Coping With Ghosting

Ghosting and Trauma Bonds: What’s Really Going On and How to Heal

• Gretta • Season 1 • Episode 82

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Have you or somebody you care about ever been in a toxic relationship? If so, it's possible that it was a trauma bond. Knowledge is power, and understanding and recognizing the signs of this type of relationship can be life-changing. In this show, host Gretta interviews Jordanne Sculler, LMHC, about trauma bonds and ghosting. Jordanne is a licensed therapist and mental health expert in New York City, and is dedicated to helping individuals and couples unlock their potential for growth, self-awareness, and authentic connection. 

Tune in to Discover:

• The Trauma Bond Stages: love bombing, trust and dependency, criticism, gaslighting, emotional addiction, loss of self, and resignation
• Why ghosting happens in trauma bonds and toxic relationships
• How to break out of a trauma bond and heal 

To anyone out there who is healing after being in a trauma bond: You can get better. Please take it one day at a time. 

Connect With Gretta

Free & Private Facebook Support Group | Instagram | YouTube | copingwithghosting.com

Host Gretta Perlmutter, MA, a Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach, delivers evidence-based strategies for turning personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for growth and healing.

Connect With Jordanne 

Website |  Instagram

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Ramos

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools. Coping With Ghosting does not provide health care or psychological therapy services and does not diagnose or treat any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or registered professionals.

Ghosted? You deserve peace of mind. Explore coaching with Gretta today.

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Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages). When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta Perlmutter:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's ever faced the painful experience of being ghosted or betrayed. I'm Gretta, your host, and today's episode is the Ultimate Guide to Trauma Bonds. This topic may bring up strong emotions for you, so please take care and listen at your own pace, because your well-being is the most important thing, and we're going to deep dive into what trauma bonds are, how to break free, how to heal and how to avoid falling into them in the future, plus everything in between. Whether you've been in a trauma bond, are currently in one, or simply want to understand this complex dynamic better, this episode will provide the tools and insights to help you gain clarity, heal and move forward.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Joining me to discuss this topic today is Jordanne Sculler, LMHC, a licensed therapist and mental health expert based in New York City. Jordanne is dedicated to helping individuals and couples unlock their potential for growth, self-awareness and authentic connection. Jordanne's clients don't come to therapy to stay in the same place. They come to learn, grow and thrive, even when that means diving into the inevitable discomfort of pursuing deep inner work. Thank you so much for joining me today, Jordanne. I'm so happy you're here.

Jordanne Sculler:

I am so excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yes, and I'd like to have you start by sharing what a trauma bond is and how it's formed.

Jordanne Sculler:

Absolutely so. Trauma bonding is a type of attachment between an abuser and their victim. So this strong, very strong type of attachment is usually formed when the abuser has sporadic moments of kindness and generosity Maybe it looks like love and support so that their victim feels a sense of dependence for their abuser and confusion around the idea of what leaving them and the relationship could look like altogether. And typically this pattern continues on and on in abusive relationships.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Got it. So let's dive deeper into this. Can a trauma bond form if only one person is abusive, or is it possible for both people to create a trauma bond when they've been through shared trauma together, and are the dynamics the same in both cases?

Jordanne Sculler:

It is completely possible for trauma bonding to occur when both people have been through shared trauma together. These patterns can be more complex and difficult to spot. So, definitely, I think people view it as more rare, definitely a more rare experience to have. However, in this situation, both partners are contributing to this really unhealthy and dependent type of relationship and these relationships, like I said, can be even more difficult to spot and thus even more difficult to find your way out of so.

Gretta Perlmutter:

This could happen in any type of shared traumatic experience, like a natural disaster, like a car accident, or if two people are together in an abusive workplace, right.

Jordanne Sculler:

Absolutely, absolutely and again I think it also. They come together when they're separate traumas as well and two people who have existed or, you know, been through two separate traumas coming together in a relationship and that dynamic becoming very unhealthy as well.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Okay, and I know that trauma bonding tends to follow a recognizable pattern. Could you walk listeners through the stages of trauma bonding and explain when ghosting is most likely to occur?

Jordanne Sculler:

Definitely so. The first step or stage of trauma bonding is typically love bombing, which I know is a newer and trendier term right now, but it kind of speaks exactly to the point. So here the abuser shows the victim immense affection and admiration for who they are, everything they do, what they look like, I mean, it's all encompassing and this makes them feel incredibly special to their abuser. The next stage would be trust and dependency, and here the victim forms a very strong attachment to their abuser because they are made to feel they are so incredibly supported by them and they wouldn't be able to survive without them. The abuser essentially becomes the victim's self-worth. So then, following that, comes a very critical stage criticism. And this is when the abuser has their victim exactly where they want them, needing them. They swoop in, they make the victim feel like they are absolutely worthless and really put them at such a low stage.

Jordanne Sculler:

This is one of the spots that I think ghosting can really come in right. There's nothing, oh, ghosting it's just such a horrible, low, low feeling, such an abandonment, such an abuse. Right, it really is so abusive in relationships. So criticism is one of the spots that I think ghosting really comes in strong, as well as with the next stage, which is gaslighting. Gaslighting the victim will often try to defend themselves or fight back, and the abuser makes them feel absolutely crazy for feeling the way they feel. It's a complete manipulation. It is complete manipulation. And this is where, again, ghosting could probably peek its way through, making the victim feel loved, admired and then all of a sudden abandoning. So that feels very, very true to ghosting as well.

Jordanne Sculler:

Next stage we have emotional addiction. So here the victim will then become very dependent on their abuser, who just completely altered their sense of reality with gaslighting, which leads to next stage, which is loss of self. And here the victim becomes so confused about who they are and really where they identify, what happened to their identity. They really struggle to think about themselves existing outside of the relationship with their abuser, which is exactly where their abuser wants them right, so stuck in this relationship. And finally, the last stage is resignation and submission, and here the victim completely gives up and devotes themselves to the cycle they are in with their abuser and they form this type of acceptance about the relationship and that this is just the way it's going to be for them.

Gretta Perlmutter:

This is such a heartbreaking and toxic dynamic and I know sometimes in a trauma bond the person who cares deeply may still end up ghosting their partner. So, from your perspective, what are some of the underlying reasons this happens?

Jordanne Sculler:

I think it's all about power, right? So ghosting is a form of manipulation and abandonment, and when there's trauma bonding involved, there's this power struggle that makes an abuser feel really, really important. This is just another way for an abuser to make their victim feel small and unimportant, so that when they show those moments of kindness and love, their victim feels as if they need that.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, this is really tough to hear. Yeah, I know this is heavy. It's yeah. So let's shift our focus on how to break free. Some listeners might be stuck in a trauma bond with someone who has ghosted them, whether that person is long gone or keeps on popping back up. So what practical steps do you recommend to help them reclaim their freedom?

Jordanne Sculler:

So the number one, and I think it's so, so important therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy. I can't say it enough, not just because I'm a therapist, but I think there is immense value to really understanding yourself and why you enter into and exist within certain relationships and, together with that, a support system. These two things are so, so, so important. It is so often that patients of mine don't even see or recognize that they're in these types of relationships and it takes a lot of work to really understand how it happened and what they feel. Being in this type of relationship where trauma bonding is present, it's really important to have a professional help guide you through the feelings that are present and figuring out the best way out for you and your specific situation. Having people in your life who also, who know what's going on and can be there to love and support, you can also make a victim feel so much more courageous and make the relationship feel a little bit more manageable. But it is very often that somebody in this situation wouldn't necessarily go to someone they love and tell them what's going on, because their support system would most likely encourage them to find their way out and, as we just went through the stages, that's extremely difficult to do.

Jordanne Sculler:

The next piece that I think is really important is setting boundaries, and it's a skill right. So learning how to set boundaries becomes an essential skill which is really difficult to master in an abusive relationship. The second a victim begins setting boundaries, the abuser will become very confused and very off balance to their usual pattern. So something I talk about with my patients all the time and this goes across all different types of relationships is do something different. Like I will always encourage patients to do something different. The person you are in a relationship with I can almost promise you will also do something different if you do something different. So it kind of just throws a relationship a little off balance and surprises, surprises the person that you're with what's an example of doing something different.

Jordanne Sculler:

Oh, doing something different. So maybe I respond when and you know if we're thinking about trauma bonding specifically. So maybe during a moment of love and kindness, the victim would respond with I love you too, or give the person a hug. Right, that's a great one. When an abuser showing emotion, giving love, kindness, going over and giving the abuser a hug Instead, what if they didn't give that hug? What would happen? How would that shift a dynamic, how would that shift the power dynamic? How would that maybe throw the other person off balance a little bit? Maybe they respond with words instead of physical touch. Just a tiny shift to a normal pattern will change the pattern. Got it, got it. So that feels really important. And then the last piece psychoeducation. Really learning about trauma bonding, whether that be in therapy or just through research, can really help you identify and clarify what's going on in your specific relationship and help you find your way out.

Gretta Perlmutter:

So those are all really helpful tips, so thank you for them. I know that one of the hardest parts about being ghosted in a trauma bond is deciding how to handle contact. So, for example, should they block, unfollow, delete or send a final message? What is the best approach?

Jordanne Sculler:

Yeah, I mean, I think, at the end of this type of relationship, block, block, block and unfollow that is, I believe, extremely important. This isn't, again, this isn't what your abuser expects you to do, because this is usually a pattern, right? So they expect you to come back. They expect you to beg and plead for them, making them feel powerful and important. So, again, taking care of yourself might be blocking them, this time ending the cycle.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, I agree with you completely. No contact gives you the space and time to focus on yourself, to rebuild your confidence and your self-worth. And for those who are still in the trauma bond, recently out of one or even in the process of breaking free, what type of self-care practices would you recommend to help?

Jordanne Sculler:

So again, therapy and support system number one. In therapy you can really learn to understand who you are and what you just went through, and break out of a cycle and pattern that maybe has kept you stuck and uncomfortable for so long. Surround yourself with safe people. That's a really important one, building a network of people who you feel safe and supported by. Another really helpful tip journaling.

Jordanne Sculler:

I know this could be cliche, but there is really nothing more cathartic than sitting down and just writing. I always recommend journaling in almost a stream of consciousness format where you just go. It kind of lets your body and your mind come together and it's always interesting where you end up. And the last one that I think is really important and often is overlooked is grieving. So really taking the time to grieve. Being ghosted in a trauma bond type of relationship can feel like an abandonment all over again. Depending on what you've been through before and what your past looks like, it's possible you've been abandoned before. It's important to let yourself grieve and to give yourself the time. You're not necessarily mourning the reality of the relationship, but the idea of what you wanted it to be.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Grief is hard, it isn't linear, it comes in waves and honor those feelings. Yeah Well, breaking free of a trauma bond is one thing, but moving forward and avoiding those same patterns in the future is another challenge entirely. So, in your experience, what key steps can someone take to break free of this cycle and begin to build healthier connections?

Jordanne Sculler:

Definitely, yeah. This is really about understanding how you got there in the first place and creating new, deeper relationship with the people in your life, as well as with yourself, the most important relationship that you have, really kind of gaining back that identity that we talked about earlier that might have been lost throughout the relationship. Engage in self-care that prioritizes your needs, in self-care that prioritizes your needs, even if these types of activities you know you weren't able to engage in while you were in the relationship or possibly even just lost touch with. It's important to re-engage in the things that make you feel really good. Rebuild trust in yourself by making small, empowering choices and this could mean exercise, sizing or, like we said earlier, journaling, prioritizing friendships or any healthy habits that make you feel good about yourself. And, lastly, surrounding yourself with people who affirm your worth, make you feel like you and love you for exactly who you are Perfect.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Is there anything else that you'd like to share about ghosting or trauma bonds?

Jordanne Sculler:

Yes, ghosting, I believe, as a woman, as a therapist, as a partner, ghosting is such a cop-out and I think it is so important to remember that, whether we're talking about trauma bonding or not, when someone ghosts, this is almost never, ever having to do with the victim and always has to do with the person ghosting. I think that that's so, so, so important to remember because, although it can feel like such an abandonment, I think that this is really about the person doing the ghosting and not ever about you.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Right, it's a them problem, not a me problem. Exactly.

Jordanne Sculler:

Exactly so. Self-blame is really important Not to not to go down that path here.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah Well, how can listeners connect with you?

Jordanne Sculler:

You can find me at JordanscholerLMHCcom or on Instagram at Jordanscholer or on Instagram at Jordan Scholar Perfect.

Gretta Perlmutter:

This has been such a meaningful conversation, so thank you so much, jordan, for sharing your expertise and shedding light on this topic.

Jordanne Sculler:

Thank you so much for having me. This has been so nice.

Gretta Perlmutter:

And listeners, thanks for tuning into the show. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe, rate, review this podcast because it really does help spread the word. And if you're ready to heal, improve your confidence, regain your power after being ghosted or betrayed, I'm here to support you. I'm a certified PBT coach and stands for post betrayal transformation, so I do offer personalized coaching and you can learn more. I have links in the show notes and you can visit my site copingwithghostingcom. Finally, remember, when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills, because you deserve the best.