Coping With Ghosting

The Women’s Guide to Loneliness, Being Single & Learning to Trust Again

• Gretta • Season 1 • Episode 84

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“Loneliness doesn’t come from being single; it comes from believing the lies that you’re not enough on your own.” - Fanny Tristan  In this episode, host Gretta speaks with women’s empowerment coach and licensed trauma therapist Fanny Tristan, LCSW-R, for a powerful conversation about healing from loneliness, trust issues, and the pressure to be in a relationship. This conversation offers guidance and hope for women and everyone else alike.
 Together, Fanny and Gretta explore:

  • How to push back against societal pressure to be coupled
  • Practical strategies for self-soothing and moving forward when feeling lonely
  • Ways to rebuild trust and create supportive community connections

Tune in to break free from cultural expectations and say “yes” to a richer, more fulfilling life.

Connect With Gretta

Free & Private Facebook Support Group | Instagram | YouTube | copingwithghosting.com

Host Gretta Perlmutter, MA, a Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach, delivers evidence-based strategies for turning personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for growth and healing.

Connect With Fanny 

Fanny Tristan is the founder of Her Soul Supply and a licensed clinical social worker with over 15 years of experience supporting women of color through life’s transitions. Her deep understanding of the unique challenges faced by Black and Brown women fuels her commitment to empowering them to thrive—on their own terms.

Her Soul Supply | Instagram

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer: This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools. Coping With Ghosting does not provide health care or psychological therapy services and does not diagnose or treat any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or registered professionals.


Ghosted? You deserve peace of mind. Explore coaching with Gretta today.

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Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages). When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta Perlmutter:

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted, betrayed or left behind. I'm your host, Gretta, and this show is all about single pride and healing loneliness after a romantic relationship ends due to ghosting or any other type of betrayal. My guest is Fanny Tristan, women's empowerment coach, trauma therapist, mom, wife and daughter of Afro-Peruvian immigrants. Fanny is a retreat leader who's passionate about helping single women of color thrive, and she runs Her Soul Supply, a wellness collective for single women of color thrive. And she runs Her Soul Supply, a wellness collective for single women of color. Thank you for joining me today, Fanny.

Fanny Tristan:

Thank you for having me, Gretta. I'm so happy to be here.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Me too. So many people who have been betrayed or ghosted experience deep feelings of loneliness, and I love what you wrote in a recent Instagram post. It says loneliness doesn't come from being single. It comes from believing the lies that you're not enough on your own. And there's so many cultural and societal beliefs that often shape our experiences of loneliness, especially after we've been betrayed. So I have a two-part question around this, and the first one is how do cultural and societal expectations contribute to feelings of loneliness for women of color? And, second, what are some common beliefs that can make loneliness hard for everyone?

Fanny Tristan:

Oh yeah, definitely, that's a really good question. So I have this theory that for, honestly, all women I don't even think this is just for women of color but I think there's something about being a single woman of a certain age that kind of kickstarts this shame spiral about not being enough, about not being partnered, so you're not enough or you're not complete or you're not fulfilled. And I think that that is very cultural from a gender standpoint, and what I mean by that is that I don't think it's specifically racial. Sometimes it can be a bit geographical, because I think there are certain parts of the world where women are expected to marry younger than others. I'm coming from New York City. Women aren't getting married till they're like in their late 30s. We just tend to do these things later versus maybe some women in other countries, or even in the American South. People tend to get married younger, right, but I theorize that there's something about the age 27.

Fanny Tristan:

After age 27, people stop being really encouraging about being a single woman, right, about living your best life, prioritizing your career, your education, which are all things that a lot of people grow up with in their families, right, they grow up being like you know focus on your studies. You know, do you like be? You know, make your parents proud, make yourself proud like, have your own stuff. And that's what you do, and that's what, you know, a lot of highly ambitious women do. And then somehow we hit 27 and all of a sudden the priorities change. All of a sudden it's going home for the holidays. Oh, you don't. When are you going to bring someone home?

Fanny Tristan:

You know, all of a sudden, all of these messages start trickling in around well, now there's a problem with the fact that you're single. Maybe you're indexing too much into your career. When are you going to settle down? You know, it's like the messages really start to change. And then they really really change once you're like in your 30s Because I feel like once you're 30, people start saying well, your biological clock, you know, like that. Then it turns into more of like a your clock is ticking situation, you're running out of time. And so I think that culturally, cross-culturally, women experience this because there's this foundational common thread that women have a specific purpose in their communities, thread that women have a specific purpose in their communities, but just to be mothers, but just to be supportive characters in a man's life, right, and that really speaks to a lot of like the patriarchal structures that we have in most cultures around the world.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I hear you and I've observed the same exact thing. I think that 27 theory is brilliant. I've definitely received those messages myself. The ticking time bomb piece is it is stressful, it's hard to go through that.

Fanny Tristan:

Definitely yeah. And you know, when I think back at my 20s because I did, did I found my partner, I am married, we have been together since my mid-20s and I look back and, you know, I get together with my girlfriends that I've known for many years and we look back at our early 20s and we're like, can you believe? We like, we're like 24 and we're like, damn, like we need to get it together, like we got really obsessed with dating, you know, and we just laugh now because here we are in like our late 30s and we're like we weren't ready to have children, we weren't ready to be in committed relationships, like we were having the best time of our lives. And then there was just this external pressure. Right, it wasn't coming from us, although there are a lot of communities where it does come from within, right Like a lot of people feel like they're stuck in groups of friends where it is very romance obsessed or romance centered, right, and I think that's another conversation.

Fanny Tristan:

But from the experience that I had in my 20s, like we were all living our best lives and then, all of a sudden, there were these kind of external factors that were like so are you going to take this seriously. Are you going to see him again? Are you going to do that, you know, and just really gnawing at this idea of longevity with another person?

Gretta Perlmutter:

Right and I've had friends that have said to me I'm not married, I don't have kids yet. I feel like a failure and that made me really sad and I pushed back against that narrative.

Fanny Tristan:

Yeah, well, because it's like think about where that comes from. Right, like there is this clear message that we get as young girls that what makes us fulfilled women is a family, right. And so what happens when you live in a world where you are firing off on all cylinders Right, you've got the career you want, you're healthy, you've got great friendships right, like you know, you have a good relationship with your parents and you know whatever. Like you're living your best life. But it's like the confidence doesn't match the person. Right, like you, you everyone can think of someone that they love in their life. That's like a good friend who will show up for them and are just like great people. And you're like, why aren't they confident? Like, why don't they have the confidence to match that? And it's usually because they're single, right, it's because they're like well, but there's this one thing Like no one's choosing me. And because no one's choosing me, then there's something wrong with me or I'm not doing it right. So I'm not as amazing as people think that I am.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Oh, that's so sad. your relationship status and your worth are two independent variables. They have nothing to do with each other. You're worthy and you're whole and you're awesome even when you're single, right.

Fanny Tristan:

Exactly. Yeah, they're completely different things and I think that we are just kind of programmed to be on these like relationship escalators, right, that we're supposed to do all of these like individual things, right, like be in certain social circles, be within certain industries, you know, dress a certain way, be attractive in a certain way, because they're all like predecessors to get on this escalator with someone, and so that's the dating and the engagement and the marriage and the kids, and I think a lot of people just they're not on that escalator or they get off that escalator and society just thinks that that's bad, like that's that's the wrong thing to do, when in reality we've always had different paths, you know.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Right, and you were born an original, so do not die a photocopy. This is my ultimate favorite quote. I can't remember who said it, off the top of my head, but I'm obsessed with that quote. Okay, so let's circle back to loneliness. So how can these cultural and societal expectations really contribute to the feelings of loneliness? Because we kind of talked about feeling like you're not there yet, feeling kind of unworthy, like you're not being chosen when you're single. But what about loneliness?

Fanny Tristan:

When you talk about loneliness, you need to talk about your capacity to self-soothe, because what I often see with a lot of folks that I work with is they are lonely, which is a completely valid experience, right.

Fanny Tristan:

Like human beings, we were social beings, no-transcript. You have moved on further in your healing than you really have, and that's a really slippery slope, right, because people then end up in these like toxic cycles of either breaking up again or just not really going through their own process of healing and learning from what they've been through and self-soothing, and so they build this dependency, right, and you're just not starting the new thing off to a good start, right. And so it's really, really important for people to be able to develop a sense of soothing yourself and not create this dependency that someone else is the answer to you feeling better about being alone, because I think there's a big difference between being physically alone and being kind of emotionally alone. Right, I live in a city of 8 million people. I'm never alone, but there's a lot of lonely people in this city, right, that's a different conversation. It's not about just having a body.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Absolutely. I lived in New York City for a hot minute few years and I felt lonely when I was there. I really struggled with it. It was hard. What are your top tips for self-soothing when you're feeling lonely?

Fanny Tristan:

In order for someone to self-soothe. I think there are certain elements that you want to have in place. One you have to know yourself. You have to get to know yourself right, and so that may mean tapping into things like activities that make you feel nourished, that recharge your battery. Right, and that's different for everybody. Right, that could be engaging your body, it could be fitness, it could be calling a friend, it could be calling a family member. Right, it could be learning something new. Right, and I think, something else that's very mindset focused around.

Fanny Tristan:

Experiencing loneliness is interrogating that deficit, that you feel like you're lacking something. Right, and so, if we can recognize that loneliness is a very natural emotion, right To have this kind of inner feeling of emptiness. Right, it just means that you need to fill it. Right, that doesn't mean it has to be with romance, it doesn't mean that it has to be with a different person, but does it mean that you need to tap into something that makes you believe that there's more out there than you think there is? Right?

Fanny Tristan:

My favorite quote that I say to clients is the world is always bigger than you think it is. We put ourselves in boxes most of the time, and so when we are willing to open up to new things, right, like, go to that community function or try that thing you saw online, even if it's scary, even if it's weird, like you have no idea what's on the other side. You know what's on this side, feeling lonely, right? So what do we have to lose, right? If we're willing to put ourselves in spaces that show us how much bigger the world is and that we don't know everybody, that we don't know how everyone functions, we don't know how everything is going to actually make us feel. So we have to try things.

Gretta Perlmutter:

One thing that really helps me connect with community is volunteer work. I live near the ocean and I like to clean the beach with a cohort of people who are also volunteers, and it makes me feel like I'm contributing, while I am contributing to the cleanliness of the environment and the ocean, but also I love connecting with the people who also really care about the same cause. So that's one way to connect and try to make friends.

Fanny Tristan:

Good idea and I think that that's the thing right Is do things that you care about. That's the thing. Right Is do things that you care about, that you enjoy, right? I feel like a common thing I hear from folks is like well, like, go to a workout class and meet people at your. I'm like, first of all, I've been going to the same workout class for years. Okay, only after like a couple months where people like, oh hey, I've seen you before. Oh, do you where? You know, where do you live? How far do you, how far do you travel to come here? Right, people don't do that on the first time. They see you at the workout class. Right, I think there's.

Fanny Tristan:

I think people take this idea and then they do the thing that they feel most comfortable about the idea, which is like oh, I'll go to a workout class, but is it a workout class you want to go to regularly, because that's how you're going to actually connect with people, right? Is it something you actually enjoy? Because then it'll be easier for you to find something to talk about, right? Like you're going to talk about the environment, if you're going to clean up the beach, you're going to talk about how much you don't like litterers? Like what do you do when you see someone? You litter, you know, like you're going to make jokes about that. So you know, I think we often stop ourselves when we just think about like the first impression. Right, we're like, oh, people aren't going to like me, or because of the way I look, or I don't have nice clothes, or I don't look like these people in this ad, and then they stop there.

Fanny Tristan:

They don't think that they qualify to do this fun thing, when in reality, what qualifies you is your interest in the thing, because that's what makes it fun for everybody else. Is you having a shared interest and wanting to be able to do that again or connect again over that shared interest.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Exactly and to your point. The people who are not going to approach you because of the way you look or because of the way you're dressed, they're not your people. Because of the way you look or because of the way you're dressed, they're not your people. Nope, they're not.

Fanny Tristan:

Oh man, yeah, I say that all the time, like when I have clients who, especially when they're in this kind of post breakup season and they kind of talk about how like they want to do all of these social things, like after they lose the weight, like after they look a certain way, and I'm kind of like, but what are we doing here? Like is the assumption that these people that you imagine are going to be your people, that are going to like you when you're thinner, are people that won't like you now, and so you're going to just actively seek out to make friends that are fat phobic or, you know, are really superficial, and like, is that what you're seeking? Like that's the kind of community that you're seeking, you know, and then you have to keep up with that, and so you know, let's be honest with ourselves about what it is that we're actually looking for.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Absolutely. There's a lot of people who say I want to make friends, I want to date again, but I'm scared because I was ghosted or I was cheated on or somebody scammed me and now I just can't trust anyone. So what would you say to that?

Fanny Tristan:

Yeah, I think that we need to lean into the idea that trust is not a binary you know, trust is not this black and white thing and that it can be really self-sabotaging to make sweeping generalizations about people, because something happened a couple of times with one person, two people, right, are people out here cheating? Yes, are people out here with poor communication skills and just ghosting, because they'd rather do that than have these mature conversations? Yes, they 100% exist, right. But are we going to now say that that is everybody, or everybody in this gender group, or everyone that looks like this? They all do this thing. That's a huge generalization, yeah, right. And so we end up kind of blocking our own blessings, in a way, because there is going to be that person that looks like that, that isn't, you know, going to be disrespectful, or has done the work and is a better communicator than that person that you used to be, right, and are we going to just like, pretend they don't exist because this person from your past harmed you? You know, I often think of it as this person that caused you harm, that has brought you to that conclusion that people like this are like this. Right, that this is going to happen again to me, because this person did this to me. I want us to really recognize that, if that's the lesson that we're getting from this person's behavior that harmed us, we're actually continuing to empower them by letting them continue to have that level of influence over the way that we decide things in our lives and decide future connections with people. It's like, in a way, they still live with us.

Fanny Tristan:

You know and I do that a lot in my trauma work as a therapist you know we talk a lot about the way that we have like a trauma lens, right, that when we're in this like non-recovery place in trauma, that it is like a lens that we have on right, like we experience something traumatic. And so now we have the lens of trauma and we see the world that way, we see ourselves that way, other people and the world, right, and so every decision we make is like a trauma response, right, well, we don't do things like that, or we don't go to places like that because of the thing that happened, so like we don't do that, but it really takes us away from the reality of what's happening, right, because if we took the glasses off, we would see a little bit more nuance, right, we might be like, okay, like, yes, that is reminding me of this thing that happened, but like, are all the factors the same? Because I also know. I also know different things. I've also grown from that experience and so can I.

Fanny Tristan:

I can trust my judgment a little more than before, right, like being able to challenge that thinking and and be able to trust your judgment, right, and and not come from a place of fear. And so when people are worried about building community because they don't trust, because they've been harmed by people, right, you want to think about, well, how much of that is influenced from people that have harmed you before and how much influence you want them to still have in your life. Right, because in a way, you're now perpetuating the harm and they don't even have to be there.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Yeah, trust is earned, not given, and you now have the power to observe people and see if their actions are aligned with their words and vice versa, and decide for yourself if you want to invite them into your inner circle for yourself if you want to invite them into your inner circle. You hold the keys to building up your community and your romantic life, and you don't just have to give in to anyone. Be selective and watch them first before you trust them 100%. Yeah.

Gretta Perlmutter:

So, I just got. I was like that felt like a, that felt like a Ted talk. I was just like, boom, observe them. Okay, yeah. So take it one day at a time as you get to know somebody. You don't have to give them all your trust right off the bat.

Fanny Tristan:

Exactly, exactly, exactly, and really give to yourself possibility, you know, and because the alternative is to just not do anything, right, and that perpetuates that loneliness, that feeling of disconnection, right, only we are going to be able to do that, to change that pattern for ourselves.

Gretta Perlmutter:

What are some common behaviors that exacerbate feelings of loneliness?

Fanny Tristan:

So I think, kind of what we just talked about right is this idea of, like, closing yourself off to new experiences right, Whether that is trying a new activity, doing something alone and seeing if you might meet someone refusing to really open yourself up to something new, essentially, I think, are behaviors that tend to perpetuate loneliness. You know how they say like, live a life of yes, right. Say yes more right.

Fanny Tristan:

I think that that's what they mean, right, Like that's what they're talking about of like how do you open doors for yourself, how do you create opportunities for the future you to be different? And I think you have to say yes, more you have to be curious, more you have to lead with a little bit more curiosity in order to be able to determine whether something is a good fit for you or not. But to look at something for face value and say it's not for you, I think we really miss out on a lot of things.

Gretta Perlmutter:

Right and a lot of people isolate and then they're on social media just scrolling, feeling lonelier than ever. Maybe you feel a little bit of connection because you get a little bit of connection, because you get a peek into somebody else's life or at least the curated content that they want you to see. But that can really hurt, especially if you're comparing yourself to those people.

Fanny Tristan:

Yeah, exactly, I think that there's a time and place for social media, and you know, I'm on there, you know her soul supplies posting all sorts of educational content, you know.

Fanny Tristan:

But you know, I think the purpose is always to get offline, right, like find me, discover me, because I have something to say that might make you feel better. And what's the next step? It's not stay on social. The next step is come to an event or, you know, let's learn more in community with other people. I have this live masterclass that I do every month.

Fanny Tristan:

It's called Single, empowered and Free, where I talk about all of the different systems that women experience that contribute to them feeling like they're not good enough. So we talk about the marriage industrial complex. We talk about racism, sexism, the patriarchy, talk about machismo, culture, right, and how all of these systems really created this foundation of who we're supposed to be and how we're supposed to be prepped to get on this escalator, right. And so what happens when you are a woman of a certain age who has not gotten on that escalator or got off that escalator? And so we kind of workshop through a lot of those theories and do some reflections together around well, what would it mean to not apply that to our lives? And have we really asked ourselves those questions around what that alternative could be and really kickstart this new plan of like what could my singlehood look like if I didn't think that I wasn't enough or that I didn't center romance in my happiness?

Gretta Perlmutter:

I love that. You are doing great work. Thank you, yeah, Fanny, we've talked about so many different things. Is there anything else that you'd like to elaborate on or share with viewers and listeners about what we discussed today?

Fanny Tristan:

I just want to remind folks that the world is always bigger than you think it is, and so do the thing, sign up for the thing, go on the trip if it's, you know that, one ticket to that retreat. You know um, explore, because as much as you have lived through hard things, you know I think there's always still something to learn. And so if you are seeking, you know space and community, you know affinity spaces, like you know Her Soul Supply right, where single women of color are really talking about these things that really impact them right. Join those things right, because you deserve more.

Gretta Perlmutter:

You always do you deserve the best, for sure. How can listeners connect with you?

Fanny Tristan:

Yeah, so you can follow me on social media. I'm on Instagram and TikTok at Hersoul Supply. You can also sign up for my newsletter through my website at hersoulsupplycom. At hersoulsupplycom, the unapologetically single insider is what I like to call it. I send some tips and affirmations and updates on my offerings every week and folks can join my live masterclass single, empowered and free and sign up on my website.

Gretta Perlmutter:

I'm so grateful that you took the time to be here today, so thank you.

Fanny Tristan:

Yes, thank you so much. Happy to be here.

Gretta Perlmutter:

If you enjoyed this episode, please hit the subscribe button on YouTube or wherever you're listening to podcasts, and please leave a comment and a rating. If you'd like some more healing guidance, follow my Instagram at copingwithghosting. Sign up for my coaching. I also have copingwithghosting101 on my website. It's a workshop you can download to get help after you've been ghosted. And finally, remember when you're ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best.