What to Do When the Person Who Ghosted You Returns in Love or Dating

In this episode, host Gretta, Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach, reveals exactly what to do when the person who ghosted you reappears and wants to come back to your life. You’ll learn how to protect your heart, set clear boundaries, and decide with confidence whether a reunion is truly right for you. You’ll discover:

• The types of relationships that aren't safe to go back to
• How to be a ghostbuster and shut down the haunting
• How to identify if the person who hurt you has grown and evolved to the point where they are unlikely to vanish again
• How to know if you feel ready to rekindle a spark with your former partner
• The first steps to getting back together with a rehabilitated ghost

By the end of this show, you’ll understand what you need and what they must show in order to begin building a healthy relationship.
Note: While this episode focuses on romantic reunions and dating, many of the insights can also be applied to friendships and family relationships.

Connect With Gretta:
👻Free Guide: What to Say To Your Ghost
✨Coaching With Gretta
❤️‍🩹Free and Private Facebook Support Group | 🌻 Instagram | YouTube ✨copingwithghosting.com

Resources Mentioned:

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

12 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship - Cleveland Clinic Article

Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Happiness, and Confidence by Dr. Debi Silber
 
Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only; it solely provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or other registered professionals. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Content Warning
• 3:22 What to do when a ghost comes back
• 7:33 Building a New Foundation
• 11:36 Seven Signs of a Changed Ghost
• 20:47 Making Your Decision
• 23:55 Final Thoughts and Resources

Transcript

Gretta: 0:15

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing, and understanding for anyone who's been ghosted, betrayed, or hurt in relationships. I'm your host, Gretta, certified post-betrayal transformation coach. And today we're having a heart-to-heart about what to do when the person who ghosted you comes back. Before we begin, I just want to give a gentle content warning that this episode mentions abuse. So please take care while listening and step away if you need to. This episode is inspired by the book I'm currently writing called Coping with Ghosting in Love. So, what I'm about to discuss is for people who are in dating, romance, or an intimate relationship with the ghost, but a lot of the principles of healthy relationships that I will share can be applied to friendships or even familial relationships. So if that's you, please stay tuned. Now, whether you want to shut a ghost down or rekindle a relationship with them, or maybe you're just uncertain about what to do, this episode is for you. And as always, take what you like and leave the rest. Real quick before I dive in, I just want new listeners and viewers to know that the definition that I use for ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication. That's from the Oxford Dictionary. And this is really different than uh leaving an abusive situation without a goodbye. That's defined as self-protection. And it's also different from disappearing after a communicated boundary has been violated, because when you do that, that's self-respect. I also want to ensure that we are on the same page about something, and that is when an abusive ghost pops back up into your life and wants to reconnect, whatever you do, please don't go back. Because if somebody is punishing, devaluing, or instilling fear in you, whether this is verbally, financially, sexually, emotionally, physically, it's an unsafe dynamic. And even the act of ghosting itself can be a form of emotional abuse when it's part of a repeated pattern used to intentionally harm, control, or exploit you. So if you feel like you're being abused in any way, please reach out for support. You don't have to wait until things get worse. It's valid at any stage to reach out. In the United States, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The number is 1-800-799-7233 for confidential help. If you feel unsafe, call 911 or your local emergency number. And for those listening outside of the US, please search for domestic violence hotline in your country for support. You are number one. Reuniting with a romantic ghost is a hot topic that I feel really strongly about. You're gonna see me get real passionate in this episode because I only want the best for you. And in the past, I wouldn't have chosen the best thing for myself. There was a man that I was dating who ghosted me. He actually inspired this podcast. And I would have done everything and anything to get back together with him. And I'm glad it didn't work out because ultimately he, you know, he ghosted. So it was very clear that he wasn't the best communicator. And I don't think we would have had a healthy relationship. And speaking of healthy relationships, I wasn't the healthiest person in my relationships either, back in the past. And longtime listeners know that I've done a ton of work. I've gone to therapy support groups, like I've become the most self-helpiest person that I know. And I transformed who I am. And there are people capable of massive change. So I'm gonna remain open-minded to the possibility of reconnecting with a former partner who's undergone a significant transformation in their behavior and communication style in relationships. So you're probably wondering, what do I do when a ghost comes back? Well, if a ghost resurfaces and tries to restart your relationship, pause, take your sweet time and decide how do you want to proceed? You don't have to answer a ghost right away. You don't have to justify how you feel, you don't have to respond. It is perfectly acceptable to ignore this person who hurt you. And I would say that when you do that, when you ignore the ghost, it's just protecting your emotional space. Like you never have to rekindle this relationship. You don't owe this person who coldly banished anything at this point. I mean, it's possible if you were married to them or there's some legal thing going on, you might want to hire a third party, like a mediator or a lawyer, or like just have a friend go and talk to them on your behalf. But in general, you don't. If you want to ghost bust with language and respectfully communicate your disinterest, you can do it in a short and sweet message. Uh, viewers on YouTube will see I'm wearing my Ghostbuster shirt today. So you could say something like, Thanks for reaching out. However, I'm unavailable for this connection. Please don't contact me again. Or I was disappointed when I didn't hear from you for an extended period of time. My energy is valuable and I've moved on. So I'm not interested in reconnecting. Take care of yourself. All right. So if you're gonna send something like that, you might want to think about it. Um, take some time to craft that text message, or or if you say it to their face, like, you know, just be thoughtful about the words that are coming out of your mouth because this is something that I don't want you to look back on and regret. This is something to kind of think about. Like I said, pause and take your time on how you want to get back to them. And also, if you do send them a text like that, I would recommend sending it sober because you never know what they're gonna send back. And also, if you tell them, please don't contact me again, and then they write back to you, you can just ignore it and uphold your boundary. You're not ghosting them. You've already told them you're done with this relationship. So yeah, just be clear on what you want before you send off that text. So if you're somebody who's like, no, no, no, I really want to be back with my ghost again. I'm so excited. I have the opportunity to reconcile. All right, we're gonna do this with intention. So write a list of the behaviors you require in an intimate relationship. So, not things like, oh, I need them to be a certain height or, you know, have a certain profession, that kind of thing. I want you to really focus on your fundamental values. And I pulled up a great article from the Cleveland Clinic called 12 signs you're in a healthy relationship. I'll put this in the show notes. It's a really short read, but this is the type of thing that I want you to use as inspiration for that relationship list that I want you to write. You can write it in a journal or the notes app in your phone. So the highlights of this article, it says it's easy to get swept off your feet and all the twists and turns a new relationship has to offer. But once you begin building a solid foundation, these key signs reinforce a long-lasting healthy relationship. One, respect. You both know what it means to each other. Two, you trust one another and that trust is earned. A side note, you're gonna slowly rebuild trust with this ghost. Three, when the going gets tough, you find a way to communicate. Four, you agree to disagree. In other words, um, when you disagree with them, you find a way to compromise. Five, you can forgive each other. Six, you're both committed to the relationship. Seven, you're kind to each other. Eight, you enjoy each other's company and support each other's goals. Nine, you're good at making decisions together. 10. You don't dodge difficulty. 11. You're comfortable in who you are and independent from your partner. 12. You're comfortable with each other even when you're not on, you can be vulnerable around them. Okay, so once you write your list, this is gonna serve as a guide for what you desire in this relationship with the healed ghost and any other romantic love type dating, marriage relationship you you desire. And I don't want you to settle for anything less. Here's the thing: if you get back with the ghost, you're not going back to the same type of dynamic that you had in the past with them. You're going to build a healthier relationship with an entirely new foundation that includes your list of what you need in a relationship. If you're unprepared to voice your concerns, set boundaries, be assertive, like stand up for yourself, I recommend taking time to focus on yourself and your healing. You don't have to go back to the ghost right now, because being with them is going to take time, effort, energy. And all of those precious resources are best invested in yourself. So if you're feeling stuck, shattered, devastated, really heartbroken from being ghosted in general, now's not the time to really just put all this energy into ghost. So if this is you, I can help. I offer private coaching for individuals who've been ghosted or betrayed and want to reclaim their power. You can visit copingwithghosting.com. You can look at my show notes for a link to that. You know, if the ghost seriously wants to be with you, they'll wait around until you're ready to be with them. Now, let's assume you've done all the work to heal after being ghosted and you know what you want and you're eager to be in a relationship. I don't want to burst your bubble, but the ghost is likely to have not taken the time to heal or really upgrade their communication style. People can change. Like I changed, but most people don't. And it's it's a lot of work to do, you know, drastic self-improvement. If you do restart a relationship with a ghost, it's possible that they're gonna vanish again. I've lived through this and it was rough. So don't do that if your ghost hasn't changed. But the thing is, there's really good news because there are very, very distinct behavioral markers that indicate that a ghost is now emotionally available for a trustworthy relationship. And the signs I'm sharing today are inspired by Dr. Debbie Silver's book, Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence, and Happiness. And of course, I'll put her book in the show notes. So here are the signs that a ghost may be ready for this relationship with you. One, a healed ghost will acknowledge that they disappeared. Okay, even if they don't say, I ghosted you or use the word ghosting, they're gonna recognize and admit that they abruptly left you for an extended period of time without an explanation. Like one of my biggest, biggest pet peeves is when the ghost comes back and is like, hey, or they send a text message, Merry Christmas. It's like they never disappeared and that they just want to kind of pick up where they left off. It is obnoxious. It is called submarining. It's named after a submarine that submerges briefly underwater and then resurfaces. And if this happens to you, like feel free to take or leave this advice, but I really recommend ignoring their tragic attempt at communication. Just block them, tell them to leave you alone. I just think it's so important to never let a ghost just like waltz back into your life when they don't even have the decency to acknowledge that they ignored your communications for an extended period of time. Like it's so annoying, and it's the ultimate sign that they are unavailable for an honest relationship at this time. And as a side note, it's not worth trying to convince them of what they did. Like, don't say, Yeah, you did ghost me. Listen, you can't change a zebra's stripes. In the book Trust Again, Dr. Debbie Silver shares her extensive PhD study on betrayal, which includes a section where she identifies three groups of participants who didn't heal from betrayal. And one cluster of individuals who didn't improve were those whose betrayer faced no consequences. In fact, they had the most physical symptoms because they just swept their problems under the rug and they behaved like there was nothing different in this relationship, even after they were betrayed in it. So our takeaway from this is saying nothing to the ghost and just like pretending that it didn't even happen. It's a recipe for disaster. Moving on to the second sign, a ghost who's ready to be in a relationship with you is gonna apologize for what they did. So they'll say something like, I'm so sorry for the way I behaved. I wish I hadn't treated you like this. When possible, you want to be able to sense their sincerity through cues you can access. Like this might be their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their body language, maybe they're crying, you know, unless they're an actor. They're an actor, you're gonna need like way more. But the goal is to see that they are remorseful. And if they say something like, I'm sorry that you felt hurt, that's a non-apology. It minimizes what they did, it shifts the responsibility to you, it shows that this ghost isn't ready for a new relationship at this time. Like a genuine apology centers around their behavior and not your reaction. So if the person who ghosted you has no remorse, it's time to keep your standards really, really, really high and just say bye-bye. And no, I didn't mean for that to rhyme. Number three, a rehabilitated ghost has empathy. So if you tell them, like, you know, I felt a roller coaster of emotions when you left, it was really painful. They'll understand that they caused you to feel hurt. They acknowledge how their actions impacted you. But if they're like, gosh, you're so sensitive or you take things so seriously, like save yourself the heartache and let them go back to their grave. Now, the fourth item is that if a ghost can't own what they did, then they really just don't deserve access to your life. It's garbage if they blame you. It's garbage if they say it's your fault or like oh, I get I get so mad. I get so mad. Okay. Take a hard pass on reconnecting with a ghost who who says that this was your fault because this isn't about you at all. This was about their behavior, and their behavior is a choice. So this is this is not your fault in any way, shape, or form. I have lots of episodes about that. Uh, where I where most of the episodes tell you being ghosted is not your fault. It's a them problem, not a you problem. And it's also important that they take full responsibility and they just they don't make up excuses. Like, okay, an excuse that I think is really common to the ghosts is, well, I was suffering from mental health problems. And I have a lot of compassion for people who are suffering from mental health problems. I get it, it's it's really, really, really, really hard. But it's it's minimizing the harm that they did to you. And it's unhelpful when it comes to betrayal. Like there's a really big difference between a transparent explanation and an excuse. If they have a reason that holds themselves accountable and it demonstrates positive change, then that's really different. So that is something that might sound like when I ghosted, I was suffering from a mental health condition. It doesn't justify what I did. I take full responsibility for my actions. I'm so sorry for all the pain I put you through. And I'm in therapy right now. I've been working on myself, and I will never ever ghost you again. I'll do whatever I can. I want to be with you. What can I do to make this right? So that leads me to number five: a ghost who's ready for a relationship with you, they're gonna have a burning desire to make things up to you. They're motivated to rebuild trust. So you tell them what you need for the relationship. Maybe that sounds like, hey, I want to have a phone call every single night, or a video chat every night, or like let's see each other in person weekly. Like a healed ghost is gonna be willing, able, and enthusiastic about putting in the effort to rebuild with you. They need to be able to have open conversations about conflict when it arises. Like, don't settle for someone who discarded you and now has zero intention in making things right. Number six, for the relationship to work, your values and relationship goals must align. So it's a good time to ask questions like, where do you see our relationship going? Because if you want a monogamous, committed, exclusive, romantic relationship, but they're like, oh, polyamorous hookups are my whole thing, and like I want to be with all these people. Well, it's not a match. So if the ghost is like, well, you're you're asking for too much, you can tell them, go find less. Seven, a healthy ghost is gonna come clean about what they did when they were missing in action. They're not gonna keep secrets from you, they're gonna be up front about all their shenanigans. Like the truth may be challenging to hear. So maybe have a friend uh on call waiting for you if the conversation goes south, or you know, this could be something that you bring to couples counseling. If the person you were with was with multiple people or physically intimate with others while they were away from you, what does that mean for the future with them? So you need to talk about that. So those are all the signs that the ghost has changed and that now we have a really solid foundation to work with to slowly, slowly build up this relationship because you've seen that they actually care and that you're on the same page and that you want to start again in a new healthy way with a new relationship because you're feeling better and they're feeling better, and now we're able to communicate everything. Okay. So if the person who ghosted you doesn't meet all those requirements, right, don't try to change them. You can't force or change or control a ghost or anyone else for that matter. And if this person fails to show up with respect and remorse, they're just proving that they're still not ready for this healthy connection with you. And it's gonna be impossible if you're doing all the effort for the relationship or if your values are misaligned. So do not wait for their potential, see them for who they are now, believe what they say. And if the ghost can't provide what you need, stay strong and maintain your boundaries and know that this is just time to go back and do more healing if that's what you need. Okay, we've covered a lot. If at this point you're grappling with the choice to reunite with the ghost, let me ask you a very direct question. Do you want to be with them? What's the first thing that came to your mind? If it was yes, honor that. And if it was no way, trust that. Because you don't need to justify how you feel right now. You don't have to second guess yourself. You're not obligated to be in this relationship. This is a choice that you get to make. And if you're like, I don't know, I feel I don't know, write a pro and con list, journal your emotions, discuss your decision-making process with your support network. Of course, I offer coaching sessions. You can sign up with me, we can talk about this. And another idea is just to spend time with the ghost and notice how you feel when you're with them. I mean, like I said, you can take your sweet time, you can spend time with them and hang out, and you can always end a relationship at any point. So notice how you're feeling. Are you are you walking on eggshells or do you feel safe and respected? Do you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside? Like this person values you and they're doing everything they can to help you feel secure because that's that's how you want to feel. And if you choose to reconcile with this person, remember, use your voice, maintain firm boundaries with them. Shattered trust can be rebuilt through honorable and consistent actions over time, but it's a process. So if you if you had said, like, we want to talk every single day, we're gonna talk, and they're like, Yeah, I totally agree to that. And then they go missing for a week, or they give you the silent treatment again, or they're lying to you, or they're disrespectful, like it's it's not the right fit, right? Because a change ghost isn't perfect, but they're gonna make an effort to be kind and work with you and follow through on things and honor their word and repair conflicts as they arise. So take things slowly. You can always end this if it's not working out. You deserve to be in loving relationships with kind, mature, and honest communicators. There's a lot more I have to say about this topic, which is why I'm writing a book, Coping with Ghosting in Love. And for now, please subscribe to my YouTube. Follow me at Coping with Ghosting on social media. I have a wonderful free and private Facebook support group. And if you're enjoying this show, I would love your feedback. Please leave a rating, comment, review. I really appreciate it. So finally remember: no matter what you're facing, you are not alone. You're worthy of care and connection. You deserve the best. One last note this podcast is for education and support only. Coping with ghosting provides self-help tools, but does not offer therapy or medical care. The medical disclaimer in the show notes has all the details. Take care.