Coping With Ghosting

From Confusion to Confidence: A Conversation with Giovanna Silvestre

• Gretta • Season 1 • Episode 80

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What if confusion is a virtue? In this episode, Host Gretta interviews Giovanna Silvestre—creator of Confused Girl in the City and author of the new book Confused Girl: Find Your Peace in the Chaos. Together, they explore how the uncertainty that follows ghosting and betrayal can become a springboard for positive transformation. Giovanna offers a refreshing, hopeful perspective for anyone who’s been ghosted and left questioning their worth.

Tune in to discover:
✨ How to reclaim your voice after being ghosted
✨ Practical strategies to rebuild self-love after betrayal
✨ How to cultivate self-worth without relying on external validation

Whether you’ve been betrayed in dating, friendship, or family relationships, this episode will help you find peace in the chaos. 

Connect With Gretta

What to Say To A Ghost - Free Guide | Free & Private Facebook Support Group | Instagram | YouTube | copingwithghosting.com

Host Gretta Perlmutter, MA, a Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach, delivers evidence-based strategies for turning personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for growth and healing.

Connect With Giovanna 

Instagram |  Book Launch Maui Giveaway 

❤️Dating episode mentioned: Protecting Your Heart in the Digital Dating World

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Ramos

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools. Coping With Ghosting does not provide health care or psychological therapy services and does not diagnose or treat any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or registered professionals.

Want to feel better after being ghosted? Coping With Ghosting 101 downloadable  workshop will help you take your power back today. 

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Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages). When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta Perlmutter:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted, betrayed or left behind. Today, I'm exploring the question what if confusion is a virtue? My guest, giovanna Silvestre, is the co-founder of Confused Girl in the City, a global activewear brand, and her work has been showcased on NBC, as well as in Forbes and LA Yoga. A University of Southern California graduate, giovanna transitioned from the entertainment industry into a path of self-discovery and is now a prominent lifestyle and wellness influencer, entrepreneur and author of the new book Confused Girl Find your Peace in the Chaos. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I'm so happy to be here.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I love, I have to say I love the title of your podcast. Love the title of your podcast. You know ghosting and betrayal, and I feel like it's something that is so in the zeitgeist of everyone right now.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Unfortunately, it is a silent pandemic.

Giovanna Silvestre:

You're right, it is, it actually is. It's like a virus just going through society and I definitely have been tempted to catch it, but I have avoided it.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Good job, good on you. Well, I read an advanced copy of your book and loved it, and I really appreciate how, in this book, you reframe life's challenges and turn them into catalysts for growth. And I've come up with some questions that dive into the key themes of the book as they relate to ghosting and in a way that can help people who have been betrayed and ghosted. So my first question is what advice do you have for those currently feeling stuck and unworthy, especially those who have been hurt and abandoned?

Giovanna Silvestre:

I really believe that you're never going to be satisfied with yourself and life if you're constantly turning to external things. Turning to external things, it's like if you need the validation from the boyfriend, or you need the validation from the girlfriend, or you need the validation from the money and the career and this and that, because everything external can be taken away from you. Like that and just as we're seeing even now. Like back in the day, you know, couples did stay together like divorce was rare, and now it's like, well, we're getting the day.

Giovanna Silvestre:

You know couples did stay together Like divorce was rare, and now it's like, well, we're getting married, but you know this could end in divorce. That's like a high probability. So just the probability that people are going to be passing through your life is very high. And so if you put all of your worth and identity into another person or things, you're going to get really hurt, you know, and you're not going to have a strong sense of self, you're not going to be very confident, and so my whole thing was and I know this because I did- it.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I did put my validation and my self-worth into all external things to end up completely depressed and lost and feeling very unworthy. And in that moment I realized that I was like, oh wow, I had been living my life as an image. I want this, I want this, I want this so that it looks good to the outside world when in actuality nobody really cares, because everyone's really just caring about themselves. So I had to. At that point I said to myself you know, what I want more than anything in this world right now is to feel good in my own skin, without it being about anything external. I want to wake up one day and just feel really good about me, just because I exist, not because I did something great or because I have a new, I have more money or a new car or a new guy or whatever. I just want to feel good about Giovanna.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And I think that that is something we should all be kind of taught as kids you know, to get to know how to do that, to go inward and find our own self-worth and our own guidance system and our own purpose. But we're very much taught to just think external, external, external. But if you don't work on the internal and you don't cultivate the internal. You're, it's, you're. At some point you're going to feel like there's this like crazy void in you that you can't fill, and that's a very depressing cycle to be in.

Gretta Perlmutter:

So how can somebody achieve this?

Giovanna Silvestre:

You know, in my book, like you know, like I, I I talk about a lot of different things that I did and I give like a lot of tips about you know things, you can do things that help me. And first it's having the intention to want that you have to cause. I hit such a rock bottom where I was like, okay, I understand now that these external things aren't aren't making me happy and I want to feel happy. You have to have that desire to want to just be happy in your own skin, Because if you don't have that desire yet, you're not going to do it. If you still are believing that something external is going to fulfill you, then you're not going to get there.

Giovanna Silvestre:

You know what I'm saying. So first you kind of have to have that knowing and understanding, and then you have to have the intention that you want something different. So that's like first step, right. Then the second step, I think, is, you know, finding a way to quiet your mind.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And because when the mind is super active and you're, you have a packed schedule of a billion things to do in your life has become just a checklist of things you check off and that's where you get your gratification. You leave no room for you know, whatever you want to call it, the universe, God, you know the consciousness, universal consciousness. You don't leave any room for that to come and help you and come in. And so you have to give yourself some time, I think within each day, to just have a moment with yourself, to connect with yourself, to ground yourself. And this could be, honestly, anything. This could be journaling, this could be taking a walk, this could, and maybe playing a meditation, or just taking a walk quietly, this could be a dance class, yoga, Tai Chi, I mean, you know, or just or just meditating, just sitting there and just taking a beat. But I think you have to get your mind quiet to be able to connect with yourself. And so, honestly, if you just start with that, things will just begin to unfold and you'll start to feel better.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I like that. I think it's really easy for people to start small to rebuild their sense of self. So those are great tips. Your story is one of transformation. It's pretty incredible. I hope that listeners go out and grab this book, so can you share one pivotal moment when you realized peace and self-acceptance were more important than external validation?

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah and okay, so I I cause I had worked in Hollywood mansion. It was the CEO of a huge company that everybody knows, but I'm not going to share that. But, um, and it was a huge party, and my friend, she worked in film finance and so she got into all the craziest parties. So we're, we're at the Sundance film festival, we're in Deer Valley in this mansion, overlooking, you know, park city, amazing, and, and celebrities were there and big Hollywood, big wigs and and people that worked in the industry, and I just felt like I wanted to run away, like I just felt so uncomfortable, I felt like I was being fake. I felt like I wanted to run away.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Like I just felt so uncomfortable, I felt like I was being fake, I felt like I didn't want to be there. This wasn't me. And see, now I could go into one of those settings and just have fun and just enjoy it for myself and then leave. You know, I mean sometimes it can be superficial or whatever, but there was nothing weird going on at this party. It wasn't like a P Diddy party or something.

Giovanna Silvestre:

This was like a professional, like networking party, but now I would just go and I would just enjoy it and have fun. But back then, because I was in the entertainment industry, because I was in the entertainment industry, because I was trying to prove to myself that I was good enough and tried trying to prove to everybody else I was good enough when I didn't feel good enough. So being there I kind of had like imposter syndrome and I I felt really insecure and and I I just after that I was like I can't do this, was like I can't do this anymore. I can't fake this. I was like I I need to create some peace and some contentment in my, in my being and it took a bit of time to, like you know, get there and do that. But the first step is just being aware and being okay with what is and not rejecting yourself.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I think we've all experienced moments of extreme discomfort in social settings that just feel like, oh man, I shouldn't be here, or maybe maybe not all of us, but I have at least. I'll speak for myself. So I completely understand and I'm glad that you overcame that. I think I have as well. Like I know that wherever I go now, I'll just be able to enjoy myself, rather than feel like I have to prove myself to people or be like I don't know as whatever wealthy or intelligent as them, that kind of thing like to feel like I fit in. I just know that I am enough.

Giovanna Silvestre:

See, and that's all you need in this world Really, that's really. If you have that, then everything else you can enjoy. You can enjoy your luxury car, you can enjoy your nice purse or whatever, without it being a symbol of your worth. Because when you put your worth, which is of, I believe it's like of God, right, it's when you, when you put it into things, it's you cheapen your worth, and and then, and then so it eventually hurts, like at first the bag or the car will feel good, but then it eventually is not. It's like, eh, whatever, I need the next thing now and the next thing, and then, and then that becomes a very painful existence.

Giovanna Silvestre:

But if you feel like you're enough, but granted, we, you know we'll all get hit with insecurities, I'll be PMSing and somebody will say something, and then I'm like, oh, like I'm in high school again and like I'm human. But it goes away quickly and my worth as a human being isn't hurt. You know, my ego might've been a little chipped at for like a hot second, but then I remind myself of who I am and I'm like, oh, that's silly. Okay, moving on.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I love that. Yeah, I mean, we're human, we're all going to feel some intense feelings Sometimes, even if even the people who have the most confidence, they probably take a little dive sometimes.

Giovanna Silvestre:

No, we all do it's part of existing?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, and we're not defined by our thoughts or our feelings and, you know, not all of our thoughts are true and so, no matter what, even if we're having like a down day, we can still know that we're worthy whole and complete, even if we're feeling a certain way, one day, Absolutely, and I say that to myself now as well.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I'm like, okay, this will pass, this will pass. You know, even sometimes if it's hormonal see, for me it's like really hormonal Cause I feel great until the hormones come. And then, um well, it's interesting Cause sometimes with the hormones I'll feel really euphoric. But then when I know that that has happened, then it's go, it's like a crash and burn, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, it's coming, the crash and burn is coming. But in those times I just go you know what? This too shall pass, this too shall pass, it's fine, just get through it. And then you learn to take care of yourself in those times too, like, okay, let's go on a walk, let's go get a massage, let's go get an ice cream.

Gretta Perlmutter:

You kind of treat yourself. Yeah, many of my listeners who've been hurt in relationships really struggle with self-love. So what are some steps or practices they can do to start cultivating more self-love?

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah, Well, again it goes back to what I kind of said before about having that quiet time. But then also, I think, what happens when you're kind of a codependent, you know and I can be that way as well you put all of your everything into one person and maybe you stop doing things with your friends, you stop doing the activities you like and it's all about what he likes, or maybe you don't even know what you like, because it's all about what the other person likes. And you need to keep your friendships. You still need to make time for your girlfriends, Also for a guy too. You cut off your guy friends, you cut off your friends.

Giovanna Silvestre:

It's not healthy. It's not healthy to do that. You have to keep your life. You have to make sure that you maintain a life outside of the person that you care about. You know, I have a close friend who told me it should be my life, their life and our life. There's like three different things there, and I really like that because it's really easy. Especially when you fall in love and I have fallen victim to this as well it's so easy to lose yourself into somebody else, Because when I I'm Italian, you know like when I love, I like love and I'm passionate, and so it's just so easy to kind of give yourself away.

Giovanna Silvestre:

So if you're somebody that gives yourself away, you got to make sure that you don't. And and it's also really important to have boundaries, because when you really love somebody, you kind of go oh you can invade my boundaries, I'm okay with that. But part of self-love is having like appropriate boundaries and saying I'm okay with this and I'm not okay with this, and knowing yourself, and because when you don't put the boundaries in place and they cross the boundaries and you let that happen, you're teaching them how to treat you and then also you're betraying yourself, which that's not self-love. Self-betrayal is not self-love. So I think that that's very important and continue to do the things or to find the things that bring you joy. That bring you joy.

Giovanna Silvestre:

If that's playing, you know, soccer twice a week with your, your friends, then a man or woman should not come in your life and need you to stop doing that. And also, the person you're dating doesn't have to be involved in every little thing that you do. It's some some things it's nice to keep just for you, like I actually would be fine with a partner that liked to do activities outside of what I like, cause it's like they're that's their time to miss me. See us women. We underestimate the myths. You know men need to miss you and and and women need to miss men. But I think women miss men kind of quickly and men need a little bit more time to miss you.

Gretta Perlmutter:

That's funny. I love this advice. It's so important to have a life outside of your partner and so often, after we've been ghosted, we have all this free time right Because so much time was invested in this relationship and so, whether it was being ghosted after a friendship or romance or with a family member, you definitely I mean I felt the void. The void because the relationship is now gone. So the question is how are you going to fill the time right? What are you going to do? For example, in the past, I would spend all my weekends with my friend, but then she ghosted me. So now I'm like wait, what do I do during my weekends? And so it I use that time to figure out okay, what do I really really love? What exactly what you said, what brings me joy? How can I reconstruct my life so that my weekends are fulfilling now and not just something that I don't look forward to because it reminds me of her? So that's, that's really important.

Giovanna Silvestre:

No, it's, it's so important and also sometimes you have to go through a period of loneliness and and kind of recently for me this has happened to me is a couple of people, and one in particular who was a really close friend of mine. I kind of had to distance myself because I realized that I wasn't upholding my boundaries and she was crossing them and I was betraying myself and I'm like I can't do this anymore. I was like I want a different energy around me. We would fight a lot. I'm like I just I don't want to do this anymore. And so letting her go because we were so close and hung out, so much was lonely I mean, she's the person I called every day and told what I was eating, you know, I mean. And so it was lonely for a bit, but I mean, and so it was lonely for a bit, but I said, no, this is good for you, like it's going to be a little lonely and that's okay, but this is actually good for you in the long run.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And then all of a sudden I had, like new people come into my life unexpectedly. A friend of mine, from Texas, you know, introduced me to his friend here, and so now her and I are becoming friends and it's a new energy, it's a more of a positive energy. So I'm like, oh wow, I bet if I didn't close that door, this door wouldn't have opened and and I was, and I it's uncomfortable to go through that period of loneliness. It was uncomfortable for me, especially cause it was like around the holidays and I was like no, but I'm so happy that I did and I just kind of went okay, you know, the universe is trying to teach me something here. Let's just go through this and let's learn and let's get comfortable in just this loneliness, let's just make it your friend, because once you get comfortable in it and make it your friend, that's when things are going to start to happen.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Exactly yeah. Being ghosted leaves people with a million questions and, in your experience, how does the feeling of being lost or confused contribute to personal growth?

Giovanna Silvestre:

Ghosting's really hard and it's very annoying to me because I did struggle with it. A lot less now, and I think it's because of the way I was raised. I was raised to be really respectful to people and even with, like online stuff, let's say, online dating but ghosting happens, like even with friends. But with online dating right, it happens a lot and I just couldn't understand why people behave so poorly because I'm like, I'm a person on the other end of this. It's like do you not realize that there is a person I understand I mean nothing to you right now, because you know I'm not involved in your life and we don't know each other but I have value because I'm a person. So, because I have value as a person, you need to treat me like that and I treat people like that, even if I haven't met them yet, because you're a person on earth, You're a child of God. You know it's like come on, people.

Giovanna Silvestre:

So I would take it very personally and it would hurt and my friend would go. You should not take this personally. You know they don't know you and I'm like I'm taking it personally because I'm a human. It doesn't matter if they know me or not. I'm a human, yeah, and so it really confused me, this whole ghosting thing. I have to say it's very, very and it's uncomfortable. I don't like it. It's confusing, it makes me angry. It's confusing, it makes me angry. But I kind of got to this point. After so many situations of being ghosted and then hearing from other people around me how they've been ghosted, I'm like, hmm, this is interesting.

Giovanna Silvestre:

So, now I'm not taking it personally anymore it becomes more of why is this happening in our society and it becomes like a growth thing and and how can we, you know, talk about this with each other and start sharing this and also start telling people?

Giovanna Silvestre:

You know, it's not okay that you ghosted me, because I know you don't know me really well, but I'm a human and we made a plan or we did, you know, or whatever it is, or we went out together and you could at least have the courtesy to write me back and I tell especially with the dating stuff, and I'm a woman, so like I'm telling women this, but I, you know, I would tell men this too voice that that wasn't cool, because I want to be told when I did something that wasn't cool and it feels like now people need, need to be spanked a little bit.

Giovanna Silvestre:

You have all these like babies running around ghosting everyone and it's like grow up. That is not okay and that behavior, especially is not acceptable in the working world. You don't, you can't do that in the working world. Why should you be able to do it in your interpersonal world, Like somebody that ghosts all the time isn't going to be my good friend Isn't going to be somebody I date, because that's a lack of integrity going to be somebody I date because that's a lack of integrity. So it went from like personal to confusing to okay, I'm, I'm going to deal with it in this way and it's worked for me.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I think it's so important to use your voice after being ghosted. So good on you for speaking up and not just facing silence with silence or responding to silence with silence. So good on you for speaking up and not just facing silence with silence or responding to silence with silence.

Giovanna Silvestre:

So oh, and you know what you just said silence with silence. I love that you just said that, because I always felt like I was a little bit abrupt or crazy because I would just call somebody out on bad behavior and and and other people were like, oh, just leave it alone, oh, it's not even worth messaging, but it's not even worth it, like they don't care. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm also doing this for me because I need to express the annoyance of this, and just staying silent is kind of like, you know, you take a slap, you take a slap, you take a slap, you take a slap. Sometimes you need to slap back, you know, and just say, no, that is not okay, you should behave better. You're hurting people, not cool, not cool, you know.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And if people start doing this like let's just take women in the dating world, because these are all my friends in the dating world who talk about this stuff, and my guy friend, he talks about this too but if you start telling people the ghosters, we'll just say men or women, the ghosters. You start telling people this is not okay. Somebody hears it once and they're like, oh, whatever, crazy, right. But then they hear it again, and then they hear it again, and then they hear it again and they're like, oh, maybe I should stop doing this, like I guess this behavior isn't okay. You know, we actually need as a society not to meet silence with silence. You're not a bigger person because you didn't say anything. You're not, you're not acting like you don't care when it hurt you because you think they didn't care. You're not winning here, but by actually expressing how you feel.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I think that's a win. I agree, and I have a free guide on copingwithghostingcom with outlines of exactly what you can say to somebody who's ghosted you at different stages of a relationship, and so that's free. So go to copingwithghostingcom. There's also a link in my show notes for this too, so I love that it's amazing Also. Just one little note here I think giving people grace and space to respond is also important, because we're a society that we everything is instant right.

Gretta Perlmutter:

My Amazon package that I ordered last night is coming today, so if somebody doesn't respond within 24 hours, I usually am like, okay, that's frustrating, but I give people time to reply, like usually at least a week, just because I know that things can happen emergencies, difficult situations. Maybe they forgot and then they circled back. So it really depends on how often you speak to them, like if you're speaking every day and then all of a sudden they're gone still. I mean, don't accuse them of ghosting, Just wait a little bit before going into that.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah, I agree with you, and especially when it comes to dating, because if a good friend of mine doesn't get back to me, I'll just probably call her again and then I'll get a message. I'm really busy for the next couple days. I'll call you and I'm like, oh, okay, and I don't consider that ghosting, you know, because it's and I'm like, oh okay, and I don't consider that ghosting, you know, because a friend of mine and just got busy. But when it comes to dating, you know, I'm like, oh, you know, I'm, I'm more, I used to be very impulsive and I'd be like two days went by and he didn't message me and he's never going to message me. So I'm going to tell him off or whatever.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And but you know, sometimes people not everybody I'm the type of person when somebody messages me, I'm probably going to message you within that day. You're probably only going to have to wait 24 hours, because I'm the type of person that when something comes in, I like to get it done and off my plate, even messaging I, you know, I even look at my messages like that. So I'm not somebody that like sits on it and does other things, but a lot of people are, so I. So I can't expect everyone to behave and act like I act. So just because it took a few extra days, it's it doesn't mean that the person doesn't like you or they're not going to respond to you. It's just they operate differently or have things going on, um, and I mean you'll know at some point, right, because then you never hear from them and you can say it like say something I would say something casual at that point too like hey, just checking in, just checking in on you.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I haven't heard from you. Are you, is everything? Okay, just checking in, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I like that that's really good. That that's really really good. Yeah, it kind of reminds me of oh gosh. So I had this plan to go out to brunch with this guy. This was a while back and we had a plan for brunch on Sunday. So I don't plan anything on Sunday because him and I are going to go to brunch and I was looking forward to it. And then Saturday comes around Don't hear from him. Sunday I wait till like noon, right, I'm like that's the very latest and and um. And then I I was like okay, and so I I message him are we still doing brunch today? Question mark I don't hear from him for like I don't hear from him for like an hour and a half.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Then I just wrote a scathing message about who he is and I just was so angry because the thing is, if this was just a one off or this happened once in a blue moon, I wouldn't be angry. But when you're hearing this happening to all your friends all the time, when it happens to you a few times and it becomes a frequent thing, you just are thinking, oh, they're ghosting me. How irresponsible, you planned something with me and you can't even say yes or no to a message. And so then the guy writes back to my scathing message. He sends a picture of him in the hospital and he said um and I. And he says, uh, I had to go to the hospital, I'm really sick, but I don't think we should talk anymore. And kind of putting it on me like I'm in the hospital, like you're mean, you know, thanks for oh. He said thanks for your kind words and then I wrote him back. I said I'm in the hospital like you're mean, you know, thanks for your oh. He said thanks for your kind words and then I wrote him back. I said I'm sorry that you're sick and in the hospital, but how was I supposed to know you're in the hospital and you did make a plan with me and you could have written me. You just wrote after my.

Giovanna Silvestre:

So after my scathing message you write me back. But you don't write me back. You write me on Saturday saying I'm really sick, I don't think I'll be able to do Sunday, or, you know, it's a text that takes two seconds. So, yes, bad on me for jumping to conclusions, but also I'm thinking I don't want a guy that can't write a simple message. He wasn't in the hospital, like in a coma, I mean, he had a virus. Yeah, he's sick. And even me being sick like that, I would say hey, I'm really sick, I'm uh. I'll message you when I'm, you know when I'm better, yeah, Instead of just.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And then you know what he said to me, which I thought was very telling about the way people think about this. He said um, I said, you know, how was I supposed to know you were in the hospital? You didn't tell me, so I thought we were still doing brunch and you were ghosting me, which made me angry, and you know, sorry, I'm really sorry that you're sick, though, which made me angry and you know, sorry, I'm really sorry that you're sick, though, and I'm sorry I was. You know, I I sent a angry message and he goes, he goes, yeah, well, messaging a girl, uh, I'd never met before. Sorry, it wasn't my first priority what? And then I said, and I said, and then I said, honestly, I don't.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I think that's a really bad way to look at it. Yes, we haven't met, but I'm a person that you made a plan with and I had no idea that you were sick. So I think you, it takes two seconds to write a text. I mean, clearly he's okay Cause he's, you know, he's responding to me, being like a little boy, being like that needs his mommy, cause he's sick and I'm like, you know, you should have messaged me, because that's what adults do. I can tell you're very immature and this wouldn't work out anyway. So I but I mean that's how I felt I felt bad. I felt like that. I'm like that's called immaturity, because you're not.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And also, too, I want a man that thinks about me. I want a man that thinks about people that he makes plans with. I want a man who has responsibility for other people as well. I don't want someone that just thinks about themselves all the time and is like well, I was sick, so that's why I didn't message you. I mean, that's baby talk, you know, like grownup talk is. I'm sorry, I can't, I'm really sick. I'll message you when I'm better. Okay, great, I hope you feel better.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I'm so sorry, you know get well soon Would have been nice. I wish that people would just take a moment to realize how their silence affects other people, because it's especially with a date, especially had you gotten ready? Did you get ready for the date?

Giovanna Silvestre:

Like I don't do that anymore because of this, because of exactly like things. Yeah, you know, it's because I'm not. I don't now have enough faith in humanity to be like watch out for me. Like I don't have enough faith now because of this ghosting stuff, I don't have enough faith in these people to look out for me and be like hey, you know I'm not going to make it. I mean, but one time I did get ready and then the guy at least he told me he wasn't going, but I was already in my car, driving there ready.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And then he told me he wasn't going to make it Cause he he got social anxiety. I actually think he was a catfish, I think he was probably not the person of his pictures, and so he made up something. I think sometimes these people might enjoy just having a girl wanting to go out with them.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah for sure. You know, and my friend even and this just happened a couple of months ago a guy she actually met in person and went on a date with stood her up, she's ready, she's at the restaurant. He was a no-show. That's happened to me.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Oh God, yeah, and then their dating profile is magically gone also. Yeah, it sucks, it's really frustrating. But it sucks, it's really frustrating. But you know, here's the thing you have taken your power back because you know that your worth comes from within and you don't need these people to validate you on any level now.

Giovanna Silvestre:

So that's the positive, and that is a hundred percent the truth. It's annoying and it makes me angry because I feel like it's very disrespectful and it's not how I behave. But it doesn't make me feel like, oh, I wasn't good enough, that's why they didn't show up. Oh, no way, it does not in any way affect that, so thank goodness for that.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, it's really just highlighting what they lack, which is decent decency, respect and communication skills.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah, exactly, and I actually don't do the online dating anymore because of that, because I'm like I don't even I'm too busy right now. I'm like I don't even I feel like it's lowering my vibrational frequency. Now I feel like maybe years ago, when online dating started, you could find like quality on there and but now there's like so many serial daters, it's so many people going in there with like ulterior, not good motives, so many fake people, that it's a little scary. So and for women, we got to really watch out it can be very scary.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I agree. I believe that online dating is a place where people can find love, and it's also a place where people can get really hurt, and so just be strategic in how you use those dating apps.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah, being strategic is is super important to weed out the like undesirables.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I have a whole podcast episode about online dating and I'll link to it in the show notes. I wanna circle back to your book. I really felt empowered by reading it, like it's so good. It's one of those books that I could come back to just when I want like I don't know, like a burst of inspiration. And one thing that was incredible is that you just talked about how confusion is a virtue, and I wonder if you could just share what you mean by that with listeners, because I think it's so, so important.

Giovanna Silvestre:

You know, it all also comes back from like over a decade ago, when I was really ashamed for being confused and not having all the answers and not feeling good about myself, and I had this shame. And after I was able to get out of my depression, I thought to myself well, I am confused, I don't. I don't feel horrible anymore, like I'm not depressed anymore, but I still don't know who I am. I don't know why I'm here. What's the meaning of life. I started to ask myself these really existential questions and and I'm like it's so funny, because why is being confused like a bad thing? Like why do we shame ourselves for needing to discover things? I mean, if you didn't have the questions, what would you figure out? You know it's like they say it's a mathematical problem. It's a mathematical equation. You've got to figure it out Just by looking at it. You don't know. You've got to get in there and figure it out. And it's the same thing with, you know, figuring out yourself, figuring out what you want to do in life, figuring out just what life means to you. And all of that starts with confusion. So I like to think of confusion as the fuel of your self-discovery journey and it's what fuels you to go out there and start being curious about life, start looking at life as an adventure. So I actually think confusion is a virtue and I think it's a, it's a superpower.

Giovanna Silvestre:

I think thinking you have all the answers and you know everything is to your detriment. I, I know a lot now. I feel like I'm I've gained a lot of wisdom, but I'm always going to be confused about another new thing. You know, we're always going to have to level up in life. We, you know we're here to grow. I think, what is it Without prosperity? People perish, something like that. There's like this, like quote in the Bible or something like that. And it's like we're here to prosper, we're here to grow, we're here to figure things out, and it's like we're here to prosper, we're here to grow, we're here to figure things out, and it's all part of the grand experiment of being human. And one last thing on it nobody comes into this world with a manual on your life, so you don't have to feel bad when you're asking questions about yourself, about life, and you're confused. It's actually a great opportunity to figure some amazing things out.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, for me, being confused about why have I been ghosted so much has led to such self-discovery. It's been wonderful. I'm not happy that I was ghosted. I wish it never had ever happened. It's been wonderful. I'm not happy that I was ghosted. I wish it never had ever happened. And yet there are lots of benefits, because it inspired me to answer a lot of questions about ghosting for everyone and to learn about myself.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah, and also, I think, to think, to know that you're not alone. Other people aren't alone, I think, in our very digital society now, and we don't hang out as much as we used to, we don't go to as many community functions and we're isolated more, and I think we tend to think, oh, it's just me, or I think there's some embarrassment, like I used to be. To think, oh, it's just me, or I think there's, you know, some embarrassment, like I used to be embarrassed if I was ghosted. There was no shame or embarrassment around it.

Giovanna Silvestre:

But by actually sharing it, it's like, oh, this is happening to everybody, this is not personal, this is like again, like a societal pandemic and it's like a virus in society. And by talking about it and sharing how it hurts and ways to combat it and standing up for yourself and telling people it's not okay to do that and you're, you're like you're fighting the virus, you're beating the virus and eventually you'll beat it out of society If enough people rise up and go nope, we got to stop with this. This is not acceptable and you, you, you start to beat it out of society.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yes, exactly. Is there anything else you'd like to share with listeners about being ghosted or ghosting in general?

Giovanna Silvestre:

I would just say again don't take it personally, it's not personal, it's happening to all of us. I would just say again don't take it personally, it's not personal, it's happening to all of us. And I would say limit the ways that because it doesn't feel good, it is a, it is a lower frequency when that happens you go into. So I would say start to limit the people in your life and the ways in which you get ghosted. If you're doing a lot of online dating, maybe, instead of doing that like doing a running club or some kind of activities club to meet people, if you have friends in your life that are doing that to you and that doesn't feel good, then I would say tell those friends, I'm not going to invite you to things anymore. My friend did that. He goes I'm you know, not to me, but to his other friends. He said if you're going to ghost, if you're going to do this, I'm not inviting you to things anymore and we don't have to hang out anymore because I'm not putting up with it. And so it's like let people know.

Giovanna Silvestre:

And if you're a ghoster, then stop doing it. And it's not cool to say I know that's tempting to go oh, they did it to me, so now I'm going to do it to somebody else, but you're literally continuing the cycle of pain. And why do you want to inflict the pain that you felt onto somebody else? That's that's not good karma, it's just, it's not good for you, it's not good for society. So be bigger than that, be a bigger person and actually choose not to do that, and then so when, when the person does it to you, you firmly can go. You know what? This is not cool that you do that, and you should really stop, cause it's a very, it's a big lack of integrity. Yeah, that would be my advice.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I love that. How can listeners connect with you and get a copy of your new book?

Giovanna Silvestre:

So you can go to my website, confused girl in the citycom, and you'll find all the links for my book. It's on Amazon, it's on Barnes and Noble website. Right now you can pre-order it. And if you do pre-order it and you send me a screenshot and you can get my email from the website, then you'll enter to win a hundred dollar gift card from my store and also a two night stay at an amazing resort in Maui.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Wow, and when is it coming out? It's released.

Giovanna Silvestre:

May 13th, perfect yeah. So now it's like pre-order time and then, if you want to just connect in and see what I'm up to, my Instagram is at confused girl LA.

Gretta Perlmutter:

And that's a really fun Instagram to follow.

Giovanna Silvestre:

Yeah, lots of fun things I travel a lot.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much, greta. I really appreciate it. This has been fun and listeners, did you know that you can watch the full video episode of this podcast on Coping with Ghosting's YouTube channel? Please be sure to like, share and subscribe, and I'd also love for you to connect with me on social media. I'm at Coping With Ghosting and I have a free and private Coping With Ghosting Facebook support group and, if you haven't already, please review and rate the show. It will help other people find me. Finally, remember, when you've been ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.