Finding Your People & Building a Village After Betrayal ft. Florence Ann Romano

Are you seeking a fresh start for your friendship circle? 🌟

In this episode of Coping With Ghosting, Host Gretta speaks with Florence Ann Romano, author of Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, about intentionally building a community and fostering healthy connections.

🎧 In this episode, we discuss:

• Evaluating Your Relationships: Tips for mindfully reflecting on your friendships to see if they are fulfilling and aligned with your values. 
• Friendship Red Flags: The "micro-signals" of when a relationship may need to end.
• Ending Friendships with Integrity: When to intentionally walk away from an outgrown relationship with compassion.
• Healing Friendship Burnout: How to navigate a relationship when your friend is having an emotional crisis or health issue. 
• How to begin to trust after the trauma of betrayal: The very first step you need to take.
• Rebuilding Your Village: Low-risk, sustainable ways to slowly re-enter a community.

If you are navigating the loneliness epidemic or healing from a friendship breakup, press play to start building your village with intention. 

Connect with Florence Ann Romano:

Florence Ann's Website | 📖READ: Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life | Instagram

Connect with Gretta:

Free Guide: What to Say To A Ghost
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

Host Gretta Perlmutter, a Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach, delivers evidence-based strategies to turn personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for growth and healing.

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only and provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or registered professionals.

Ghosted? You deserve peace of mind. Explore coaching with Gretta today.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Village Matters

Gretta 0:17

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing, and understanding for anyone who has been ghosted, betrayed, or hurt in relationships. I'm your host, Greta. I'm a certified post betrayal transformation coach. And today's topic is building your village. It's all about friendships. My guest, Florence Ann Romano, is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and author known for her ability to cultivate meaningful connections. She is passionate about helping others create their own community to be seen, heard, and understood. This is so important for people who have been betrayed and ghosted. And as an acclaimed author, Florence Ann's insights are captured in her book, Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, which has been celebrated as a top 10 in its category. And she's also currently a regular expert on over 10 various national TV affiliates across America. Thank you so much for being here today, Florence Ann.

Florence Ann 1:24

Goodness, thank you, Greta. What a beautiful way to start this, making me like red as a tomato, probably. But I'm I'm so excited about this conversation because it permeates so many different capacities and relationships. And I think it's a subject matter people don't talk about enough. And I love that you are putting it out there in such a vulnerable way.

Defining The Village Beyond Parenting

Gretta 1:45

Thank you. Your work centers around this concept of the village. How do you define this village and why is it so vital to our well-being?

Florence Ann 1:59

I mean, I'm gonna put it simply like that, but uh I always get asked, of course, what my definition of the village is, and I believe it's about connection. But I'd like to dive a little bit deeper into that. It was during COVID when we saw on a global scale what it meant for people to lose their support systems. And it's very rare that you experience something on a global level. And so the one common denominator was that everyone understood what it felt like to not have the support that they're used to having. And so I would hear people bemoan the proverb, you know, the old proverb, it takes a village to raise a child. Well, they would talk about this village and this larger 20,000-foot concept. And they'd say, well, where are these people? Do they just show up at your front door? They help you raise your kids, they bring you some food, like a casserole. What are they doing? You know, where are they? Is there a phone number to call? Is there a roadmap? And so I would say to myself, well, you know, we probably should have a roadmap to this village. And it's not just about children, it's not just about having children. No matter how you design your life, you do need support. So it takes a village, period. And that that concept of village for me is about looking at what you're born into and also what you want to create for yourself, and then understanding that you're worthy of wanting that, of desiring that, of building that for yourself. So village is going to look however you design it to look.

Chosen Family And Healthy Discernment

Gretta 3:29

Right. I often call my friends my chosen family. Yeah. Uh they're my village. And when I spend time with them in real life, especially, I really feel like I've been plugged in. Like my battery has just been recharged.

Florence Ann 3:44

I love that. That's such a good visual. And it it's a beautiful thing to be chosen. You know, I that in life, I think is is part of what we all want to feel. We don't want to say it out loud. Sometimes that's a difficult thing to admit, but being chosen is a privilege. It's a gift. Uh, and if you're doing the choosing or you're the chosen, um, it it comes with, again, choice, um, but also discernment. Uh, you're deciding for yourself what feels right, what the boundaries should look like, what vulnerability and honesty and trust look like. Uh, and you know, you're born into stuff that you don't necessarily want to be born into and not necessarily maybe the healthiest thing. Um, so I love the idea of chosen family or chosen, however, you want to define it. Um, it's it is a chosen lifestyle, certainly. Yes.

Season Of Busyness Or Real Disconnection

Gretta 4:43

So once we're in a village, it can be kind of hard to notice changes. How can a person tell the difference between a natural change in rhythm, like a friend who's just kind of in a busy season, versus a pattern of disconnection that doesn't feel safe or supportive anymore?

Florence Ann 5:05

It's funny because I feel like right now this conversation is very personal to my life. And I think, Rana, you and I have had conversations about how you're in that too. And my friend group here in my small town uh has been rocked by a few different uh scandals, perhaps you could say, that has waterfalled itself onto other people and it's changed friendships, it's changed alliances, it's it's it's it's caused even more betrayal. Um, so we can dive deeper into that too. Um, but the signs really are about your how you feel, and then also what you're seeing. So let's start with you. Maybe your phone rings and that name comes up, or the text message pops up on your phone and you kind of roll your eyes, or let out a big sigh. And you know, that's not a great reaction to seeing that person's name. Something else is going on there. There's text with that subtext. So perhaps that relationship is starting to burn you out or tire you, or you're in it for the wrong reasons. You feel obligated. Um, you feel bad. You're trying to be a nice person, not a good person. That's a whole thing, being nice versus good. I think I'm in a season of my life now where I don't need to be nice anymore. I'd like to be a good person, not necessarily nice. Um, so these are signs that perhaps something is off, something is not sitting well with your soul. The external stuff, see how people are talking about maybe this person or the circumstance that this person is involved in. Is it not lining up with your values? It, you know, obviously there has to be two things in friendship for it to work. There has to be trust and shared values. And perhaps you're seeing that you're not growing together. Uh, maybe there's been decision making that it doesn't sit well with you or it's against your moral code. Uh, and that behavior is something that you don't want to tolerate or look like you're condoning. So again, external factors and then also your internal feelings. Uh, these are all things to pay attention to, a pattern versus a season. Of course, we need to give people grace. Of course, people go through things. Maybe they're going through something at work. Maybe there's a loved one that is passing away or has just passed away, and they're in a season of mourning and grief. Uh, and you're going to disconnect a bit just because you need to give them the space to heal. Those are things that we can accept. Those are things that we can understand. Um, but the other, the things that are becoming patterns that are maybe going to be unhealthy, that's what we have to pay attention to and don't want to let go too far because that's when we start to get ourselves into trouble.

Micro Signals Of Friendship Drift

Gretta 7:59

So when a friendship is heading toward an unhealthy place, whether it's going to be ghosting or some type of betrayal, what are the micro signals that we should be paying attention to?

Florence Ann 8:11

A little bit about what I talked about, you know, previously, but the micro signals, I think it's most important for you to be doing your evaluation, for you to think about how you're feeling in this friendship. Are you feeling joyful? Are you feeling satiated? Are you feeling seen? Are you seeing? Are you feeling valued? As you start thinking about these things, and I know it's can be uncomfortable for people to spend time thinking about how they feel in friendship, because it seems like that shouldn't be something we have to do, evaluating our friendships. But just like any relationship, romantic is you know, the what I'm going to use as the example, that takes watering, that takes tending to. And it's wonderful to have friendships where you're saying, oh, we don't need to talk or we don't need to do this, we don't need to connect, and we just pick up right where we left off. Well, you're lucky. You're lucky in those friendships if you can do that. Because the truth is you do have to work at it. And I think that's what a lot of people aren't willing to say out loud, is you do need to work on being a friend. And you need to work on also articulating what friendship means to you, what your expectations are. Oftentimes in life, when we fail at a relationship, there's a pillar of communication that needs to be explored. And that needs to be thought of in your friendships too. Are you telling people what you need? Are you saying that you even need? Are you asking for help? Are you telling people how you want to be loved, what that looks like for you, feels like for you? Um, I again, people don't necessarily think you have to be asking yourself these questions in friendship, but we do. We do need to be asking ourselves that, especially if we're talking about betrayal, ghosting, uh, some sort of disconnectivation of a friendship or even firing people from your village. You're reading my book. You know, you know, I talk about that, about firing people from your village.

Gretta 10:13

Yeah, this is all really resonating with me on such a personal level because I've been in a lot of friendships. I have a very strong village. Actually, I took the quiz on your on your website about what kind of village I have. It's like the I can't remember the exact name, but it was like the the one where you have this great village.

Florence Ann 10:34

Yep. And you've got it. That's a great score to get.

Gretta 10:38

I've got it, but it always hasn't been that easy. I've been through seasons of turbulence with these friends. And in fact, I want to share a quick story. One of my friends thought I was ghosting her because I went to Mexico and I had my phone off the whole time, basically. Like I didn't switch the settings so that I could receive texts from the USA. So I got back after a week and she's like, Well, I'm surprised you even contacted me. I thought you were ghosting. I've been ghosted so much. And I was like, No, I would never do that to you. This was even before coping with ghosting, and I I felt really bad, but I also really wanted to make a friendship pact. So I wrote her a note, an email, actually, and it said, I love you. I care about you. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. And if I'm unavailable, it's because I'm busy or because maybe I didn't see your text. So always feel free to like come over if I'm unresponsive. Like this is an important friendship to me, and I want you to know that this is a place where you can always come to, where it's safe and secure. Like I'm a safe and secure friend for you.

Florence Ann 11:47

That is so beautiful. It gave me goosebumps. I love that. And I, you know, again, you just gave a beautiful illustration to what we were just talking about, which is voicing how you feel, voicing what you need, voicing um what your boundaries are. Even though you're giving permission to this friend to really not have a whole lot of boundaries, which I'm not criticizing at all. I think that's wonderful. We all want those friends. You're saying, no, come over to my house if I'm not responding. No, tell me that you know nudge me in a text message if I haven't responded. And, you know, I've started doing that more in my life too, Greta. There's one girlfriend I have who's a newer girlfriend, and she's a terrible texter. Oh, God. And I am like a super responsive person. So she's a terrible texter. I am not that way. So I was out with her for lunch the other day, and I said, Listen, you can totally tell me if I am annoyed. Okay. I send you audio notes. I send this. I am like maybe an over-articulate person. I said, you can tell me. And she goes, No. Oh, she was like, I'm so bad with my phone. I'm trying to get better at it. I love your audio notes. I love your text. And I go, I am a person that if I need you or something's going on, I have no problem nudging you. Like, hey, just making sure you saw the thing above or whatever it is. And she said, Yes, absolutely do that. So we had a very funny but honest conversation about communication style. Um, and we're opposite in that way with our phones. Um, but it's it's such a relief though, because in this friendship with her now, I know how she reacts, how she behaves, and she knows that about me too. So we're not gonna sit there and lose sleep over whether or not I've said too much or she's not putting enough effort in and she's gonna think I don't care about the friendship. So communication, again, really it comes down to that in so many instances in life.

Ending A Friendship With Integrity

Gretta 13:43

Totally. It solves a lot of problems. So if we realize a friendship is no longer a place of mutual respect, or if we've outgrown it, how can we exit the connection with integrity?

Florence Ann 13:59

I always think about the person that you're gonna have to exit this friendship with. Think of their personality, think of how they process and then back into it. Think to yourself, what's my goal? My goal is to leave this friendship, but I want to do it with compassion, I want to do it with conviction, I want to do it with grace. So spend some time thinking about how you need to word it, how you need to deliver this message. And again, how does this person think? And because again, at this point, you probably will know how to answer that question if it's a deep enough relationship where you're putting thought into it. Um it doesn't mean that there isn't going to be a reaction from that person that is not emotional, emotional or less than favorable or desired. You can't control how they feel or how they react. But you can spend time pausing, you can spend time being thoughtful about your delivery. And then at least you can walk away from that knowing that you put in meaningful time into ending it in a way where you're gonna be able to feel good about yourself, the person that you are, how you handled the situation. Even if they're upset, it's still about how can I walk away from this and make sure I'm doing the human thing.

Gretta 15:26

Absolutely. It's easier said than done. I've had to do this, and it is not a pleasant experience on any level.

Florence Ann 15:34

It's supposed to be, you know, especially if the other person doesn't feel how you do, right? If this is coming out of nowhere, they're totally blindsided. No, it's not going to be pleasant. But the old there, what's the alternative? You know it. Ghosting. And is that better?

Gretta 15:51

Ghosting is not okay.

Florence Ann 15:53

You're the expert, right? It's not okay.

Gretta 15:56

Yeah. And so for me, one of the greatest lessons I've learned is that even though I ended a friendship and it's what I wanted and what I needed for my own peace of mind, having a self-care plan in place for myself after doing it is what also can really help. Letting other people know what's going on.

Florence Ann 16:18

Yeah.

Gretta 16:18

Going to the villagers that are still intact and leaning on them. That's fantastic.

Florence Ann 16:24

I I love that you have the foresight for that and also the fortitude for that to put together a self-care plan. I think um, gosh, that that's not something a lot of people would consider on the other side of the conversation. I really love that suggestion. Thank you.

Gretta 16:44

Well,

Emotional Burnout And Boundaries That Help

Gretta 16:45

we want to be there for our village, but sometimes we take on our friends' crisis as if it's our own. I mean, I think a lot of people do this when they have been ghosted and maybe the ghost comes back and maybe they leave again, but you know that this person in friendship is going through something really hard. And so you have like a deep sense of compassion for them, and you know that everything in their life is flipped upside down. Well, what tips do you have for people who are experiencing this type of emotional burnout in their friendships? And maybe this person's person isn't treating them very well.

Florence Ann 17:27

I think there's a few different things there when it comes to the emotional burnout, because it it's not necessarily a friendship you want to end and experiencing emotional burnout with someone. I I'll give you an example. Uh, my one of my best friends from college, her sister passed away about seven years ago from cancer, and she was in her early 40s, leaving behind two young girls. Uh, and I was there during the diagnosis to when she passed away, which was a very short amount of time, really, you know, about less than a year and a half. Uh, and there's a saying that when one person is sick in the home, and I think you and I would agree that with your chosen family, you feel like you share that home experience. When one person is sick, the whole house is sick. And uh I know that during that time, wanting to be there for her for me was very emotional, not just because of the certain the obvious circumstances, but because I'm a fixer. And I could not fix any of it. I could not help her in a way that I felt was making it better. I I didn't necessarily know how to handle it. I had never had a friend that had gone through something like this before at that this level, this like level of best friend connection. And wondering if you're saying the right thing, doing the right thing, you know, and and it wears on you. And all of a sudden you realize that you also are becoming emotionally depleted. But you want to so badly show up for this friend in a time where it shouldn't be about me, it's about her, it's about her family. But I am also falling apart at the same time she is, because I'm worried that I'm not there to help pick up the pieces of how she's falling apart and being hard on myself about how I'm doing that. And the person I would talk to about how I'm feeling is her. And I can't put this on her now. So that's just an example of a relationship that you don't want to walk away from, but is almost debilitating you in some ways because you are overthinking it, overfeeling it, burning out from it. And I had to figure out how to create some sort of boundaries, if we want to use that word, while all that was going on. So I stopped feeling like I was failing her all the time. And um, then with relationships where the burnout is a sign that you are going to probably walk away from this friendship. I we were talking about how difficult it is to have these conversations. And sometimes you don't have to say everything that pops into your head. Sometimes brutal honesty is just brutal. And it's not necessarily going to fix anything, it's not necessarily gonna make it better. You don't necessarily need to say every thought that comes in your head. Uh so picking and choosing uh how you're gonna deliver a message to someone, I always say is you can say what you mean without saying it mean. And even if this relationship has been a hard one, even if this relationship is one you have to walk away from and they have hurt you or betrayed you or whatever it is, you can absolutely still choose your words wisely. And sometimes

Simple Check Ins That Keep You Close

Florence Ann 20:50

less is more.

Gretta 20:52

First of all, I just want to say I'm so sorry, deeply sorry for the loss of your friend. And my heart goes out to you and their family. I too have been there for my friends who have gone through illness, cancer. I also know that sometimes people do pull away from relationships and friendships if they're going through something really hard. And, you know, they're putting out a fire in their life, they're in survival mode, and so they might be ghosting you quite unintentionally because it's not on their top list of priorities to nurture the friendship right now when they just literally have to be able to breathe. So I think you're right about like just clear communication, telling your friends, you know, what you need. I I want to support you. I want to be here for you. How, what can I do? Uh, to do you need what do you need? Like a hug? Do you just want some advice? Or do you need, you know. Me to listen and sit here, but also like, can you please? I know it's really hard for you right now. I also need some type of communication to know you're okay, sometimes at least because of what you're going through. So please, I might reach out to you occasionally. Can you can you respond? Right.

Florence Ann 22:19

Or also say that you don't have to. And sometimes you're checking in and saying this does not need a response. This is just me telling you I love you, and that's it. And you could say that. And then sometimes it's, you know, you don't even need to respond to this with a feeling or a declarative sentence. Send an emoji or thumbs up it. Just so I, you know, what this is something I do with my girlfriends when we haven't talked for a minute. I will call them. I just a lot of people don't use the phone anymore. I do still call people. I will call people and say this, or I will text people and say this. And I'll all I will write is wellness check. And then that's their sign that when it's when it's a moment that works for them, send me an audio note, call me, send me a text, and just give me an update on your life. But that's my nudge. That's my pebble that I'm dropping to you saying, I just want to know how you're doing. One of my best friends will text me and go on a scale of one to 10. How's the week? And that's a simple question that I can answer and be like, it's a nine. I'm just hanging on by a thread. I'll talk to you next week. You know, so there's ways that you can do it where it's not these long, drawn out monologues, you know, where you're having all these emotional conversations all the time. Sometimes just show, you know, sending a reel or a meme or something like that is enough for connection in that moment where you're like, gosh, that person thought of me today. This person watched this beautiful thing and thought of me, this funny thing and thought of me. And that's enough sometimes to kind of put a little pep in your step and you know, make you walk a little taller. And you're like, gosh, someone thought of me today. And that makes me feel so good.

Lowering Walls After Betrayal

Gretta 23:52

Yeah, if somebody's going through something really, really intense, the last thing they need is an obligation to a friend. And so what you've just said is so perfect. Yeah, that's exactly right. And after the betrayal of being ghosted, it's natural for our protective walls to go up. Yeah.

Florence Ann 24:10

Of course.

Gretta 24:11

I've been so afraid to make friends in the past. Like when I went to college, I was like, I'm not gonna be friends with any of the girls because one of my best friends at my high school ghosted me. And so I was like, I'm never gonna trust anyone again. But of course, you know, the walls did come down. How do you suggest people begin softening those defenses so that they can stay open to new healthy connections without feeling overly vulnerable?

Florence Ann 24:38

Well, the reason that people put those walls up after betrayal or after hurt is because they don't want to feel that way ever again. So, what's the alternative? You just don't have friends anymore, you don't confide in people anymore. You know, you got to try again. It's as simple as that. I know it's easier said than done, but you do have to try again. And the reason why people, I think, get nervous about letting those walls down too is they don't trust their own discernment to use that word again. Even in romantic relationships, you've loved someone, even I can think about my ex from a few years ago. After we broke up, I was like, oh, that was a bad guy. Uh, I don't think I can make decisions for myself anymore about dating because clearly I do not make good decisions. And so I didn't trust myself. Same goes for friendship. Sometimes you're like, oh man, I really didn't trust myself. I thought that person was my ride or die. I cannot believe they did that to me. So, nope, I can't make decisions anymore. I can't make friends anymore. I can't date anymore because I don't want to ever feel this way again. This is horrible. And so, again, not a way to live. We're human beings that are meant for connection. We're meant for people. We have to do it. That is part of life. It is the human thing to do. So I always think about things starting as small as you can for the big results. Start making decisions on a micro level that start making you trust yourself more. It's going to start with you. It's not about anybody else. It's going to start with you. You decide, you know what? I'm going to go shopping. I'm going to buy some new clothes. I trust myself to make this choice for myself that I can buy some clothes that I'm going to like, that I'm going to feel confident in. I'm going to feel good about spending that money. And I'm going to do this for myself because I deserve it. That sounds stupid or small, right? But it's you deciding to trust yourself with something. And that is a good first step. And again, I'm not asking you to go out there, tap someone on the shoulder and say, do you want to be my friend? Or hey, do you want to go have a drink? You know, you're cute. I like that's the dating concept. I'm getting you to start practicing decision making again and knowing that you are confident and can do it, and you can start doing these small things while healing. Two things can be true at once.

Gretta 26:56

I love that advice. Thank you.

Building Community Through Service And Giving

Gretta 26:59

What are your favorite ways to build a village?

Florence Ann 27:03

I always start with philanthropy. I always say if you're coming to me and you're like, Florence Ann, I am starting from ground zero. I'm starting from rubble. I do not know where to begin. I always say, you need to think about what makes your heart flutter. Think about a way you can give back in this world. I do believe we are meant to live a life in service of others. Google it, find something nearby, whether it's through your church or your community or your friend or whatever it is. It's not you writing a check. You know, it's not necessarily anything that's going to cost money. It's going to be a way you can show up. And you're probably going to show up at this place or do this thing with people that are like-minded, have similar values. You're there for the same reasons. And you are probably going to start forming friendship. You're probably going to form some sort of bond. And it's a low, a low-risk way of doing it because you're there for the right reasons. You're there for, you know, all of these, all of these similar, similar desires or similar interests. And so it's not you again walking in a room saying, does someone want to be my friend here? Uh so I always say start with philanthropy. I think it's a really, really beautiful way to begin connection.

Gretta 28:16

That is great. I love volunteer work. It gives me such a deep sense of purpose. And I do it once a month. And I have made friends that way. And it's great. They're deep, fulfilling friendships with people, exactly what you said. They care about the same things that I care about. So it's great.

Florence Ann 28:34

I'm so glad that the proof is in the pudding. There you go.

Gretta 28:37

Yeah. Is there anything else you'd like to share with us today? You've you've shared so many amazing things, and your book is so great. And I'm reading it, and I just want to let anybody who's watching or listening know that this book is here and it's a treasure trove of ideas and suggestions, and it's just so beautifully written and personal. And I would highly recommend everybody go get it. And I just wonder, is there anything else you'd like to share with people right now?

Florence Ann 29:08

If you're struggling with this right now, we have a triple threat of things you don't want a triple threat of. We have a loneliness epidemic, a friendship recession, and a mental health crisis in our society today. And if you're looking to take a step toward connection and you don't know how to do it and you don't know where to go, I hope you can think of me as your virtual village. Look me up on Instagram, DM me. I answer every DM, and we could talk about it. And, you know, if you want to, if you want to reach for something for someone, then I hope you'll reach for me and I will reach back.

Gretta 29:41

That is so beautiful. Thank you so much for being here and sharing everything. Thank you.

Florence Ann 29:47

You're wonderful and I love what you're doing. Keep going, girl. Shine that light on everything that you're doing because it's so important.

Loneliness Reality Check And Closing Steps

Gretta 29:54

Thank you. And to the listeners and viewers, please leave a review for this podcast. It helps people find me when they most need it. You can also leave a comment and follow me at coping with ghosting on social media. If you're in the weeds right now after being ghosted, I also have a free coping with ghosting Facebook group. Just look it up on Facebook and you'll find it. And finally remember, no matter what you're facing, you're not alone. And you're worthy of care and connection because you deserve the best.