Navigating Depression After Being Ghosted: What You Need to Know with Jeremy Godwin

Has being ghosted left you feeling disconnected or not quite yourself? If you're wondering whether you're experiencing depression or just going through a tough time, this episode will help you understand your emotions and find a path forward. Jeremy Godwin, host of the popular "Let's Talk Mental Health Podcast," writer and coach/counsellor from Australia, joins Gretta to explore the nuances of grief associated with being ghosted, ways to recognize signs of depression, and practical steps to seek help and foster healing. Listen to discover:

• Jeremy's personal experiences with being ghosted and mental health
• How to recognize the difference between grief and depression 
• Strategies for self-compassion and emotional recovery 
• The role of daily habits in managing mental health 
• Reframing negative experiences into personal growth 
• Encouragement to remember one's self-worth in the face of rejection

This episode will be comforting to anyone who's been ghosted, whether it happened in love, dating, family, friendship, or business. 

Connect With Gretta:  

Coping With Ghosting 101 | Coaching Sessions | Free and Private Facebook Support Group | Instagram | YouTube | copingwithghosting.com

Coping with Ghosting offers high-value 1:1 coaching with Vogue-featured expert Gretta Perlmutter, delivering evidence-based strategies that transform personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for change.

Connect With Jeremy Godwin:  

Jeremy's Website | Let's Talk Mental Health Podcast | Instagram 

International Suicide Hotlines

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Ramos

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals

Chapters

• 6:26 How do I know if I'm facing the blues or if I'm depressed?
• 10:23 Managing thoughts of self harm
• 12:13 How to get help when you think you're struggling with depression
• 15:56 You don't have to do this alone - finding the right support
• 18:20 Take this one day at at time
• 21:05 Religion and spirituality
• 24:28 A very important message for anyone who's been ghosted
• 29:05 How to Connect with Jeremy Godwin, host of "Let's Talk Mental Health" podcast

Transcript

Gretta: 0:54

Listener, discretion is advised. Today's episode covers sensitive topics that may evoke strong emotions, and this content is unsuitable for children. Please prioritize your mental health while listening. If you feel uncomfortable at any point, it's okay to pause, take a break or turn it off. I'll pause now to give you a moment to decide. Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that offers hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's ever faced the painful experience of being ghosted. I'm Gretta, your host, and today we're discussing a topic that's really close to my heart, and that is depression, because many of us, myself included, have felt the weight of depression after being ghosted. And I have a special guest today. I'm thrilled to be joined by Jeremy Godwin, an Australian counselor, host of the wonderful podcast let's Talk Mental Health and author of the new book Life Advice that Doesn't Suck, with his practical research back tips. Jeremy helps people transform their lives one small step at a time. Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, Jeremy.

Jeremy Godwin: 2:19

Thank you, Gretta, Thank you for having me and hello everyone.

Gretta: 2:22

One thing I really appreciate about your podcast are the stories that you share about your life and your journey with mental health, and so for any listeners that may not know you, could you please share some of your experiences with depression and anxiety and how it led you to where you are today?

Jeremy Godwin: 2:45

Absolutely so. I spent a couple of decades probably more decades than I should admit to in public, working in the corporate sector and doing a whole bunch of stuff. That was everything but what I probably should have done for my mental health and really not looking after myself, and eventually what that led to was a total breakdown in late 2011. And it wasn't like I just woke up one day and that sort of feeling that's it. I can't function. It dragged on for probably a good six month period where it was up and down, and that then led to extremely severe depression and anxiety. It lasted for probably two or three years the worst phase of it and it was at the point where, for quite a few months, I couldn't even leave the house to go and get the mail from the letterbox, let alone go out and do the things that I used to do. Even just going to the supermarket was, I mean, it was painful. I needed like three or four days in bed to recover from the emotional and the physical kind of exertion that came out of doing something just like that, and so that really it put me in a corner, because everything I knew about myself had gone out of the window overnight, it felt, and I needed to figure out who I was, as I started to slowly emerge, sort of a few years later, started to slowly emerge from this extreme depression and anxiety, and I had to also try to understand how I was going to live with these conditions. So that took me down a path of learning about mental health. I distinctly remember a day in late 2013, sitting in my therapist's office in a session and all of a sudden I went what you're doing is what I want to do. I had just that little moment, that little crack of clarity had flooded through the darkness and it just felt like a beacon. And so I went back to study which not easy when you can barely function but eventually got a degree in psychology and sociology because I'm fascinated with individuals and groups and, long story short, ended up eventually working in the mental health space.

Jeremy Godwin: 5:06

It took me a few years to really find the confidence and the direction that I wanted to take, and so, in 2019, I was working in a totally different job where I was kind of barely even using the degree that I'd done. I finished up with that job and I just thought I need a creative outlet. I think I'll start a podcast just for something to do, and I was so excited the first week because I got four listens. One of them was me. But you know, hey, uh, but yeah, now I now this is what I do five years later. I get to talk to people around the world and really educate as much as I possibly can around what it means to deal with these types of mental health experiences, but, more importantly, to share my own story along with quality research to show that there is a way to overcome these challenges. Depression isn't the end of the world. You can learn how to live with it and you can thrive in spite of it.

Gretta: 6:05

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I got goosebumps. That is so empowering and such a turnaround. And you're just helping so many people with your podcast. I'm such a huge fan. It's almost surreal to talk to you because I've listened to so many episodes. I hear your voice that I'm like talking to you and it's like wow. I'm kind of fangirling right now.

Jeremy Godwin: 6:24

Oh, that's nice, Thank you.

Gretta: 6:27

Many people listening are struggling after being ghosted. How can someone tell if they're dealing with a temporary case of the blues or facing something more serious like depression, lose or facing something?

Jeremy Godwin: 6:41

more serious, like depression. That is a really great question and, if I may first of all say, ghosting sucks. I have been ghosted myself. I was ghosted by one of my closest friends a few years back and it still stings to this day. So if you are struggling with going through this experience, know that it is okay and you will eventually come out the other end.

Jeremy Godwin: 7:02

But specifically to your question around depression, we have to understand that struggling is a completely natural and common response to loss, not to mention the kind of shock that's involved with any kind of loss, and so there is a grieving process that happens when somebody is ghosted and, at the same time as grieving the actual loss itself and not knowing where to put those emotions that you might have directed towards that individual, at the same time you're trying to make sense of everything, and both of those things take time to figure out. So if you are feeling down, depressed however you want to describe things, it's first of all important to understand that you have to feel what you need to feel and you have to go through that process, and there isn't a pill that you can pop, there isn't a podcast that you can listen to that's going to give you one magical cure. What you need to do is chip away and learn, day by day, how to find a space to accommodate that loss and to process it and work to integrate it into your life and around it. However, back to the question about depression. So when we factor in the fact that there's grief involved grief depending on the length of the relationship, the closeness of the relationship. Grief is not a one size fits all. Some of us bounce back from grief in three to six months. For some of us it takes six to 12 months or more. And that's okay. We all go at our own pace and you have to allow yourself the time.

Jeremy Godwin: 8:47

So two things I would encourage any of you to think about. First is, the longer the relationship, the longer it's probably going to take you to process the loss. And again, it's not just about processing your emotions regarding the loss. It's about figuring out a way forward. And how do you integrate that loss into your life? How do you accommodate the space that has been left? How do you honor the relationship that was, but move forward with the loss actually being part of who you are?

Jeremy Godwin: 9:21

Grief is one of those things that's really hard to put a very specific number on. But if you are finding that you are struggling to get enjoyment out of things that you used to do or you're shutting yourself away from the world and that's going on for weeks and months, that's when the alarm bells need to be ringing, because depression is a completely natural response to grief, but severe depression can coexist and can be triggered or worsened as a result of that grief and that loss that you're processing. So really, those tend to be the big hallmarks. It's that loss of of enjoyment for life itself and it's the just very little emotional or physical energy to do anything. If you're presenting any of those signs, please go and speak with a doctor immediately, if not sooner. Feel free to pause this podcast and go and talk to your doctor and then come back. Hope you don't mind me saying that great now that's great.

Gretta: 10:20

I've definitely had my own battles with depression and I experienced a lot of what you're talking about. It's like changes in my sleep schedule, constant chronic fatigue, appetite changes. I had, you know I did struggle with thoughts of self harm, so I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and I totally agree that if anyone's feeling this and it's happened for a while now definitely pause and get some help, because your life matters. You are so important and you can turn this around.

Jeremy Godwin: 10:58

Absolutely 100%. And if I could please pick up on your point about self-harm and trigger warning to anybody listening here. But, um, I did want to pick that up and thank you for bringing that up, and I myself have been in that position. I talk very openly in my podcast, which is very how-to oriented, and I do talk openly maybe less these days now but about the fact that I have made several attempts on my own life and I'm quite open about that and at first I was ashamed of that and now I see it as an opportunity to help others recognize that they are not alone.

Jeremy Godwin: 11:44

Of therapy and a lot of self-work, I've reached a place in my life where I understand that all of these things have happened and it's part of the process of working your way through it. There's nothing wrong with you if you are depressed or living with anxiety or both, because they very often tend to go hand in hand. So please be kind and gracious to yourself, but never, ever, ever, allow the thoughts that you are alone to take over, because you are not alone. There are people who love you and care for you and will be there if you just reach out and ask for help.

Gretta: 12:14

Exactly, and I'm definitely going to add a link to some of those resources the international suicide hotlines, that type of thing to the show notes today so anyone who wants to follow up can call those numbers. So we talked about a few different ways to get help for those who might be recognizing the signs of depression. What steps exactly would you recommend for them to take?

Jeremy Godwin: 12:43

Great question. First of all, at the very first signs or question marks that you have, start writing down what some of the symptoms are that you're experiencing and just keep a track of your mood. That's the easiest way to start in terms of just developing your own understanding as quickly as possible. Please go and speak to your doctor, your doctor. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to your doctor, you've got the wrong doctor and you need to go find someone new. And I say that emphatically you please do not allow your relationship with your doctor to be the thing that holds you back from having the conversation that you need to have.

Jeremy Godwin: 13:22

I have a motto on my show that's been there pretty much since day one, which is the more we talk about it, the easier it gets, and that has definitely been the case for me. I distinctly remember the very first honest conversation that I had with my doctor back in 2012, where I told him exactly what was going on. I'd kind of like maneuvered around it a little bit and was describing some of the physical symptoms, but without allowing myself to admit what I was going through in my head, and when I actually sat down and spilled everything out, it was like a weight off my shoulders so much that I actually cried after the release of it, and it's the thing that set me off on the path to recovery. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had in my entire life and it's the best conversation I've ever had in my life. The second best conversation is the one that I then had later that day with my partner to then admit everything that I was going through. And so again I bring myself back to that thing. The more we talk about it, the easier it gets, because one of the things that happens with depression in particular is that it thrives on a sense of isolation and you are not alone at all. So talk about it as much as possible. Never be ashamed to talk about it. And then there are lots of other things that you do, and again, I talk about all this stuff in my show, but I just really want to highlight that it's probably going to be a long journey to deal with things, and you need to be mindful of that.

Jeremy Godwin: 14:58

Again, there isn't a pill that you can pop that will magically fix everything. It can support you antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, etc. But it really does come down to putting in the work. So things like therapy and a lot of self-work in terms of constructive self-care, making lifestyle changes. That's definitely a big one. I was in the worst of my own depression and anxiety. I had an ongoing problem with alcohol. I finally quit drinking permanently in 2016. And since then I've managed to stabilize and really get things under control. So you know, getting rid of those unhealthy coping mechanisms is always going to help you along the way as well. I feel like I've just given like a laundry list of things that you can do, but please go talk to your doctor. That's the first and foremost thing.

Gretta: 15:52

I appreciate everything you just said so much, and I think that one day at a time, one step at a time. Maybe somebody isn't ready today, and that's okay. It's just something you can start thinking about. You could also start calling your friends, family, join a support group or an online mental health community. Those are a few other ways to connect with people and talk it out. Unfortunately, so many people don't understand how painful being ghosted can be, so I think that it's really important to try to talk it out with people who are compassionate and empathetic to what you're going through as well.

Jeremy Godwin: 16:38

Absolutely. I think this is the reason why this podcast, for example, is so important, because you are bringing together a group of people to effectively share experiences and to hear from others who have been dealing with similar type of stuff. And the thing with like I said, with depression the same with the way that you process through something like ghosting, which is hugely soul-destroying in a lot of ways it's to be able to recognize, first and foremost, that you aren't alone and that knowledge in and of itself, that it's not just you that this happens to. This happens to a lot of people and it's a really horrible thing that happens. And there are probably 50 million different reasons why people ghost.

Jeremy Godwin: 17:26

Realistically, most people aren't great with confrontation, so they're kind of like shy away from it, but ultimately what it comes back to is you are not alone and learning from the experiences of others. It may not apply to your own situation, but damn, it feels good to know that you're not alone. That's how I felt with depression. It was once I realized that it wasn't just me dealing with this stuff. I, two years into it, I was having a conversation with my aunt and out of nowhere she said oh yeah, I was diagnosed with depression. I was on anti-anxiety and antidepressants for like three years, a few years back, because of this bullying thing at work and I'm like could you have maybe told me that at the beginning, but for her it took a long while for her to feel comfortable.

Gretta: 18:10

So anyway, that's my point yeah, we all need to share what's on our hearts build community.

Jeremy Godwin: 18:17

The more you talk about it, the easier it gets, and I and I cannot emphasize enough what you just said about one day at a time. It's something I talk about a lot in my podcast when, when we think 15 days ahead or 15 weeks ahead or 15 months ahead, that's when the anxiety and the overwhelm often comes in. Realistically, all you have to do is focus on today, right, if you feel rubbish today, you don't need to worry about what tomorrow is going to look like. Just focus on what you need to do to get yourself through today and if that's too hard, you know what? Chunk it down to like four hour blocks.

Jeremy Godwin: 18:51

I have had the privilege of coaching somebody through getting through substance addiction and that four hour block thing works magic. It's something that I applied myself when I was quitting drinking in terms of, and also when I quit smoking a few years back, was to really be able to just say all right, I don't need to think about this evening, let me just focus on the morning is 8am to 12pm. I'm going to get through that and then I'll regroup and go from there 12 to 4, 4 to 8. It actually what it does is it limits choice and it limits focus, and that way the brain can just kind of go all right. I don't need to think about things, I can just bring my focus back to this four-hour block, and that's going to help to keep me on track that's such a good life hack.

Jeremy Godwin: 19:39

Thank you for sharing that works wonders for a whole bunch of stuff, like if you're overwhelmed or stressed with work or whatever the case might be. Just chunk it down to four hours. Four hours hours are easy, right? So anybody coming up to the holidays who has to deal with family just chunk it down to four hour blocks and you'll be fine.

Gretta: 19:57

That's awesome. If you had to pinpoint one habit that made the biggest difference for you in your emotional recovery, what would it be difference for you in your emotional recovery.

Jeremy Godwin: 20:09

What would it be, aside from quitting drinking? No question, there it's the focusing on one day at a time. I am an overthinker and over planner and over talker, as you can tell, and uh, you know my my default space is to go straight to the steps 16, 17, and 18, when I really need to focus my energy on step one, so consciously doing that. So I sit here every morning at the start of my day and just make a plan that is focused on that specific day and I keep it to only two or three things that I'm focusing on for work and personal, and I remind myself of that several times throughout the day. So that has worked wonders for me because it calms my crazy monkey mind that bounces around all over the place.

Gretta: 20:58

Wow, that's really good advice. Thank you. I wanted to share mine Please. I'd love to hear really helped me shift my perspective. The most was actually when I deep dived into religion and spirituality and I started believing in things that were greater than myself, and I found ways to really make sense of the unfair circumstances around me and find deeper meaning in life, and when I changed my perspective and my view of the world and the people in it. I started viewing the people who ghosted me as teachers, and that's that was, I think, the biggest change for me in terms of helping me get out of my depression. It's just how just shifting my mindset.

Jeremy Godwin: 22:04

That is fantastic Any time that we can turn adversity into opportunity, and it takes a long time to get to that point, but I have said this in my podcast a couple of times now. I now look back on my breakdown and my depression and anxiety that followed and all of the other things that kind of came out of that. I'm actually thankful that it happened now. Would I choose it for myself again? No, no, no, no, no, absolutely not, categorically not, so please don't send that my way, universe. However, I wouldn't change what happened for the world, because it has taught me so much and and without it I would probably still be working in the corporate sector, doing a job that I absolutely loathed and didn't realize how much I hated it, and I wouldn't be doing this work that I do, where I get to talk to people from around the world like you and and share our experiences and do something that feels like it's actually making a difference in the world. So, anything that you can do to take a step back and say, all right, this is not great, but what is the lesson here and, more importantly, what is the opportunity? How do I take this and turn it into something positive?

Jeremy Godwin: 23:23

It's why I started my podcast. I wanted to share the information that I had learned, but more than that, I really wanted to put stuff out there. That was what I was looking for. When I was in my deepest, darkest hours, I would sit there on my ipad going through trying to find stuff and majority if it was theory based and you could kind of tell that it was written by people who hadn't experienced what it was like to not even be able to drag yourself out of bed for the fourth day in a row, and that's the stuff that I needed. And so when my brain kind of started clearing up enough to to be more communicative, that's when I went went all right, well, what do I do with this and how do I put it out there? And so there are opportunities in everything, no matter what.

Gretta: 24:11

Yes, and you've done such an excellent job. Everybody who hasn't listened to the podcast, please go. I'll put a link to your show in our show notes as well. It's amazing. I love it. Thanks. What words of comfort would you like to share with listeners who are really hurting after being ghosted?

Jeremy Godwin: 24:29

I know you've probably heard this a thousand times and if you haven't, you're probably going to hear it a thousand times, but I need you to hear this from the heart it really does get better. It's just that it takes time, effort and perseverance. That's kind of the bit that people don't add on to the end of it, because it's easier to tell someone oh, it gets better, you'll be okay. But take it from somebody who has been there. It's the time, effort and perseverance part that actually helps you to recover, because when you put in the work and the effort and the energy that goes in processing this stuff and healing from it, that's actually what creates the healing itself. It doesn't just happen because time passes. You put in the work and that's when you feel that you've made steps forward, because every single situation will help you to move forward if you apply the effort and the energy and it's so worth it it totally is, it totally is.

Jeremy Godwin: 25:34

And then you'll be able to get to talk to other people and say, ghosting sucks. And what can I do to support you?

Gretta: 25:41

Is there anything else you'd like to add about ghosting, being ghosted or dealing with the aftermath?

Jeremy Godwin: 25:49

Yeah, look, other than saying that ghosting sucks and it should be banned, what I really want to say is that please understand that the choice to ghost is that person's choice. It is not a reflection on you. There is nothing wrong with you. It is about them and where they're at in their life, and so the thing that's really hard to get our heads around is that it feels really personal, but it's actually not, and so remind yourself of that, understand that, and I know that for most people it will take time for you to be able to not only hear that and process it but integrate it and actually accept that as a fundamental truth.

Jeremy Godwin: 26:36

But the more you remind yourself that this isn't actually about you, it is them and where they are at, the more that you can start to get away from the really challenging mental health stuff that happens with ghosting, right where we start to question our worth and our validity and our identity and all of these things. No, no, no. Do not ever let somebody take away your sense of self-worth, because they made a choice based on who they are and where they're at in life. The fact that they don't like confrontation, or whatever the case might be, got nothing to do with you. You're just an, you're just the recipient of what happened, all right, and you remind yourself that and you will be okay yeah, it's not your fault.

Jeremy Godwin: 27:19

You didn't deserve this now I could have just said it's not your fault, but I said it in about 500 words instead. So you know you did not deserve this.

Gretta: 27:27

Yeah, and I like how you elaborated on it. I like all of the points that you just made. It's so important and I never get tired of hearing it because it's just such a validation for me that it really wasn't my fault, such a validation for me that it really wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I was on a haunted merry-go-round of ghosts constantly treating me like with disrespect. I just yeah, it never gets old for me. It wasn't your fault, so important.

Jeremy Godwin: 27:54

I mean, I'm six years on from the last time that I spoke to my friend and it's still. I'll be making coffee and it'll pop up right. Or I'll be doing the groceries and it'll pop in my head and I'm like, where did that come from? For starters. But also, it's okay, don't think that there is a timeline on your processing of this. And even when you process it, it's like a whack-a-mole game. You're going to have to probably bop it on the head quite a few times over the next couple of decades. And that's just part of the process of dealing with these memories, because the brain likes to pop these things up and go hey, remember this because it's trying to keep you safe. But just remind your brain I'm okay, I'm processing things, I'm good. Thank you for reminding me of that horrible, painful time in my life, but I'm good.

Gretta: 28:39

Yeah, yeah, I've grown around my grief as well and sometimes I still have nightmares about the people who ghosted me, but it's, they're far and few between. So I think that the more healing we can do, the better, so that the thoughts kind of dissipate.

Jeremy Godwin: 28:58

Yeah, absolutely, I completely agree.

Gretta: 29:02

Well, how can listeners connect with you?

Jeremy Godwin: 29:06

uh well, first of all, as you mentioned, there's my podcast let's talk about mental health, which is available on all the platforms, as well as youtube music and amazon music. I also do a weekly video on youtube, so you can find me there, but the best place to find me is on Instagram at LTA Mental Health, or you can just head over to my website at ltamhcom.

Gretta: 29:28

Lovely. Thank you so much for joining me today. This has been incredible. I am so grateful that you took the time to be here and, yeah, I just I'm so thankful.

Jeremy Godwin: 29:41

Thank you very much for having me. I really appreciate it, Greta, and all the best to everyone.

Gretta: 29:45

And friends. I invite you to follow Coping with Ghosting on social media. Join my free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group and please leave a rating for the show, because many listeners have told me that they wish they discovered this podcast earlier, when they were first ghosted, and so by leaving a rating and a review, you can help make this podcast more visible for those who truly need support now. So thank you so much to everyone who's already left a review or plans on leaving a rating for me. And finally, remember, when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and with others who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best. You're just a ghost to me.