Am I Being Ghosted? What to Do When You’re Not 100% Sure

Are you being ghosted, or are they just busy? Whether your friend, a date, or family member is MIA, this show provides solutions.  In Episode 100, Gretta breaks down the early signs of ghosting, how to handle the anxiety of the "grey zone," and how to discover if you're being ghosted.

This show covers:
• How to ground down and separate facts from fear
• The problem with “If they wanted to, they would”
• Step-by-step outreach guidelines: How to text someone without chasing
• Follow-up limits for dating, committed relationships, and friendships
• What to ask if an "almost ghost" comes back
• The first steps to take if you've been ghosted. 

If you're wondering, "Am I being ghosted?" this show will help you find answers.

Connect with Gretta:

Free Guide: What to Say To A Ghost
Free and Private Facebook Support Group |  Instagram | copingwithghosting.com

Host Gretta Perlmutter, a Certified Post Betrayal Transformation® Coach, delivers evidence-based strategies to turn personal betrayal into a powerful catalyst for growth.

Music: "Ghosted" by Gustavo Zaiah

Disclaimer:  This information is designed to mentor and guide you to cope with Ghosting by cultivating a positive mindset and implementing self-care practices. It is for educational purposes only and provides self-help tools for your use. Coping With Ghosting is not providing health care or psychological therapy services and is not diagnosing or treating any physical or mental ailment of the mind or body. The content is not a substitute for therapy or any advice given by a licensed psychologist or other licensed or registered professionals.

Ghosted? You deserve peace of mind. Explore coaching with Gretta today.

Transcript

Welcome And What Ghosting Means

Gretta 0:17

Welcome to episode 100 of Coping with Ghosting, the podcast that provides hope, healing, and understanding for anyone who's been hurt, ghosted, or betrayed in relationships. If you're watching this on YouTube, just a quick heads up that my podcast hasn't always been on this platform. So if you want to catch up on the journey to 100, you can find the entire backlog of audio episodes on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever it is that you listen to your favorite shows. And thank you. Thank you for being here and for supporting my work and showing up here to take care of yourself. I'm so grateful for you. If you don't know me, I am Gretta. I'm a certified post-betrayal transformation coach and a sensitive soul who's been ghosted one too many times. And in today's episode, I'm going to share what to do if you think you're being ghosted in love, friendship, or family. And this is inspired by my upcoming book, Coping with Ghosting: The Ultimate Guide to Healing in Dating and in Love. This episode is for you if you're in a ghosting gray area. Maybe you talk to the person you've been dating every single day, but they've been silent for 24 hours. Or maybe your bestie put a thumbs up emoji on the last text message that you sent, but then they never replied to you, and it's been like a whole entire week. If you're unclear whether you're being ghosted or not, I have strategies to help you relax and gain clarity. But before I dive into the what to do, let's make sure that we're all on the same page about what being ghosted actually is. I use the Oxford Dictionary's definition of the word, which is the practice of

Safety Boundaries And Helpful Resources

Gretta 2:20

ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication. A quick note if you're in an unsafe situation of any kind, suddenly withdrawing from it isn't ghosting, it's self-protection. And if a person is violating your communicated boundaries, exiting without a goodbye is an act of self-respect. When I first started coping with ghosting, I collaborated with certified mediator Aaron Fisher, and we created a copy and paste guide full of text messages to send to the person who's ghosting you. You can find this free on my website, copingwithghosting.com. I'll put a link for it in the show notes. And today's episode really expands upon this guide. And as you listen, just please keep in mind that you're the authority of your own life. Of course, I'm gonna have strong opinions about this subject, but I want you to customize your own ghost action plan based on how you feel. For example, if you're seriously concerned about the well-being of a person who's not getting back to you, you do what you need to do about it. However, be mindful to avoid intrusive activities such as showing up at their workplace to try to find them. If you're not sure what the most appropriate

Step One Ground Yourself First

Gretta 3:48

next step is, you can always join my free coping with ghosting Facebook group. We'd love to support you if you have a question. You could also schedule a private coaching session with me. I'd absolutely love to see you there. And so let's just get right into it. The first step I suggest you take if you think you're being ghosted is to pause, reflect, and ground down. Let's all just take a deep breath together. Even though it may not feel like it right now, you do have everything you need to get through this. So become aware of the story you're telling yourself. Do you really have all the information to determine that this relationship is over? Try to separate what is really truly happening from any fear-driven assumptions you might have. The person who is unresponsive could be going through something you're not aware of. I find this saying if they wanted to, they would really harmful. What if this person has no cell phone reception right now? What if they had some type of extreme personal emergency? I have a friend who has a friend who she thought was ghosting her, but as it turns out, this person had checked themselves into rehab and didn't have access to their phone for over a month. Not everyone has the ability to communicate, even if they want to. And I know these examples might sound extreme, but the point I'm trying to make is that oftentimes people can't respond to you for whatever reason. And while you can't control that, you can control how you choose to respond to silence. Instead of rereading your texts with them or checking your phone to see if they've contacted you or monitoring their socials. And by the way, I'm saying these things because these are things that I have done in the past when I thought I was being ghosted. But instead of doing all of that, try practicing some self-care. You could cook a healthy meal for yourself or watch a funny TV show, move your body, shake it out, go on a run, go on a walk, exercise. Also be mindful to feel your feelings. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be upset. That's very natural. Feel these feelings, but don't judge yourself for them. Be really nice to yourself as you're going through this because this is hard. I get it. This is this isn't easy. When somebody that you care about isn't getting back to you, it can be extraordinarily challenging and frustrating. So be nice to yourself right now. You deserve respect and kindness. And somebody not showing up for you has nothing to do with your worth. You're always worthy. Nothing can touch that. Okay. So at this point, just remember that. Stay rooted in the fact that you are important. You matter. You are a valuable person no matter what. Now, if at any point you feel

Step Two Send A Clear Check-In

Gretta 6:55

uneasy during the next steps I provide to determine whether you're being ghosted or not, rewind and redo step one. Pause, reflect, and ground down. And for more healing tips, you can always listen to other episodes of this podcast. Let's move on to step two. Reach out to find out. If you haven't already, now's the time to reach out to the person you feel may be ghosting you. Communication is a two-way street, so it's essential to try to interact with this person by asking a question before you declare, I've been ghosted. You're not chasing them. You're doing your part to keep the lines of communication open. It's not desperate to send a message or two or even three to somebody you're in a relationship with when you're seeking basic clarity about what's going on. Plus, it's entirely possible that the person who's missing in action may be wishing, hoping, or waiting for you to reach out to them. Right now, you don't know if you're being ghosted. So it's completely reasonable to send this outreach message to get information about where you stand. But before you pick up the phone, hear me out because I want to share where, what, why, and when, and what I believe is the best protocol of reaching out to a potential ghost. Here it is. So first I would say when you reach out, do it via the normal lines of communication that you usually use to talk to them. So if you call them all the time, pick up the phone and call them, right? If you see them in person, walk up to them. Text them if you usually only text. And when you do this, ask a question that requires a response. Make it a quick question, be respectful and kind, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Keep it short and to the point. So I have a few examples for you. Hi, I haven't heard back from you. Everything okay? Or hi, I miss seeing you. Want to video chat. You could also write something more customized, like, hey, hope you're enjoying the amazing weather this week. Do you have any fun outdoor plans? So make this make sense for the circumstances that you're in. So I want to pause here and share an experience that one of my best friends recently shared. She gave me permission to share it. She called me up and said, Hey, I've been ghosted. And I said, Okay, tell me the story. She said, Well, a few weeks ago, I sent a question to one of my new friends and I sent a picture. She hearted the picture, but she never wrote back to my question. And it's just silence for a couple of weeks. And I know she is out and about, I see her on social media, whatnot, but she hasn't responded. And so I think I've been ghosted. And I said, okay, well, if this is an important friendship to you, which I think it sounds like it is, then what do you have to lose by sending a message that just says, like, hey, I haven't heard from you in a hot minute. How are things to this person? What do you have to lose? I mean, I think keeping the lines of communication open with somebody that you're friends with is really important. Trying to understand where they're at, what they're thinking. Instead of retreating and saying, I've been ghosted. I think it's important to try to have some dialogue with the person who's kind of missing in action. And my friend said, Thank you. You're right. I have nothing to lose. So I'm going to reach out to her. So going back to step two, after you've reached out once, give this person time to breathe and process and get back to you before you try to connect with them again. We live in this society of like instant replies. And so I think it's really kind to give people grace and space. Now, if you're in a situation where the person ignoring you has read your messages and you know this because you got the red receipts, or you see them active online and they haven't responded to you. Again, I want you to go back to this consideration of the fact that you might not be aware of what's going on behind the scenes. I know it's frustrating, but maybe, maybe this person received intense news, or they just don't feel like engaging in conversation at this very moment. Additionally, just because they're active online doesn't mean that they're obligated to get back to you. Uh, one of my friends treats Instagram like going to the movies. So if my friend was at the movie, she wouldn't be on her phone texting me. For her, Instagram is like her main form of entertainment. So she's not going to be texting me while she's scrolling through reels. And also, a lot of people do use social media for work, so they might be active online, but they're working. Another outcome of texting an almost ghost is discovering

Follow-Up Limits And Timing Guidelines

Gretta 12:10

you've been blocked. If you're in this boat, it doesn't mean anything about you. In many episodes, I explain why this is, but in a nutshell, when people have ghosted and blocked, it's about their unwillingness or inability to communicate with respect. Please be kind to yourself and whatever you do, don't blame yourself for their actions. All right. So just so we're on the same page, I'm gonna recap. The first step, if you think you're being ghosted, is to pause, reflect, and ground down, and then send a short outreach message to the ghost with a question just to see if they respond. And after you did that, make sure to practice some self-care, especially if you discovered you were blocked. And now at this point, you have a choice. You could follow up again or not. Let your level of follow-up be proportional to the relationship's scale, depth, and length, and only check in up to three times. So if on the first outreach you sent a text, maybe try calling the person this time. You could mix up the way you reach out to them if that feels right to you. And I'll give some examples. Let's say you're in a long-term relationship or you're married and you talk to this person every single day. Well, check in once a day for three days. You could say something like, Hey, I haven't heard back from you. I'm concerned, everything okay? If this is a friend and you only talk to them like once a month, text them once. And if they don't reply, text them a week later. At this point, you may be wondering how many days without texting is ghosting. Since every relationship has its own cadence of communication, it's impossible for me to provide a specific timeline for when you've officially been ghosted. And though every single situation is different, I have created some general guidelines to help you out. So if you're in the early to mid stages of a relationship, one week of unplanned silence likely flags ghosting. If you're in a committed relationship and you typically communicate with your person daily, you're entering ghost territory when there's been a few days of silence. And as a rule of thumb, if a good friend or family member who talks to you all the time ignores you for like a week, it likely flags ghosting behavior. Again, this framework is extremely flexible. It really depends on your situation. So I've covered a lot. First, you're gonna pause and reflect and ground down, and then you're gonna reach out to the potential ghost with a question. And you might do this once, twice, or even three times. And now it's possible that you realized, hey, I was ghosted. And if that's you, I have a few

If They Return Set Standards

Gretta 15:05

action steps I'm gonna get to in a second. But if you did all the steps and the person who was ignoring you comes back and you haven't been ghosted, and this is fairly soon after your outreach messages, well, they're not a ghost because now you're communicating with them. So ask yourself, how am I feeling in this relationship? Is this behavior acceptable to me? And if not, what action steps can I take? Ask the almost ghost what happened. Try to understand why they went silent. You could say something like, I noticed that our communication has been different than usual. Is there something you want to share? Observe their response. Hopefully, they'll explain why they were unresponsive. Hopefully, they'll care about how their behavior influenced your feelings and they'll take note of any communication requests that you have. I hope that this person is respectful and takes responsibility for going silent. But

If You Were Ghosted Next Steps

Gretta 16:11

if that's not the case and they continue to breadcrumb you, or if they take forever to get back to you, or they're generally unresponsive, then it's high time to reevaluate if this relationship is actually even meeting your standards. If, on the other hand, you never heard back after your outreach message, and now you're like, well, I have been ghosted. First of all, I'm sending you a big virtual bear hug. Ghosting is awful, and it's an inappropriate way to end a relationship. Nobody should have to experience being ghosted. And in my opinion, there is no excuse for intentionally ghosting somebody. If you have been ghosted, I have a couple of suggestions on what to do next. The first option is to meet silence with silence because you don't ever have to reach out to them again. And it's okay to say nothing. You don't owe a ghost an ounce of your time, energy, or effort. Another option is sending a final message. Here's my take: sending one respectful final relationship-ending message to a ghost can feel really good and be beneficial because it ends the relationship on your terms with clear communication. Your voice matters. And a final message signals to your brain that this relationship is over now. So I do have a template on what to say, and you can download the free text guide I have linked in my show notes for that script. Well, also, there's a scenario where if you're deeply involved with the ghost, like you are pregnant with this person's child, or you own a home together, you're married, or you have legally binding obligations, you might want to consider contacting a mediator or even a lawyer. Now, I also encourage you at this point to unfollow this ghost across all platforms like payment apps, social media, and beyond. If you do want to block them, go for it. That's a personal preference. For me, blocking is an act of self-care, but do what feels right for you. Do your best also not to reread all the messages you've had with them or to re-listen to their voice notes or look at pictures of them because you've put a significant amount of your focus on this person. And it's time for you to bring your attention back to yourself. Somebody who is unable or unwilling to show up to a relationship is not the person who's going to heal you. You don't need answers or an apology or a final conversation to feel better. You don't need anything from the ghost to move forward in your recovery process after being ghosted. And when you quit vying for

Protect Your Peace And Closing

Gretta 19:23

a ghost's attention, you're stepping into your power because you're shifting your focus onto yourself and people who are choosing you. You're protecting your peace. You're saying, I choose me now. For more support around being ghosted, I hope to see you in my one-on-one coaching sessions and my free coping with ghosting Facebook support group. No matter what you're facing, you're not alone and you're worthy of care and connection. You deserve the best.