Coping With Ghosting

Episodes I Love: A Soothing Message For Anyone Who Has Been Ghosted

• Gretta Perlmutter, MA, Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach • Season 1 • Episode 87

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If you've been abandoned in a relationship, this episode is for you. Whether a friend disappeared, a business partner left you on read, or the love of your life ghosted - this episode will explain why it's not personal. It's not your fault, and you didn't deserve this. This show was initially published in 2022. 

*NOTE: Being "ghosted" is different from leaving an abusive situation without a goodbye - that is "self-protection." It's also different from disappearing after a boundary has been violated; that is "self-respect."

Connect with Gretta:

Private Coaching with Gretta

Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost

Free Coping With Ghosting Guide

Free Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 


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Note to All Listeners: Ghosting is defined as: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication (Oxford Languages). When you leave an abusive situation without saying "goodbye," it's not ghosting, it's "self-protection." When you quietly exit a relationship after a boundary has been violated, it's not ghosting, it's "self-respect."

Gretta:

A soothing message for anyone who's been ghosted is an episode that I'm resharing from the archives. I love this episode and right now I'm just taking a little break as I focus on writing my book about coping with ghosting in love, dating situationships, romantic relationships, marriage you name it, so enjoy the show. Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing and understanding to anyone who has been ghosted. I'm Gretta and I'm here in my sunny office in Southern California. I have spent the day packing my stuff because I'm about to go spend the summer in the East Coast with some of my best friends, and, after having friends ghost, it makes me appreciate the people who are in my life even more. In fact, my friends are exceptional people, so shout out to them if they are listening.

Gretta:

Today I want to share a soothing message about my experiences with ghosting. It's really for anyone who has been ghosted in any walk of life, whether that's friendship or in business or in love. Listen to this when you're struggling, if you're feeling sad or dealing with some anger issues, or even if you just want to hear comforting words. But before I begin, I want to thank everyone who's left a review of this show. I've read each and every review, and I am so grateful for your kind words, and if you haven't yet reviewed the show, I invite you to do so. I really want you to take a few minutes just to leave a review, because that way, with the algorithm, it can help show my podcast to more people, and I know that there are people out there who are suffering after being ghosted and could really use some helpful words. So thank you in advance for taking the time to do that. As a reminder, I'm not a licensed mental health professional, so please take what you like and leave the rest, and if you're in a place where you can do so, I invite you to sit back, relax, take a deep breath in and let it out.

Gretta:

I have been ghosted one too many times. I know firsthand how awful being ghosted can be. I'm a highly sensitive person and I'm familiar with the side effects the anxiety, shame, insomnia, self-sabotage, fear, the confidence issues, not to mention the trust issues. I know what it's like to spin out and think nonstop what did I do wrong? Am I ever going to feel better? How could this happen to me? I know what it feels like to want to seek revenge. I wanted to get back at my ghost because in the moment I felt like they deserved it. I know what it feels like to be furious with myself for making them leave and even more angry at them for leaving. I know what it feels like to wallow in self-pity. I know what it feels like to wallow in self-pity and I understand questioning, the not knowing, the worry. Is this person okay? Did they die? I know what it feels like to have my brain hijacked by nonstop thoughts of the ghost, wondering what did I do wrong and going over every single detail of the relationship in my mind. I know what it's like to be afraid of letting new people in my life for fear that they too will ghost me. I've suffered and wondered and waited and I've been through the darkness. I've been shattered and broken, but I'm happy to report that I've made it to the other side. I found my way back to myself. I found my way to a place of peace, calm, comfort and confidence. I worked hard to get here.

Gretta:

I now know that when somebody suddenly leaves a relationship and cuts off contact unexpectedly, with no warning, when there's no abuse present, when no boundaries have been violated, when they just suddenly disappear, well, that's never personal. When somebody doesn't say goodbye. It's not my fault. It's not my fault that the ghost didn't have the maturity, decency or respect to kindly part ways. It's not my fault that I was left unread to kindly part ways. It's not my fault that I was left on read. The ghost is responsible for their behavior, period. I'm not responsible for anyone else's behavior. Ghosting doesn't mean anything about me. It's not about what I said or didn't say, or said too much of. It's not about what I did or didn't do, and I certainly didn't deserve this.

Gretta:

Dr Natalie Jones once came on my podcast and she said ghosting happens to everybody. If you are dealing with a person who's done it to you, chances are that they've probably done it 10, 20, 30, or more times to other people before they got to you. That's just how they move. Ghosting can happen to anyone, at any age. It doesn't matter what you look like. It has nothing to do with your physical appearance or your worthiness for love. Being ghosted is unrelated to your economic status and it's never about you. Really, it can happen for any reason. So please never, ever, blame yourself for being ghosted. Listen to this quote by Malia Coy. Listen to this quote by Malia Coy who says as a therapist.

Gretta:

Clients have admitted to ghosting as a protection when the relationship was going really well. They felt terrified of a safe, secure, emotionally available partner. They ended the relationship abruptly because it was going well and feared showing someone they admired their vulnerable, insecure parts. Ghosting can be so harmful because those being ghosted often cling to their worst fears about themselves and in many cases that's not true. I find it quite harmful to try and understand the ghoster's motivation. Malia is right it is harmful to try to understand their motivation. It's harmful to assume any reason why you were ghosted. In truth, ghosting tells a story about the ghost. It says this person was unable or chose not to end the relationship with compassionate communication. They are saying that they don't have the ability to show up in a mature relationship at this time.

Gretta:

I think ghosting is cruel. Ghosting is unacceptable. It's completely disrespectful and when it comes to love, the one would never ghost. A soulmate would never ghost. And regarding friends who ghost, well, that's also incredibly painful.

Gretta:

I still love and miss my former friend who ghosted me. We had fun times together, making fudge, playing Barbies with her daughter, dipping our toes in the Pacific Ocean, and I'm grateful that she brought so much joy to my life before she stopped returning my texts and calls. When I think about her, I try to remember that I got to enjoy years of happiness with her. Yeah, the end was rough, but I don't regret a single moment we spent hanging out. I have accepted that I'll never know exactly why she left and I'm not waiting for an apology, and I have compassion for her and anyone else who goes. I have compassion for ghosts, because hurt people hurt people. But you know what I'm done talking about the ghosts for a minute, because I've learned that it's not my job to analyze my ghosts. It is my job to heal. And so I share my story with those I trust, with people who don't judge me for this, because they too know that it's not personal.

Gretta:

I shower myself with the love I so desperately wanted from those who left me. I treat my mind well and have self-compassion because I really did the best I could with the information, the resources, everything I knew at the time. If I have intense feelings pop up, I will allow myself to process them. When they arise, I'll allow myself to take all the time I need to grieve the loss of a person and the future that I thought we had together. One of my biggest priorities is to give my body the movement it needs, to be healthy, to feed myself the nutrition I crave, because movement and food influences the way I feel and I want to feel good. So I make a point to get out of my house to go to nature, to take my shoes off and put my feet on the earth. I make it a practice to breathe deeply, to meditate and relax, and I also make it a practice to be grateful for all the things that are going well in my life. This all helps me feel really good. I prioritize my mental health, my friends and my family, and this is all because I know I deserve to live my best life. I believe that life is meant to be enjoyed and I'm going to do everything I can to savor every single moment. I love and accept myself just as I am, and I hope you do too, because you, my friend, are healing and you are growing, and what happened to you doesn't define you. You're listening to this. That's an act of self-care and you are so strong for showing up for yourself. I believe in you. You are worthy, you are important, you matter.

Gretta:

I asked my Coping with Ghosting Instagram community to share helpful things that people said to them after being ghosted. Here are some of the things they listed Take your time to grieve. It's okay to miss your ghost from time to time. You're healing ghost from time to time. Your healing, your pain, is valid. One day you'll look back and you'll be thankful this person is out of your life. Love yourself and know your worth. This person was not the right fit because they didn't give you the respect you deserve and that's a quote from Jay Shetty, it's not personal. And finally, it's really about them.

Gretta:

Well, I feel like I just did a mini slam poetry session and it felt darn good. I'm passionate about this and I offer one-on-one coaching for anyone who wants to accelerate their healing after being ghosted. I also have a virtual support group. You can find all of the information at copingwithghostingcom and listeners, be sure to remember when you are ghosted, you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills. You deserve the best. Hi, it's Greta, and if my show has helped you in any way, shape or form, I would love for you to please take a couple of minutes to drop a quick review and a rating. Your words will help others find this safe space to heal, grow and glow up after pain. So if you've got a suck, hit that review button and be part of this healing movement. Thank you so much. You're amazing.