like about me. She kind of listed them off to me before she ghosted me and at the time I took that very, very seriously and I like kept that list. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so flawed and I'm so messed up and like I don't even remember what was on it, but that's so abusive.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Incredibly. That's just intentionally trying to hurt somebody. Yeah, so then the question goes back to why is it that you want this person's approval? Why would you want to keep somebody that is willing to do that in your life? And it also goes back to confidence, like are you confident in the person that you are? Are you confident in your life? And it also goes back to confidence, like are you confident in the person that you are? Are you confident in your qualities, maybe? Maybe somebody doesn't like that you are super talkative or you get so excited about buttons or something like strange, like that. Maybe you have odd quirks, but that's a part of who you are and so why would you try to dampen that?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Exactly. It's so important to be who you are. You're unique. You have your own unique thumbprint and make a mark on society Like this is part of the beauty of life is the diversity within everyone.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, and I think those very unique characteristics can also be used as a superpower, like that can be the way that you weed out the people that are right for you and the people that are wrong for you. So, instead of looking at it like this is my flaw and nobody is going to accept me for this kind of thing, switch your mindset to thinking this is something that I love about myself, like this is my passion. I'm not going to tone it down for anybody, and it's going to help me figure out, actually, who are the right ones that are worth being in my life, like who are the people that I actually want to keep around me?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Absolutely so. The big question is how can people get over the person who ghosted them in, whether it be, love, friendship, family, business. Are there actionable and easy to implement?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

concrete steps that people can do or take to do this Like any breakup or ending um, ghosting, it's all going to be a healing process. So the first step is really allowing yourself to feel your feelings Like. I think it's important not to get stuck in and dwell in the feelings, but it is okay to feel them and so when we feel them, that's how we actually don't get stuck in the dwelling mode, because we're allowing them to rise up and then be released from us. So allow yourself to be angry, allow yourself to cry and be sad and also like imagine that as a purging for you, imagine it as like this is how I'm able to let go of all of these emotions that are coming up. So I think that's the first step. And then the second step is you're allowed to get closure and give yourself closure.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

So I think that if somebody has ghosted you, every situation is different, but I think if somebody has ghosted you, you can, you know, write a formal text or email or however you're contacting them and just you know, you can point out oh hey, I noticed like you didn't respond to me.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

I think that's the first thing is to make sure that they're actually ghosting you, right? Or if they just are busy and they totally forgot, or they maybe they thought they responded to you and they didn't. So, yeah, you can have a formal reach out and then you can give yourself closure by sending that closure message. So in that message you can include like, hey, this is how I'm feeling, I'm very grateful for the time we spent together. I understand if you know you don't want to continue this connection and I wish you the best, something like that and that can provide yourself that sense of closure that you feel like you need and it's up to them whether they're actually going to respond to that or not, but in your mind, that can give you peace in knowing that you did everything that you could.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yes, I love that, and I have a free guide on my website, copingwithghostingcom, under the free section, which is texts that you can copy and paste to literally send to your ghost, and it walks you through exactly what you just discussed, which is at the beginning stages of how do I know if I'm being ghosted, what to do to casually check in and then how to send that text for yourself that states that I haven't received what I need from this relationship. This isn't what I'm looking for, and so I'm moving on and to say it like I'm done and to kind of take your power back in that phrasing of it, like you know, you're not communicating with me and so I'm walking away now. Hi, it's Gretta. You've heard me talk about relationship struggles, betrayal and how to rebuild after those hard moments. But here's the thing If you're ready to take all that hard work you've been doing and go even deeper, I'm here to help you do just that.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I'm a certified PBT coach, trained at the PBT Institute. Pbt stands for post-betrayal transformation, which is the complete and total rebuild of your life and yourself after an experience with betrayal, whether you've been ghosted in a relationship, hurt by a friend or coworker, or betrayed by family. I'm here to help you release the emotional weight that's holding you back. Healing isn't just about moving on. It's about regaining your confidence, rebuilding your trust in yourself and creating healthy boundaries that empower you to move forward with peace of mind.

Gretta Perlmutter:

In private coaching, we'll identify your goals and develop a solutions-focused game plan. Coaching will identify your goals and develop a solutions-focused game plan. This isn't one-size-fits-all advice. This is your journey and I'm here to guide you through it with actionable steps that help you rebuild your life your way. One of my clients recently shared "I was in a relationship with a deceptive man for over a year and a half and he ghosted me instead of breaking up. I love Gretta's attitude. I felt seen and validated. I'm incredibly grateful for her support and guidance. If you're ready to stop letting the past hold you back and start building emotional strength and trust, I'm here to work with you. You can book a private session with me at copingwithghostingcom or click the link in the show notes.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, exactly, that's so helpful to have those text scripts, and it does. It gives you the sense of like I'm taking my power back and it's not in the sense of who has more power in the relationship, but you're choosing to walk away from a connection that's not helping you anymore, like you don't want to be stuck and tied to this energy that is just making you feel bad and making you feel like what did I do wrong? And questioning your self-worth, which is something that won't happen as much if you do have that initial confidence from the beginning. But sometimes you know you have to take a step back in order to be able to heal on your own, and I think it also kind of goes back to that ceremony situation that we talked about is like with divorce you have all the legal stuff. With the breakup, you have usually a conversation, and so it can provide that sense of like finality for you.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And I think there are other ways that you can do that too. Some people like to do cord cuttings so that can be like a symbolic like I'm just going to pretend I have scissors and like, cut the cords from me that tied me to that person. It could be. I think people use actual strings and stuff, and I'm not exactly familiar with all of the techniques. Oh, I am. Let me tell you.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I've done many cord cuttings and I'm glad you brought it up because I've never actually talked about it in this podcast. But there's many, many different types of meditations that are free. My favorite meditation app is called Insight Timer and on there they do have cord cuttings where you close your eyes and you visualize cords, whatever they may be, whatever kind of cords you want, and you visualize them from going from yourself to the other person and then you can cut them or have I guess some cases they have like Archangel Michael cut them for you and you visualize cutting the cord and that person kind of fading away, and so that's your symbolic way to cut ties with another.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, that's really great. Another one I don't know if you know about is like candle stick burning I'm not familiar with that.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

My roommates and I actually did this.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

So you take like two candles and you put like I think it was salt that you put around the bottom of it, and then you put like your initial for each candle and you light them.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Oh, and there's a string that goes between them and so you light them and you just watch them burn down and every candle burns in a different way and it's supposed to be symbolic for not only your relationship but also how you are handling the dissolution of the relationship, and so the way that the cord burns and like where it actually breaks and the way that the candles mount is all very symbolic. It does take a long time, like give yourself probably an hour for the candles to burn, depending on how thick and how tall they are. We use pretty tall candles, but it's also another good symbolic like ceremony that you can do to symbolize the ending of whatever relationship it was and are these insect repellent candles ceremony that you can do to symbolize the ending of whatever relationship it was, and are these insect repellent candles I think we just use like plain, like tall white candlesticks.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

But it was so interesting, like, honestly, what we did. It felt very accurate to how the relationships went and what went down, and even in romantic relationships it's interesting Like there. Sometimes your candle will have other flames that come up, which is symbolic of like other relationships that maybe you or the other person had too.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Wow, that's so fascinating. I love these alternative ways of having kind of like a ritual to give yourself a sense of closure and peace.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, I know, I wish I knew the science behind why that's so powerful, but I don't.

Gretta Perlmutter:

No, it's all good. I mean, I think it definitely works. All of the things that I've done like that have really really helped me just move forward in my mind. And also, what do you think about locking, deleting and unfollowing?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Oh, definitely 100%. I think keeping those ties, keeping those reminders of that person, is just torture for yourself, like there's no reason. It's just like dangling something in front of you and creating an addictive cycle. If you are checking up on them, if you are checking your story views or your post likes or just watching all of their stories, and it's feeding an emotional response from you. So maybe they post something with another friend or they're doing something fun and you're like and it brings up the emotions of why aren't they doing that with me? Oh, they're clearly on social media. Why can't they respond to me? They're having a normal life, like everything looks fine. Why aren't they getting back to me? And it's creating more of an emotional response which feeds into an emotional addiction and just keeps you stuck and tied to that relationship.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

So I definitely think that we should get rid of all reminders and if you have pictures like we talked about, this person is part of your past, they're part of your memories, you had good times. So I'm not saying you have to delete all reminders of them, but put them away. At least file them away, put them on a flash drive or just some files so you're not looking at them every day and you know when, down the line whether it's a year, five years, 10 years and you want to look back at like, oh, this was such a fun time in my twenties, this was my best friend at that time, or this was a partner that I was with at that time. Sure, you can look back then in like fondness, but don't don't give yourself those reminders if you're actually trying to heal and move on.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Exactly, I appreciate one of the dating ghosts that I had, because he took me on a ski trip and I he, he got me some ski lessons and we had such a good time on that trip and I'm like, yeah, I learned how to ski with him and like it was so much fun and and yet he ghosted me. But I'm I'm still grateful for that skillset that I got when I was with him.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, exactly, it's all part of the journey. Even if you didn't go on a ski trip and it was just kind of a day to day, you learned something from that or you got something from it. You learned something from that or you got something from it, and so I think it's all part of your life, so it doesn't mean you need to delete it, like that existed for you.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Everything you said is so on point, and I wonder can people still be triggered, even if they think they're over the ghost? And if so, how can they self-soothe in those moments?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And if so, how can they self-soothe in those moments? Yeah, I think it's super normal and common for people to get triggered, even if they feel like they're over the ghost, because it is one thing to think that you're over something and actually you're not over something, and part of that it's not saying like I'm not saying it's your fault. Sometimes we just we don't realize it and it takes a certain trigger to bring us back, and a lot of times these traumas will get stored in the body and so it's not us, it's not us trying to consciously like be bring it back up, or it's not part of our conscious mind, but it's actually part of our body and so we have to be able to release it from a more like body level in order to actually let go of it. And this doesn't happen all the time. It depends on the level of trauma and stuff like that, but everything really does get encoded into our system.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

That you can do at home is called EFT tapping, so it's tapping on. I think it's like 10 different points on the body and the points correlate to acupuncture points, and so it helps to, um, both regulate the nervous system and release old like traumas and stuck emotions and if you can, if you can go see an acupuncturist or something like that, that's also a great way to release trauma that's been stuck in the body Not necessarily an immediate coping mechanism, but you can also do the acupressure points to help release things. And I just bring this up because this wasn't a ghosting situation, but when I was in clinic, one patient in particular had such a strong emotional release from doing acupuncture. She just started bawling after we hit one point and it wasn't from pain or anything. It was bringing back all of these memories of a very traumatic situation that she went through. So it is very powerful to work with the body and let go of these past hurts. So EFT, that's one way to cope.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Other ways include meditation. If you're doing a daily meditation practice, you do get stronger in your emotional resilience, in your ability to allow thoughts and feelings to come up and let them go, and so you can also practice meditating in the moment. There's various forms of meditation. It doesn't just look like crossing your legs and putting your hands out like this and going om. You can do walking meditations or rocking meditations to get you centered and grounded back into the present moment. And then other there's breathing techniques, so the physiological side, which is where you inhale to 75% or 90% and then you inhale even more and then you exhale strongly out through the mouth.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I'm doing it. I'm doing it right now. Why don't we all just? Can we do it? Could listeners do it if they're driving?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, so inhale to 75%, inhale a little bit more, and then exhale off your mouth. So that's a really good way to get your body back into a calm and rested state, something. So when we get triggered, a lot of times we may have, you know, an over-activated system or feel anxious, and a problem with anxiety is a lot of times we might feel like we can't breathe enough. But the issue is we're actually breathing in too much and we're not exhaling enough. So that long exhale helps to just relax the entire body and let out those extra emotions that are coming up.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Got it. I love it. That breathing technique is awesome. Thank you for sharing it. It's so easy. I could do that every single day, like several times a day. Yeah, yeah, it's really great. Can you please share why you believe ghosting is not personal and how understanding this can help listeners move on and kind of get over their ghosts?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yes, so ghosting is not personal. I know probably everybody has heard this before, but it's worth saying again is that we have no idea what's going on in the ghoster's life. We have no idea what's going on in their mind Sometimes. Sometimes they are too interested in you, they think you're too good of a person that they ghost, and so it doesn't mean that their actions don't mean anything about you. It's not something that you need to take personally, and I know it's one thing to say don't take it personally, and it's one thing to actually feel it and actually feel like this is not a personal thing. So I think it's really important to get over that hump of like knowing this isn't personal and actually feeling like it's not personal. And I think one way to do that at least one of my favorite ways is to use a directed inquiry method, which is just what I call it, but basically it's asking yourself directed questions as to why it's hurting you so much. What is it that you feel like is being triggered? What is it that you feel like is being missing? A lot of times, being ghosted will trigger an abandonment wound, which is very, very normal and common, because we are, as humans, supposed to be social creatures and we want to be in groups, and so, even as children, this is really where it's the most important is that we need to make sure that we are safe and we're not going to be left behind to die, and so, especially as children, we will mold ourselves into whatever is necessary, into whatever role that needs to be played. This is where a lot of people pleasing comes from in order to be safe, in order to ensure that our parents don't leave us, so that we can survive, because at that point we are very reliant on them to provide us all of the necessary things it takes for us to grow up into fully fledged adults. So this need to belong, this need to be part of other groups, the need to have social relationships is ingrained in us, it is part of us, and so, naturally, ghosting will trigger that wound. But we also have to remind ourselves that I think all of us are adults, and so we have to remind ourselves that we are safe, we can take care of ourselves. Our body thinks that we are in danger, but we have to remind ourselves that, no, we are safe, we can handle this. Them leaving is not a threat to our personal safety or our ability to continue through life and thrive and be happy. And so we have to remind ourselves that.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And going back to kind of like the mind-body techniques we were doing, another one is called the heart hold. So you can put one hand sorry, I'll put my right hand on my heart and your other hand on your stomach and you take a deep breath in to your stomach and exhale through your mouth and say I am safe. I am safe. Yeah, very simple. But it's also just a really good reminder for yourself and just asking yourself again like what is it that I feel like I'm missing? What is it about them leaving is triggering me? What is it? Usually, it's this idea of I'm not enough. But we have to ask ourselves is that true? Is it true that we're not enough? Can we be enough and somebody still leave us, somebody still not want to continue our relationship with us? Yes, that is very true. And so, again, it goes back to there's so many reasons why somebody might leave, and just because they don't want to or can't maintain the relationship right now doesn't mean that we are any less worthy of having a relationship with somebody else.

Gretta Perlmutter:

And this is exactly why your Instagram handle is at confidencereclaimed, because you said that so beautifully and that's exactly the type of information that I love that you share online.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Thank you.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, because it really does come from this innate and authentic confidence, let me say that.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And authentic just so we know it's not inauthentic, because when we were babies we came out the most confident that we ever are in our entire life probably, and we can get that back.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

But we come out of the womb, we cry, we say I need this, I need that. Hug me, hold me, take care of me in all of these different ways, and we don't care what anybody else thinks, we just know that we have certain needs that need to be met. We're going to express ourselves in certain ways. We're going to, you know, make little goo goo sounds and funny faces and stuff, and we don't care. And so if we can get back to this ability to be that authentic self of ourselves and I'm not saying go be mean to people or don't care about you know belonging at all in any way, because I think that is an innate need that we all have but if we're able to tap back into that authentic nature of ourselves and know that, no matter what anybody else does, we will be okay, then we can live a much more peaceful and confident life.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I love that. Do you have anything else that you'd like to share about ghosting or being ghosted?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

The only other thing that we didn't touch on that I know you talked about on your Instagram page this week was why does it hurt so much Like? Why is it that the ghosty is the one that has to deal with all the pieces that are left behind and the ghoster can just continue on with their life as if nothing happened? Um, so one thing that I know you share all the time is we have no idea what is going on through the ghoster's mind. We have no idea what's happening in their life. They can still feel the emotions of guilt and shame and everything else associated. So we don't know if else associated. So we don't know if they're actually happy. We don't know if they're just living life as normal and they're not thinking about you at all and they can just, you know, do whatever it is that they want to do. They could still be hurting inside too.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And second is that we, as the ghosty is the one that has to deal with it, because they're the ones that have been hurt in the position. They're the ones that have been left, so it is up to them to work on the pain that is associated with it, because here's also the other thing is that you can get ghosted and it not be such a big deal. And this is gonna vary, especially based on the length of the relationship, the depth of the relationship. But some people it hurts a lot for them if they've been ghosted after one or two dates, and for other people they can get ghosted after one or two dates, still have been interested in that person and want to have continued to go out with them and also be okay with that potential relationship having ended. The pain that is associated with it is more often due to the wounds that are triggered. So, especially in that shorter term relationship, if you know that you're enough going back to that authentic confidence, if you know that you're enough going back to that authentic confidence, if you know that you showed up authentically you and you don't want somebody that doesn't match with you, you don't want somebody that doesn't want you or that can't be emotionally mature and have the conversation, then you know, okay, it's a blessing that they've left my life, because I don't want them either, and so we don't have to get stuck in that pain, because I don't want them either, and so we don't have to get stuck in that pain. But if we are taking it very personally. Then it is again. It's a signal showing us this is the area that still needs healing. This is the thing within me that I need to work on, and, honestly, we can also see that as a blessing and an opportunity for us to heal, because every experience we have can teach us something.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

And sometimes the ghoster they really don't have the emotional connection, like they are emotionally unavailable, or they avoid their emotions, and so they're not going to be the ones that are going to reflect on their actions, because that's just not even in their capabilities at this time. So we can't control them. We can only control ourselves, and because we're the ones that are seeing the wounds that are being triggered, we're the ones that can work on it. That's how we can move on and not necessarily ensure that we'll never be ghosted again, because we can't predict everyone's actions, but we can move on and know that, even if we are ghosted again, we know how to handle it, we know that we'll be okay and we know that we can still be confident in ourselves. We can still be happy and create a life that is'll be okay, and we know that we can still be confident in ourselves. We can still be happy and create a life that is fulfilling for us.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Absolutely yes, and I've been on that ghosting merry-go-round and I know that if it happens again I will be fine because I've done the work to heal and I have confidence in myself and I know that it's unfortunately they're lost because they lost me. How can listeners connect?

Dr. Lilli Niester:

with you. I'm most active on Instagram. My username is at confidence dot reclaimed. I'm also on Tik TOK. I'm on YouTube. The username's a little bit different it's Lillli's natural life right now, but you can also look up confidence reclaimed. And I'm also on Facebook.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Awesome, and I'll put links to all of that on the show notes. And, Dr. Lilli, the holistic work that you're doing is really important and I'm so grateful that you joined me here today. Thank you.

Dr. Lilli Niester:

Yeah, thank you so much for having me on the podcast. It's been really great and there's so many more things we could talk about also.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Definitely, and I hope to have you back and listeners. I invite you to follow at Coping with Ghosting on social media. I'm on Facebook. I'm on Instagram. There is a TikTok. That's not super active, but we're also oh, we're on YouTube now, so you can watch this as a YouTube video, which is so fun. And, yeah, please leave a rating or review for the show. It will help other people who have been ghosted find me and remember, when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.