Coping With Ghosting

How to Break Up With Someone: A Step-by-Step Guide

• Gretta • Season 1 • Episode 78

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Ending a relationship is never easy, but doing it with dignity and respect can make all the difference for you and the person you're breaking things off with. In this anti-ghosting episode, Gretta interviews relationship experts Dr. April Brown and Kanya "Coach Kay" Ford, who share their profound wisdom on how to break up nicely and not resort to ghosting. 

Discover:

  • How to know if you should break up with someone
  • Practical strategies to prepare for a breakup
  • How to structure a breakup conversation with respect and clarity
  • What to do about no contact
  • How to heal after a breakup 

Dr. April Brown is a Licensed Mental Health Christian Counselor, National Certified Counselor, Certified Sex Therapist, Approved
EMDR Therapist, Gottman Level 3 Therapist, and a Qualified Clinical Supervisor. Coach Kay owns Love & Intimacy 101, LLC, a life, love, and intimacy coaching practice. Together, they co-host Bringing Intimacy Back Podcast. 

Connect With Gretta

Coping With Ghosting 101 | Coaching Sessions | Free and Private Facebook Support Group | Instagram | YouTube | copingwithghosting.com

Connect With Dr. April

draprilbrown.com/ | Facebook | Linkedin | Instagram | Twitter 

Connect With Coach Kay

Instagram | YouTube 

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Ramos

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools. Coping With Ghosting does not provide health care or psychological therapy services and does not diagnose or treat any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or registered professionals.

Ready to heal, improve your confidence, and regain your power after being ghosted or betrayed? You don't have to heal alone. Book a coaching session with Gretta here.

Want to feel better after being ghosted? Coping With Ghosting 101 downloadable  workshop will help you take your power back today. 

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Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages). When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted, betrayed or left behind. I'm your host, greta, and today's episode is all about how to end dating and romantic relationships with dignity. This is the opposite of ghosting, and I'm so excited to be joined by two incredible guests Dr April Brown and Kanya Ford, also known as Coach K, both hosts of the Bringing Intimacy Back podcast. Dr April Brown is a licensed mental health Christian counselor, national certified counselor, certified sex therapist, approved EMDR therapist, gottman level three therapist and a qualified clinical supervisor. She has a thriving group practice in Cape Corral in Sarasota called Cape Corral Therapists. Furthermore, she offers couples intimacy retreats through her business called Vacation Counseling. She provides a free podcast called Bringing Intimacy Back, which I was on, and she has released her seven eBooks on improving intimacy. I'm just so impressed. Lastly, she has created personal intimacy and partner intimacy assessments and resources to help individuals and couples with all aspects of intimacy. Thus, she is known as the doctor of intimacy.

Gretta:

Kanya Ford, best known as Coach K, is the owner of Love and Intimacy 101 LLC, a life love and intimacy coaching practice based out of Richmond, virginia. Coach K earned an MS in human resources management and is a certified clinical sexologist and master sexologist. Additionally, coach K is a business coach and mentor through her company Business Solutions LLC. She enjoys supporting new and budding businesses with building firm business foundations. Thank you both so much for being here. It is so wonderful to have you with me today.

Dr. April:

Oh, thank you for having us.

Gretta:

Absolutely yes, and I just want to dive straight into these questions, these anti-ghosting questions. I hope people will listen to this instead of just, you know, going to the vanishing act, and they'll take notes on how to end relationships with dignity. So my first question is how can someone tell if it's time to end a romantic relationship, either dating or long-term, or if it's better to communicate dissatisfaction and try to work things out?

Coach Kay:

I'll jump in To me. You would know when it's time to end that relationship, when you're living your life as an abused person, but you're really not getting abused, so you always feel like there's just pressure on you. When you're out in public, if you're able to speak freely, be yourself, when you're at home, you just feel like I'm just here. I do believe that you should speak up on any dissatisfactions in the beginning, not when they bother you so much that you're ready to leave. In the beginning beginning, we have to understand that there's no such thing as picking your battles. You speak up in the beginning and say here are my standards, these are the things I do like, these are the things I don't like. You can set that tone early and once you get to the place where I have taught, I have spoken, I have asked and now I just feel like I'm full of anxiety whenever this person's around. It is time to do what's best for me and part ways.

Dr. April:

Yes

Coach Kay:

, and I would ditto that and I would say when you feel like you've lost yourself, you know, when you're becoming someone you don't even know, it's a really good sign that this is not the relationship for you. When you also are in love with their potential and not for who that person is, right, then and there. I think that's also just a great sign. When, and especially, it's hard sometimes for people when they're living together, you know, but you're like dreading to come home and home it's not safe, you know. Or if you're not sleeping and you're not eating and you're not taking care of yourself, yeah, and you feel like you're drowning. I think that's another way.

Gretta:

Y eah, I think those are all really good indicators that it is time to end things Absolutely when the relationship is just causing you more distress than peace. Yeah, so then how can someone handle the fear of hurting the other person when they do want to end things?

Coach Kay:

Now, that's a good one, because I think that most people stay too long because of that. The hardest thing to recognize is we would rather hurt ourselves and continue to hurt ourselves over and over because we can take it, versus just being honest with the other person on the thought that it might hurt their feelings. Because just pretty much, growing up, you were always taught you love your neighbor as you love yourself, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You know it's always about the other person first and all the things that you've ever were taught Be nice to people, be kind, but we don't do that to ourselves. We're not kind to ourselves. We don't do unto ourselves as we would have people do unto us. We don't love ourselves more than our neighbor.

Coach Kay:

We're not okay with putting our mask on first on the airplane. That's still a oh, wow, well, can I help? So-and-so. So that fear will always be there. But if we realize that, if I say hey, I don't like you anymore and they're still standing up breathing, they didn't die. So if we think more like, if I say this thing, will they pass away? The answer is no. You may feel like you're that important that if you walk away they can no longer function. I would say for that, get over yourself. It's okay, walk away, because, for all you know, you're giving this person a huge relief, like, oh, I thought you'd never say it. We don't belong together.

Dr. April:

Right,

Dr. April:

and just what Coach Kay was saying. What I was thinking is you're setting them free and sometimes that is a really good thing, because maybe they're struggling too, you know and so you're setting a boundary and saying, hey, this is not going to work out, it's been good, you know. You say the good things that have happened and you thank them, but then it's like you know, this is not it.

Gretta:

It's an act of courage to do that. It can be really scary.

Dr. April:

Yeah, but it's necessary because if not, then you go years and years and years and if you're thinking, if you're just staying together, especially when people have children, they think I'm just going to stay together because we have children or stepkids or whatever the case may be. But that's actually doing more damage because the kids are watching and they're thinking this is what a relationship is. So it's not helpful just to stay together just for the kids 1000%.

Coach Kay:

I even did a whole video on that. Leave the kids will be okay. You're doing more damage to these children because then, when they realize they're unhappy, oh, they're unhappy because of me. Mom stayed because of me. She couldn't get her life going because of me. Dad's angry all the time because of me. It's not fair to your children. Don't use them as a scapegoat. Just go.

Gretta:

That's excellent advice. Thank you for that. Yeah, I'm glad you brought up children, because that is very important. What is the best way for someone to prepare emotionally before they break up with someone else?

Dr. April:

I would say one of the things you can do is to start the grieving process, whether it means to start to journal forward into a journal. You know um saying goodbye, you know preparing yourself for that. You know what I'm saying um understanding the reasons why. You know I even say sometimes it's good to um when you feel strong, you know for sure I'm leaving this person. It's to do even a short little video to yourself so you remind yourself. You know the reasons why. So when you're weak and you're like, oh my gosh, I miss the person, you have that strong because people listen to themselves more than anybody else. So you have the strong self talking to the weak self.

Coach Kay:

Yeah, I love that. I love the video idea is so smart. And when you said journaling, yeah, writing down the bullet points of the why, the why is probably the most powerful thing when it comes to having it all together up with opinions all day long. We can do the weighing of the pros and the cons and of course, the pros will always look way bigger and better than the three little cons, but those three little cons can be what's completely depleting you. So if you're writing down your why and those three cons have kept you in a stress-ridden muscle, tenseness has caused you to lose family and friends, has caused you to completely lose sight of who you are, if those are the whys that you've written down bullet, point that out and utilize that when it's time to have that conversation, even talking with a trusted and unbiased friend and I say that slowly, on purpose, a trusted and unbiased friend Running the idea through them so that you can understand and hear it back.

Coach Kay:

Because sometimes, when you you can say it all day long, but sometimes, hearing your relationship told to you from someone else, you're like, oh, my gosh, who the heck stayed in that situation that long? And it's like, oh, you did it. And if you don't have that trusted, unbiased friend, go to the bathroom mirror and create a new trusted and unbiased friend in yourself and have that conversation with yourself. This is why I need to step away from this situation, that dream job that I had that I no longer have, the opportunities I've missed out. You know the loss of this really sacred friend that I had.

Coach Kay:

So I love the journaling, I love the video, having the why and having that right near you, having that trusted, unbiased friend, having all those resources right there with you and give yourself a solid date. I am going to do this by this time, no matter what, because if you just put it in the air, I'm going to do it. Tomorrow turns into a week, a week turns into three months and before you know it, you guys are bringing in new years together miserably because you didn't do it. So Saturday Right, and I was just going to say, if you can't, find a trusted friend.

Dr. April:

Right, and I was just going to say, if you can't find a trusted friend, whether you find a relationship or a personal coach or a therapist, you know, because you say, oh my gosh, I can't do it, I can't even look myself in the mirror, then you really need to get some professional help, because it does impact your mental health and your well-being.

Gretta:

Great, solid tips, thank you. I especially love the date. You need to commit to a date. It has to be done, it's so important and tell your friends beforehand this is the date. Can we hang out?

Gretta:

afterward.

Gretta:

Yes. So what's the most respectful way to end things with someone you're dating or in a long-term relationship with?

Dr. April:

I think the most respected is setting up a time for you guys to talk, if you can, and face-to-face, and it doesn't necessarily need to be at either one's house, but maybe sometimes a public setting. You know, I mean, that's the most respected way to do it. Yes, because then you each get to say what happened and be how can I put it? Also, own up, you know, say it from. I feel such and such. This is yes, and then respect the other person and sometimes you can have to agree to disagree. Some person may say I don't want to break up with you, and if you feel like this is what I have to do.

Coach Kay:

Yeah, that's it. That listening part, being clear on the very front end, to the very end, is very respectful, not going in cloudy with a maybe could I wish. All of that is that ship has sailed. So when you're walking in, you should be walking in with very clear indications of what this conversation is, that at the end of it it's going to result in a separation and saying in that mid piece I absolutely would love to hear from you, but still having the understanding that, no matter what, this was a conversation, I began to end things with you. That's going to be huge, but being able to hear that other person out is going to be great.

Coach Kay:

Being okay with keeping it short and sweet there's no reason to draw anything out. If you're meeting in that public place you know, at the park, even if it's at a restaurant, Don't order food. You can get you a water or a drink to drink and then that's it. Sit out on the. You know they have a patio part. Sit out in the open but walk in clear. Be OK with it being short and sweet. In fact, schedule you something right afterwards. That way you have a hard stop. I'm meeting with you today. I do have to meet with such and such the contractors will be there at this time, so I have a hard stop at this time. The purpose of this conversation is X, y and Z, and then you can go from there, set your timer, make sure that there's something that will alert you when it's time for you to end that conversation and, no matter what's open, end it right there.

Gretta:

That's so smart.

Dr. April:

Yeah, if you forget what you came in there for you know, have notes. Yeah, so look at your phone and have notes. Yeah, definitely.

Gretta:

Yeah, and then, when this is all over, should they agree to stay in contact or is it best to go? No contact.

Dr. April:

I think at first it's best to go no contact. Yeah, you need time to heal, whether, it's, you know, two years later you guys can, you know, talk. But you need time and you need space. You know you can't comfort someone where you're just that person. You're hurting, they're hurting, it's just, it's going to be. Yeah, you're going to fall back into something.

Coach Kay:

Most definitely. Time apart is everything. That's just like time, just alone period. We're not jumping into the next relationship. We're not looking to just someone at work the coworker, the work husband or the work wife being our confidant. We're not looking for that.

Coach Kay:

Lean into yourself and be very clear. I will let you know. I am purging you for at least six months. So make it clear that that's what's happening, because I need to work on myself, I need to rebuild myself. When you say things like that to the other party, how they respond will be a very good indicator. That damn, I did the right thing because this person is combating me. When I'm saying I need to purge you for six months to work on me and they're combating me, I made the right decision. And if they say you know what, I think that's a good idea. I would do it too. So after that six month period, you might say you know that was someone that understood that I needed to do this for me. Now I have a. I can make a very clear decision of if, after that six months, I want to have any type of communication or I want to just say you know what I've been doing real good and keep it pushing.

Gretta:

I've done that before. It's really hard and it's really hard to not look at them on Instagram and stalk their social media because I want to know what's going on in their life.

Dr. April:

Yeah, so, like you, like you just bring up, you should delete all the social media. Yeah, yeah, the social you just bring up you should delete all the social media.

Coach Kay:

Yeah, the social media connection is difficult and you will have those friends that know that you guys broke up. And I say this because I work with a young lady and we're going on a year since kind of things went a little sour in the relationship and almost a full year someone sent a screenshot of a post. Now she had already. She blocked all the way around and I said to whoever that is you can say to them that I know you think that you're doing this for me, but what you're doing is really hurting me, so I would prefer that you not send me anything else unless it is a threat to my life or anyone that's in my life, because that's the other thing. You can block people but your friends feel like they're doing the right thing. Ooh, look what they're doing. Ooh, yeah, this is just it, don't.

Coach Kay:

So once you have that conversation with your partner that you're separated from, tell your friends and family I'm purging this person. I don't need any information because you're you. This information is coming from a good place, even though they're not looking to do you harm. It's not a genuine, true place that involves your healing. It is a messy place of, they're not even doing good. You don't need messiness when you're healing, when it is time to rebuild you. If you're adding that messiness from the friends into your rebuild, you're going to turn around and get the same person out in the world your next relationship. So that might be even a time to look at your friend group, because you attract what you exude, and if they're feeding this foolishness into you, your next relationship will probably be foolishness as well.

Gretta:

I wish I would have set that boundary immediately after I had a breakup in the past, because that exact same scenario played out, where my friend sent me pictures of my ex and his new girlfriend and I was like I don't actually want to see this. Yeah, how can listeners take care of themselves after a breakup, both emotionally, mentally? I'd love to hear your thoughts on guilt, self-doubt and other emotional fallouts after breaking up.

Dr. April:

I think part of it is going back to your purpose, you know, and journaling out all that negativity, but also learning how to build yourself up. You know, spending time with self If you have any spiritual backgrounds, spending time in nature or, you know, with loved ones, and then also really kind of looking at your relationships and seeing if there's any kind of patterns really helps. Also checking to see like what do I, what am I really looking for? You know what I'm saying, what was the good things about this? What didn't work? Kind of doing a full blown assessment. And then also I'm a proponent of writing down what you're looking for for sure.

Dr. April:

Especially after a breakup, you're kind of vulnerable and when you're vulnerable and you're going to a grocery store or go somewhere, you end up picking up junk unless you really write down and know specifically what you are. Each relationship should teach you and should get you closer to what you are. Does that make sense? Yeah, and realize that it takes time. It does take time to heal Because if you don't take time, you're going to, like Coach K say, attract the same drama. So you need to take time to heal.

Coach Kay:

Being okay with going through the five stages of grief. We only talk about those that grief and of course there are many other stages, but we're talking like the core five and we only think about grief when someone passes away, someone dies, but if you think about it, about that relationship just died. So why are you also not okay with going through the stages of grief? The clients I work with when their relationships end, we talk about that and going through those stages and understanding that today you may wake up at a four I'm at the fourth stage Feel relieved and three weeks later you may wake up at a one and you're ready to crash out. You're ready to just go after everyone like, ah, you know, and being okay, knowing that I'm going to fluctuate and I'll know when I'm coming out of that. When every day is a five, I'm walking in a five and it could be a year later that you jump back to a three. Things like that really do happen. Triggers really do happen. When you're, when you are in that space of OK, I'm back at a three, Like Dr April just talked about, what in my environment has triggered me to come back to this place?

Coach Kay:

Is it that one friend that every so often they trigger me because they were also a major part of my relationship at that time. Now my spidey senses should be going up. What is it about this person who I kept around that I'm still getting triggered from someone who I dropped off? Because sometimes ending the relationship doesn't just start with just the romantic partner. It could be the people that you all picked up along the way. It could be the person that was already in your corner, but they got super close to your partner and so they no longer serve you in a meaningful or positive capacity. So I love what Dr April said about checking your surroundings. That part matters. Who is the person that is supporting me, versus just waiting for me. You want the one that's supporting your healing, not waiting for you to finish healing so y'all can go party, or y'all can just go out and pick up the next person, or you can go back to the way you were, which was doing everything for them.

Coach Kay:

So reevaluating your entire circle at that point, getting back to the basis of you exact same thing that Dr April said knowing who was I before I meshed into this person. Before I meshed into this person, who do I want to be. What path was I on that? I stopped walking. Is there another path for me? How do I learn how to love me so much that I'm okay with being alone and not feeling lonely? So a lot of that self-evaluation, finding those conferences there could be conferences happening. There could be conferences happening. There could be webinars that are coming up, Investing time and money into you to say I'm going to go to this conference and I'm going to get out of it exactly what I need from me, Because it could have been me in that relationship the whole time. That was really jumping it up. So when I recognized it was me, just went to this place and it was me. So now I need to work on that thing.

Gretta:

I love those questions that you asked. Listeners rewind and answer all of those. I mean, wow, that's gold. Thank you. Well, is there anything else you'd like to share with the listeners about ending relationships, breakups or even ghosting?

Dr. April:

You will get through it. I mean, it's happened to all of us, yes. I mean I remember like five, six years ago, it happened to me, yes, and so, um, taking that time to just heal and to be like I would say, be by yourself, you know, exploring new things, you know, um, and being, knowing that, hey, that you two will find love some someday may not happen, like you know there, but it doesn't make sense to settle in something because you're like, oh my gosh, I don't know if I should break up with this. I'm really not happy, and maybe the person isn't abusing you. Those are like what I call like D and F relationship. Maybe it's just a C relationship and you're like roommates, but it's not what you're really wanting. Yeah, it's okay to say, hey, this is not for me, don't settle.

Coach Kay:

Definitely don't settle because it never works out in the end. So to anyone who may be dealing with ghosting or who need to end the relationship or who has or it has ended for you, for you, I mirror that same thing. It will be okay. It is easier said than done. You have to do this on your terms, at your pace.

Coach Kay:

It is okay to shut people out when you open your shutters back up. Who is still there was meant to be there from the very beginning and they're going to rock with you, no matter what. It is okay to put you first. It is okay to not answer questions when people ask you. It is okay not to involve people in your business. It is okay not to accept other people's business during the time that you are going through what you're going through. All of that is perfectly OK. What people may say about you, don't let it matter, because you know what you are, you know who you are, you know who you are, you know why you are. And if you don't, then it's time to go back to that bathroom mirror and have the conversation with that amazing person that is looking back at you and try to figure those things out.

Dr. April:

Yeah. And one thing Coach K said that just reminded me it's also good, I think, to have a one liner. So when people actually, oh, what happened to your relationship, you already have a one liner that's memorized, that you don't. You can just spill off and not have any emotional reaction versus how you're feeling that day, and then you give this long drawn out whatever. I already have something memorized. So it's quick, fast. Yes, I think definitely yeah, and it's okay to take yourself out of dates. I mean, I think that is one thing. Yeah, yeah, you should live your life like you already have someone there.

Coach Kay:

I like that, I love that and that one line, I love that, I love that and that one line, I love that.

Gretta:

I wish I would have heard this conversation years and years and years ago. It would have helped me so much. Well, this has been amazing. So I wonder how can listeners connect with both of you?

Dr. April:

With me. My name is Dr April Brown, and so if you want to connect with me, just go into my website at wwwdrapilbrowncom.

Coach Kay:

And to connect with me. I'm Konya, aka Coach K. I am on all social media platforms, literally all of them. If you look under Coach K 101, c-o-a-c-h-k-a-y-1-0-1, or you can just go to the website Love and Intimacy 101. And it's 101 because we all need to get back to the basics Love that.

Gretta:

Thank you both for joining me today. This has been great.

Dr. April:

Thank you for having us. Thank you for having us, yes.

Gretta:

And friends. I'd love for you to follow Coping with Ghosting on social media and join my free and private Coping with Ghosting Facebook support group. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating, because it's going to help people who need it find it. And finally, remember when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.